We haven't covered too much about the Tiger Woods scandal because a media circus is one thing, but whatever it is that this thing has turned into is a complete Vulture 'N Whore Media Cirque du Soleil. At any rate, since no porn stars or prostitutes have come forth in the past day or so to give sordid details about how they, too, banged Tiger Woods -- Us Weekly decided to make their own story by hiring a handwriting expert to analyze Tiger Woods' signature.

"The writing is illegible, which indicates a strong need for privacy or a desire to hide some part of oneself from public view," says Sheila Lowe, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Handwriting Analysis.

The capital letters, which are disproportionately taller than the lowercase letters, shows "his intense pride," Lowe says, adding that "he sees himself as intensely ambitious and larger than life."

Imberman also points how the "G" in Tiger is greatly disproportionate to the rest of the writing. She tells Us this "represents the search for sexual gratification and the acquisition of money. The writing is contracted rather than expanded, so most likely, Tiger looked to sex as a form of release, which is not the same as emotional involvement." (Source)

What did Us Weekly find like, the most obvious handwriting expert in the world? Any half-rate expert would have been to tell us which part of Tiger Woods' signature indicated that he liked putting his cars keys up his butt during sex. Amateurs.