Heidi Montag wrote a poem for her husband, Effeminate Caucasian Jon Gosselin, and posted it on my celebrity myspace page (because I guess some people still use myspace after all) and it is nothing short of AH-MAZING. It's like, an epic work of literature, and I don't think the full effect can be gotten without printing in its entirely, so here it is for your reading pleasure:

Spencer my love my heart my King
You are my world and my everything
I love you more than I could ever express
Especially when I have been such a mess
Every moment with you is beyond a blessing
2010 no more anxiety or stressing
All that matters in this universe is you
God has made us soul mates pure and true
Thank you for every detail you have done for me
You always go above and beyond and its always love I see
The moment I met you changed my world
Some would say it's been quite the swirl
I love every second of our lives together
With each other we cant get through any weather
I thank God for the miracle of you every day
I could never live life without you and I pray
That it's only going to get better all the time
All that matters in life is that you are mine
Thank you for loving and marring [sic] me
I know it has a lot to do with the higher powers to be
Know that I love you with everything I have
With you by my side it out weights [sic] all the bad
Sorry for ever not being the best wife
I am going to make it up to you my whole life
You are the most amazing, unique, special person to ever live
I thank Jesus that I was the one chosen for you to give
You [sic] positive love and light to me
Without you I would be so lost with no glee
Thank you for always taking such amazing care of me
You are the most selfless, loving, perfect, caring, miraculous soul to be
Every day I am in aw [sic] of you
All of you [sic] passions motives are always so pure and true
I feel bad for all the women in the world who don't have you [HA!]
But sorry ladies there is one and I don't share
Iron and iron we are quite the pair
I will work on pull my strength and weight
Your so strong and incredible, there is no weakness in you [sic] traits
I'll love you for all eternity
Working everyday diligently
On making you happy and loving every second of our flawless lives
Life is so precious and the most is the honor of being you [sic] wife
It doesn't matter where we go or what we do
All I want in life is to be with you
Whatever our blessed features hold
In it together we will laugh, love, and one day grow old
Thank you thank you for always loving me
Sometimes I know it's not that easy
But 2010 is the start of a new life
Like I said there will be no strife
All that matters is the time we get to spend
That's all that matters when it comes to the end
Mrs. Pratt is coming out to stay
Never will I go back to my old other ways
It's a new beginning and era of love
We will be flying so high like the doves
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
You and God are the only things true
Love for eternity is what is to come though [sic]

XO
Heidi

I actually managed to make it all the way through and now I'm on "sensory rhyming overload." It's like being forced to read the entire works of Dr. Suess in one sitting if Dr. Seuss had no imagination and the IQ of a toaster and wrote love sonnets to a gay man.

Update: I've taken the liberty of pointing out all of her spelling and grammatical errors, half of which stem from the fact that she doesn't know the difference between "you" and "your." Let me know if I've missed any in the comments.