Tiger Woods was involved in a car accident which left him with facial lacerations when he pulled out of his driveway around 2:30 a.m. this weekend and smashed straight into a fire hydrant and a tree. In a rare twist of events, Woods was sober and no alcohol was found at the scene, however the accident came on the heels of a National Enquirer story claiming he was cheating on his wife. Instead of talking to police about the incident, Shady McShaderson instead released a statement on his website:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again. This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way.

Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me.

My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

Luckily for you guys I can translate celebrity-speak, and basically what Tiger is saying here is: "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh dear God. Please don't let anybody find out my wife hits me." Seriously though folks, domestic violence is never funny. Unless it's a woman beating up a cheatin-ass man. In that case: comedy gold.