Hey guys, how are you liking the newly rehauled site? You love it, don't you? That's goddamn right you do.

Oh my GOD am I ever in love with this: NBC released the first video from Subtle Sexuality, made up of Kelly and Erin from The Office, and it is precisely as awesome as you would think it is. (Pajiba)

I'm not big on the boobies, but I will post these pics of Heidi Klum because it involves chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. (Yeeeah!)

Yeeesh. The new video for Britney Spears' single 3 is out, and I can in good conscience say that anyone who likes it doesn't deserve to listen to music. (The Blemish)

Drunk Ewoks? In my Today Show? It's more likely than you think. Honestly, they should just show shit like this year round. (Seriously? OMG!)

Mickey Rourke decided to dress like a crazy person for Halloween, which is sadly indistinguishable from regular Mickey Rourke. (Celebitchy)

Holy friggin crap, I think Carrot Top is melting like those Nazis from Indiana Jones. (Celebslam)

Paris Hilton called the group who robbed her house "Scumbags", which is like the pot calling the kettle a syphilitic whore. (HollyWire)

Amy Winehouse + Clinics + Fish...Ever been a situation where the jokes were so easy, you couldn't pick just one? Make up your own on this one. (CelebSmack)

Reese Witherspoon may be frosty as hell, but my God can the woman ever clean up good. (usemycomputer)

Adam Lambert's first single is out, and it is so fabulous, you'll be shitting rainbows for a week. (Allie Is Wired)

In an interview with "Extra" set to air today, Jessica Simpson was asked about the three things she looks for in a man. Since it's Jessica Simpson, naturally she gave four. What? Counting is hard.

"I definitely love a spiritual man -- somebody that is going to always inspire me."

The singer -- who split from Tony Romo in July -- goes on, "I don't want to get bored. I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men ... people that will always keep me intrigued."

"And, you know, I love artistic men -- somebody that really understands their art," adds Simpson, who dated musician John Mayer and was married to Nick Lachey.

"I like a confidant man," she asserts. (Source)

So Jessica Simpson is looking for a spiritual, intellectual, confidant, artistic man who really understand his art. I hate to break it to her, but John Lennon died years ago. But I have faith that there's a dude in like, Rascall Flats or something who is practically the next best thing.

More of Jessica at the 16th Annual QVC Presents FFANY Shoes event:

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag dressed up as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween, because I guess Jon and Kate Gosselin are the only famewhores on the planet bigger than them. It's also ironic, since Jeremy recently said that Jon Gosselin was turning into a "fat, Asian version of Spencer Pratt," and now Spencer Pratt has literally turned into an androgynous, Caucasian version of Jon Gosselin. I mean really, they are basically the same person. Even the octuplets were conceived in a doctor's office, so that makes two of them getting famous off the wives that they weren't having sex with.

Hi everybody! Welcome to the new Litelysalted, formerly Webster's is My Bitch. Don't be alarmed, nothing has changed other than the name and layout -- Jeremy and I are still here and we'll still be providing you with the same mediocre level of celebrity gossip you've come to tolerate and expect.

Basically, the reason for the change is simple. When we started Webster's is my Bitch two whole years ago, longtime readers will recall that we had a word-definition gimmick, (hence, the "Webster's") which I have since abandoned. Basically there are only so many words in the English language to call Paris Hilton whorey. Secondly, it turns out advertisers aren't so much for websites that have an expletive in the title. And so, here we are.

Please stick around. Posting will resume as regularly scheduled!

Update: We're working on the comments guys. Hope to have things running smoothly soon!

It's official, Miley Cyrus is a bad influence. On AOL's JSYK (Just So You Know) site, the tweener star took 42% of votes as to the worst celebrity influence of the year. So she and her redneck pimp of a father can justify everything as much as they want, but now it's on the internet and is therefore true.

No reasons were given for the poor showing of the singer-actress and the popular star of Disney Channel's "Hannah Montana" television series.

But the ranking follows a year which has seen Cyrus controversially dating a 20 year-old model, making "slant eyes" in an informal snapshot criticized as mocking Asians, and being accused of pole-dancing on a teen awards show. (Source)

They forgot about the Vanity Fair photoshoot, the slutty pictures she posted on myspace, the slutty pictures she posted on twitter and that time she got wasted on Mud Slides and had sex in the bathroom at Applebees. Oh wait, that last one may have actually been me. Whoops!

Miley with Kim Cattrall wearing something characteristically age appropriate on the set of the new Sex and the City movie:

Huh. Out of all the things James Cameron is said to have stolen his inspiration for the Avatar movie from, the TLC network has got to be the most humiliating.

Paris Hilton went to a pumpkin patch the other day, because she's just like people, too! Right. I bet she's deciding on whether to hire someone to carve a likeness of her face in that thing or just have it dipped in gold and covered with sparkly pink shit.

PETA recruited Perez Hilton along with Holly Madison, Steve-O, Brody Jenner and Kelly Osbourne among others, to help them save the seals and presumably lend an air of credibility to the organization that its always sorely been lacking. Look, I love baby seals as much as anyone, but not because some fat famewhore who likes to draw dicks on celebrities and spew hate language, some chick who used to bang an octogenarian, a guy who's famous for cramming stuff up his ass, a rock star's thrice-rehabbed daughter who literally comes from a family of animal hoarders, and whatever it is a Brody Jenner does tells me to.

With this lot of upstanding citizens it's like all they're missing is the token rapist. What, you mean to tell me Joe Francis and Roman Polanski weren't interested in saving the seals?

Today's episode of "Lookin' Good Linds" comes to us from the 2009 Whitney Museum Gala, where she spent time schmoozing with fashion queen Donatella Versace. Just to recap, Lindsay Lohan is 23 and Donatella Versace is 54. But I guess it doesn't hurt though that Lindsay looks like she's 42 and Donatella looks like she's a female Thundercat. It's never a bad time to start practicing your "THUNDERCATS, HO!" is all I'm saying, Lindsay.

Last night Katie Holmes attended Elle magazine's Women in Hollywood Tribute, and told Us Magazine that Suri usually helps pick out her outfits and even helped with her ensemble for the evening.

"She did!" she told Us on the red carpet. And what did Suri think of her Alaia gown, Hermes bag and Givenchy shoes? "She gave me a big thumbs up!"

"She loves clothes and picks out her own," Holmes noted of her toddler, who also takes after her mother's favorite workout routines. "She loves running and she loves dancing," Holmes said. (Source)

Sure, why not. We're supposed to believe that Katie Holmes -- who is 30 -- lets her three-year-old daughter help her get dressed. Bullshit. As I've pointed out in the past, Suri typically looks fabulous whereas Katie Holmes looks like she's completely given up in life. Blame your stupid rolled up jeans and leather man-belts on someone else, Katie.

The new PG-13 remake of The Stepfather is about as good as you would think, i.e. not at fucking all. (Pajiba)

Kim Cattrall passes the whore torch onto the representative of the next generation of trollops, Miley Cyrus. (Yeeeah!)

Holy Hell, is it just me or is Courtney Cox getting progressively hotter? (The Blemish)

Penn Badgley kissed a guy on the new episode of Gossip Girl. Yeah, I know, what a stretch, huh? (Seriously? OMG!)

So as it turns out, The Balloon Boy thing was a total hoax. Worse still: WHO THE FUCK NAMES THEIR KID FALCON? (Celebitchy)

Amy Winehouse shows off her shiny new boobies, and the results are about as realistic as you would expect. (Celebslam)

Megan Fox was named best Sci-Fi Actress, proving once and for all that Hollywood is dead. (HollyWire)

Trent Reznor got married this weekend, crushing the dreams of overly-obsessive internet nerds everywhere. (CelebSmack)

Christina Ricci: Still adorable, still tiny, still adorably tiny. (usemycomputer)

Ew, God, Katy Perry and Russell Brand kissed? How romantic. And by "Romantic", I mean "I just puked". (Allie Is Wired)

Oh, look, Beyonce's nipples. Because you've never seen those before, have you? (Celeb Jihad)

Seventy-five percent of the Hogans attended L.A.'s Fashion Week this weekend with twenty-five percent less bleached hair. Although it beats the hell out of me how a bunch of glorified Clearwater white trash ended up at Fashion Week in the first place. I wasn't aware that NASCAR-gear got its own runway show. If "The Hogans :: Fashion Week" was an SAT question, the answer would be Alessandra Ambrosio :: Wal-Mart. Or, Brooke Hogan :: A Ladies' Bathroom.

The judge went easy on Lindsay Lohan during her Friday court appearance, giving her another year of probation to finish her court-mandated alcohol classes -- despite the fact that she looked like she had woken up behind a bar in pools of her own vomit /urine about 20 minutes prior to the hearing. I know the ludge was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but seriously. This is not the face of someone who plans to take alcohol education classes seriously. This is the face of someone who's out of sorts because she didn't get to have her morning pot of Bloody Mary, hold the celery. No need in weighing down your morning pot of cocktail with unnecessary calories.

Spencer Pratt's sister Stephanie Pratt got busted with a DUI leaving a club in Hollywood following sister in-law Holly Montag's birthday party at 3:45 a.m. on Sunday morning, and I would just like to be the first to say: "Ha ha!"

Pratt, 23, was released on $5,000 bail late Sunday morning. Her booking info reveals the 5'7" reality star weighs 115 lbs.

Pratt had been partying at Holly Montag's birthday bash at Los Angeles club Empire earlier that night. At 11 p.m., she Twittered: "its my sissy @hollymontags bday party! just finished dinner and going to Empire but im pretty tired aka yes i am the party pooper :(" (Source)

You know it's only going to be a matter of time before Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag release some assy statement saying how they're praying for Stephanie and how the devil made her do it. Right. Like Satan has nothing better to do than encourage some reality-tard to pound shots of vodka after having eaten nothing besides chocolate-flavored laxatives all day. I'm sure he's got more pressing matters at hand like orchestrating Spencer Pratt's 2032 presidential campaign.

Stephanie and Holly, pre-DUI Saturday evening:

It's finally here: Where The Wild Things Are. Is it any good? Read on, mortals. Read on... (Pajiba)

Jessica Simpson was offered a Brain Sandwich, which is sort of like offering Katherine Heigl a slice of humble pie. DOUBLE HEADER! (Yeeeah!)

So as it turns out, the guy who attacked Leona Lewis is, oh, how should I put this...Ah, yes, completely crazycakes. (The Blemish)

How's this for a "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" moment: 115 out of 800 girls attending this Chicago High School ARE FUCKING PREGNANT. (Seriously? OMG!)

In case you were wondering, John Mayer does not kiss guys, since gay men would never make music that makes them sound like such a pussy. (Celebitchy)

Because watching drunk celebrities stumble around is always funny, here's Cindy Crawford after a few too many. (Celebslam)

Tina Fey shows that there's no better way to promote your show then by making out with the man who verbally bitch-slapped Heidi and Spencer, Al Roker. No, really. (HollyWire)

I have no way to preface this link except to say HOLY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING? KILL IT WITH FIRE! (CelebSmack)

And now that you have that one permanently etched into your brain, here's a slightly less fugly dress on Scarlett Johansson. (usemycomputer)

Captain Lou Albano, aka the guy who played the live-action Super Mario on TV, died the other day. I bet he's jumping on Goombas in the Mushroom Kingdom in the sky. (Celeb Jihad)

Because apparently he doesn't think he's a big enough douche juuuuuust yet, Jon Gosselin apparently hacked into Kate's emails, because of fucking course he did. (Allie Is Wired)

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag whored around at some event at a fancy bowling alley last night accompanied by a little dog, which is a different dog than the two maltipoos they just got. I don't know what happened to the other two dogs, but based on this picture here I'm going to have to assume that Spencer ate them. The last time I saw an expression like this on someone's face was right before the Big Bad Wolf killed Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

What the headline said. She really said those words. Yes -- even though Garfield's Bitchy Cat Girlfriend Kardashian isn't even legally married to her publicity husband Lamar Odom yet, she's already talking about her publicity pregnancy.

"Honestly, I just lost weight!" the E! reality star told us earlier today while she and sister Kim helped launch the Quick Trim diet line at a GNC in Los Angeles.

"I want to be a skinny pregnant person, like how my sister Kourtney looks so cute pregnant. I can't be a house [after] I just lost weight." (Source)

Leave it to a fucking Kardashian to have "looking cute" as a motivating factor of creating human life. Since the only reason Khloe Kardashian would probably ever get pregnant is if there was a reality deal attached to it, I hope she realizes that the camera adds ten pounds. And in Khloe's case you have to assume that figure would double anyway since she is literally twice the size of a normal human being. Zing!

With the now officially the least-famewhorey Kardashian, Kim, at the Quick Trim launch:

Lindsay Lohan and her butchered face have been ordered to appear in a Beverly Hills court this morning, and no one knows why. The mystery is intoxicating! Actually, "intoxicating" probably isn't far off.

The 23-year-old actress was placed on three years of probation in 2007 after she pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine, and no contest to two counts of drunken driving and one count of reckless driving. She spent 84 minutes in jail.

It is unclear why Lohan has been ordered to appear. The judge's order was made during a routine progress report hearing on Wednesday. Court records show that no warrant has been issued, and they do not reflect a probation violation has occurred. (Source)

I guess one possible reason why she's appearing in court is that they're letting her off probation early for good behavior. Ha ha, just kidding! If I were to place betting odds on the whether or not Lindsay Lohan would find some way of fucking up her probation with just months to go, let's just say it would be about equivalent to the betting odds of a rocket-powered horse at the Kentucky Derby.

Lohan looking emaciated and gross at a Fashion Week party:

Rashida Jones is about to give you all a big, huge nerd-boner. Seriously, ow adorable is she? (Pajiba)

How exactly the fuck is it that at 53, Sela Ward looks younger than Lindsay Lohan? Ah, yes, she doesn't do crack. (Yeeeah!)

Hmmmm...I'm no longer sure if Pamela Anderson is a total bitch, or just completely daffy. Although I suppose it could be both. (The Blemish)

A-Ha, the band behind Take On Me, is calling it quits. Wait, A-Ha was still together? Really? Well fuck me. (Seriously? OMG!)

Yo Taylor, I'm happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but Ryan Reynolds was the best Saturday Night Live host OF ALL TIME. (Celebitchy)

I don't care if it is fake, this interview with Lindsay Lohan still made me giggle. (Celeb Jihad)

The Olsen Twins have their own line of sunglasses out now, because if anyone knows something about thin, useless, plastic shit, it's The Olsen Twins. (BricksandStones)

What the hell? Spongebob is marrying Sandy Cheeks? AND he's ten years old now? Christ. Although the inclusion of Tina Fey makes me feel better. (Agent Bedhead)

Oh joy, Britney Spears' new video for '3' features her in shredded clothes with some bald guy's forehead pressed against her cooch. Barf. (POTP)

And in other Britney news, guess who got voted best celebrity mother? If you said "Britney Spears", you're right, but you're still a pretty terrible parent. (Superior Gossip)

Full Disclosure on this one: Weezer annoys me to no end. Well, that's not entirely true. Some of their earlier work is perfectly listenable, but lately, they haven't so much been circling the artistic drain as they have been pretty much swan diving into that shit. As the final nail in their coffin of cool, Rivers Cuomo is teaming up with Katy Perry to work on her upcoming album. Where is your God now, music nerds?

Weezer's move towards teenpop has taken yet another weird turn. In a recent interview with Buzznet, frontman Rivers Cuomo reported that he's planning to work with pop starlet Katy Perry-- someone who, we imagine, has destroyed a few sweaters in her lifetime.

Playing a word association game with Buzznet's interviewer, Cuomo dropped the bombshell that he and Perry will be in the studio next week, recording material that could end up on her next album: "We're writing together next week. Can't wait!" (Source)

Holy Christ, really? I mean Jesus, Katy Perry? Weezer hasn't just jumped the shark. They've jumped the shark, turned around, jumped it again, then set it on fire while fucking the shark's mother. And then they never called the shark's mother back. Congratulations on failing at both music and life.

With Dustin out of the picture, the task of having a big, indie music boner for Ben Folds falls squarely on me, so imagine my delight when this popped up: Ben Folds is collaborating with author Nick Hornby for his next album, and they're working on an ode to redneck jock turned gay rag pinup Levi Johnston.

...the two men decided to "immortalize Levi Johnston in song," offering up an imagining of the moment that Levi first realized that he had knocked up his girlfriend and would soon be marched off to the Republican National Convention, to be one of the two uncomfortable teens in a Shotgun Marriage For America, presided over by John McCain. (Source)

And for the sake of good reportin', here's a snippet of some of the lyrics:

Woke up this morning, what do I see?
Three thousand cameras, pointing at me,
Dude says, You Levi?, I'm like, Yes, that's me sir,
Well, you've knocked up the VP nominee's daughter

Well, consider me cautiously optimistic. Considering that his last album, Way To Normal, was a bit of a letdown, I'm keeping Folds on a short leash here. But since I adored Rockin' The Suburbs, and he has Nick Hornby on board, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay, consider my shameless musical orgasm finished. You can all go back to reading about Gosselins now.

Here's Levi looking ridiculously out of place:

After five seasons, eight horribly traumatized kids and enough goddamn news about these two soulless parents (a term I use loosely), Jon & Kate Plus 8 has finally, blissfully been put on hiatus. Now that Jon has forbidden the show from filming his kids, which of course, has NOTHING to do with the fact that they axed his Ed Hardy clad ass from the show, TLC has offed them, presumably so they can air more of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

Jon & Kate Plus 8, which in recent months had become just about as fun as reliving your parents' divorce, will stop filming new episodes next month, according to the New York Post.

After Jon Gosselin, 32, forbade TLC from filming his and 34-year-old estranged wife Kate's eight children for their show, the network will try to squeeze out a couple remaining episodes from existing footage before putting the show to rest, according to sources. (Source)

Well, it was only a matter of time, what with Jon becoming the fat, Asian version of Spencer Pratt and Kate turning into the fucking Beldam from Coraline. I'm sure the kids must be just crushed that their parents aren't going to be able to exploit them for personal gain anymore. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Here's to you TLC. No network has ever taken advantage of other peoples' misfortunes quite like you.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a big ol' girl-crush on Tina Fey. No, really, if given the opportunity, I would let he do stuff to me. The kinda shit that even Derek Da Silva* wouldn't do. Which is why I'm more than a little confused that Tina Fey was a virgin until 24. Honestly, what in the hell? Who wouldn't totally want to hit that?

Tina Fey may be one of the most popular girls around these days, but as she reminisced to David Letterman Wednesday, she was a virgin until she met her husband when she was 24.

As Dave read a list of people who stayed virgins from a tabloid, like Brooke Shields (22) and Adriana Lima (27), Fey's name came up as having been 24.

"[I] Couldn't give it away," Fey sighed. "That's just good, Christian values, or, being homely." (Source)

Homely? Bah. BAH I SAY. Obviously, Tina went to one of those schools where all the students are either douchebag frat boys, gays, or gay douchebag fratboys, and there is absolutely no shame in not sleeping with a douchebag frat boy. You also don't have to worry about him Donkey Punching you, but that's a story for another time.

*Google it when you're in a safe place.

There are a lot of celebrities that deserved to be punched in the face (Spencer Pratt, Paris Hilton, Dame Judi Dench...Bitch knows what she did), but Leona Lewis? I wouldn't go that far. Though apparently, I'm wrong, as a man in England felt it perfectly reasonable to hit Lewis right in the face for no discernible reason. This is why we can't have nice things, people.

'He [the attacker] walked up there with the book, she signed it and, as she looked up, he just punched her.'

'The worst thing is that the man was grinning - he thought it was funny.'

He confirmed the singer had suffered bruising to the side of her head and was taken to a private doctor in Central London as a precaution. (Source)

Here's Pajiba's "Other" 100 Best Movie Quotes. If you don't click on this link right now, feel free to get the fuck out. (Pajiba)

Jamie Foxx says that if Roman Polanski had attacked his daughter, he would have bludgeoned him to death with his dong...Although I might be paraphrasing. (Yeeeah!)

The reason January Jones is such an awesome fucking actress is because Ashton Kutcher is a fucktard. Isn't that the reason for everything, really? (The Blemish)

Do not stare into Chris Pine's eyes until an hour after eating, or else you will drown. (Seriously? OMG!)

Okay, wow, seriously? Fuck you, Pamela Anderson. I hope you get an STD. One you DON'T already have. (Celebitchy)

Kristen Bell and Malin Akerman in a single picture? I didn't know cameras could handle that much pretty. (Celebslam)

In case you were wondering, Zach Braff is NOT dead. His career, on the other hand... (HollyWire)

Bad: Model fired for being too fat. Worse: She's a size 4. Worser: Holy shit, look at the photoshopping they did on this poor woman. (CelebSmack)

Remember Elizabeth Hurley? Me neither, but she's pretty. (usemycomputer)

Dionne Bromfield has a voice to match her godmother's, Amy Winehouse, but can she hold her booze? Only time will tell... (popbytes)

New drinking game! Watch Twilight and take a shot whenever Kristen Stewart bites her lip. (Celeb Jihad)

Ha ha ha ha ha. Jon and Kate Gosselin were totally booed at Fox Reality Channel's Reality Awards last night -- although they did not actually attend the event as they were too busy scratching each others eyes out in a courthouse in Pennsylvania.

The June 23 episode - which featured the couple announcing they were separating after 10 years of marriage - was up for Best Reality OMG Moment. When it was announced, the crowd booed.

Ratings for the show -- which first debuted on Apr. 16, 2007 -- also have dropped significantly. The fifth season premiere attracted a record 9.8 million viewers. On Sept. 21, only 1.7 million viewers tuned in. (Source)

Man. That's pretty bad, considering that an awards show for reality television is undoubtedly attended by only the grossest, most lowlife famewhores in the entertainment industry. It's kind of like how even in prison the other convicts look down on the child abusers. Not that I'm saying Jon and Kate Gosselin are child abusers. No ... Actually, that's pretty much exactly what I'm saying.

Paris Hilton wearing the most awkward-looking dress ever at the Fox Reality Channel Reality Awards:

I've been trying to go easy on Rihanna because of the thing with Chris Brown and all, but I think my moratorium of not making fun of Rihanna has finally ended. Really now, what is this? Hey Rihanna, the Dr. Seuss book called and even it said you look stupid with this hairdo.

Michael Lohan told Radar Online that he knows the identity of the man whom he alleges is supplying his daughter Lindsay with illegal drugs.

“This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over,” he said. “Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.” (Source)

Hmmm ... Let's see here. A man ... Who follows Lindsay Lohan around all over the place ... Does nothing ... No job ... Is financially dependent on Lindsay Lohan ... OHMYGOD I GOT IT! Her drug dealer is none other than Michael Lohan! Case closed!

Michael Jackson's kids, Paris, Prince and Michael are probably going to appear in an A&E reality show about the Jackson family Michael Jackson's kids. Sure, why not? It's not like those kids were ever going to be well adjusted anyway.

A source tells Us Weekly the buzzed-about program will include Michael's kids -- Prince, 12, Paris, 11, and Blanket, 7 -- though not everyone's happy about it.

Eldest sister Rebbie, 59, who has refused to be in the series (called The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, tentatively set to air in December), "feels Michael would spin in his grave if he knew his kids would be on this show." (Source)

What?! Michael Jackson wouldn't want his kids paraded about like a sideshow act for a reality show? How do you figure, just because he thought his childhood was robbed from him and also by the way he went to such lengths as making his children wear masks in public to protect their identities? OK, I guess those are good points. But on the plus side: $$$$ for the Jackson family! Grieving doesn't come cheap, you know.

The Second Annual Cannonball Read starts November 1st, and if you don't sign up, I'll punch you IN THE THROAT! (Pajiba)

Paul Anka is claiming Michael Jackson totally ripped him off for the song "This Is It", which is kinda pointless considering the song is kinda totally shit. (Yeeeah!)

Roman Polanski says that jail depresses him. Well you know what depresses me? Little girls being drugged and raped, so shut the fuck up. (The Blemish)

Okay, this may very well be the best thing ever: Alanis Morissette was on You Can't Do That On Television. And we have video! Best day ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

All you need to know about this link is that it involves Gerard Butler's ass. If that's not reason enough to click it, I don't know what is. (Celebitchy)

Stills from the set of Sex and the City 2, or shots from the Kentucky Derby? Make your call. (BricksandStones)

The Bear Jew once got cockblocked after his mother put New Kid On The Block sheets on his bead. All I can say is, fuck that shit, I would still hit it like a punching bag. (Agent Bedhead)

Lindsay Lohan says that Samantha Ronson's family won't let them meet because they hate Sam's talent and happiness, when in fact, they just hate Lyndsay. (POTP)

The Governator has made it legal to sue the paparazzi for taking pictures of you, which is bad news for all those people who want to see Paris Hilton's herp-hole.(Superior Gossip)

If you hadn't heard, there was a huge gay rights march in Washington D.C. this past weekend, which was attended by none other than Joe Francis. Cue dog making confused head-cocked expression and whimpering.

"With the gay movement, it's personal. The same religious-right [bleep]holes who took away my civil rights and put me in jail for a year because they don't like what I do for a living have taken away gay rights. I know firsthand how it feels to have your civil rights stripped from you." But proving that the leopard never really changes its spots, Francis added, "P.S., lots of lesbians marched, too." (Source)

So basically what Joe Franics is saying is that him getting tossed in jail for tax evasion and statutory rape is just like gay people not being able to get married. Yes, that's exactly what it's like. Thanks, Joe Francis, but I don't think the gays need your help. They've already got great supporters like Fred Phelps and Anita Bryant working for the cause.

P.S., Lesbians hate Joe Francis, too.

January Jones, a.k.a. Betty Draper of "Man Men," gave an interview GQ in which she let it slip that she used to date Ashton Kutcher. Geeesh. What is it with the ladies of "Mad Men" and their unfortunate choices in men? To make matters worse, Kelso discouraged her dream of acting.

"The guy I was dating when I first got to L.A. was not supportive of my acting," she says. "He was like, I don't think you're going to be good at this. So--fuck you! He only has nice things to say now--if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

The interviewer later writes that the ex was Ashton Kutcher. (Source)

Well I guess in the end Ashton Kutcher had the last laugh because while January Jones went on to become an award-winning actress on one of the most prestigious shows on television, he became Mr. Demi Moore. Bruce Willis' alimony checks aren't going to spend themselves now, are they?

January Jones in GQ, who is ten times hotter than Demi Moore even before she was old:

Audrina Patridge spoke with Us Weekly over the weekend and told them about how Heidi Montag has big aspirations to be the next Octomom. Well she's got the creepy plastic surgery part down, anyway.

"She said she wanted to be the next Octomom!" Hills star Audrina Patridge told Usmagazine.com at the Surfrider's 25th Anniversary Gala on Friday in L.A.

"I was like, 'Heidi, no you don't!'" (Octomom Nadya Suleman -- who, after having octuplets in January, is raising 14 kids on her own -- told Us this summer that "it was a mistake" to have so many children without a father figure.) (Source)

Well at least the difference between Heidi Montag and Octomom is that at least Heidi's kids would have a father figure. Oh, ha ha! Just kidding. A box with blankets, a hot water bag and clock would make a better father figure than Spencer Pratt.

More of Frick and Frack with their Fricklet and Fracklet "Dolly" and "Ninja":

In Michael Lohan's latest finger-tenting scheme, he attempted to recruit Jon Gosselin to compete in one of his shammy celebrity boxing matches. Sure, because when I think of "boxing" I think of a paunchy Asian man who smokes too much.

"I am in the Celebrity Boxing Federation, so I had to go out to Philadelphia to meet with the chairman of the organization," Lohan told Usmagazine.com. "They asked me if Jon would fight, so I went up to Pennsylvania to visit Jon."

Although Lohan said Gosselin, 32, declined the offer to box in a charity match, the amateur boxer told Us that his visit allowed him to meet the Gosselin family, as the eight kids -- 9-year-old twins Mady and Cara and 5-year-old sextuplets Hannah, Leah, Alexis, Joel, Aaden and Collin -- were home. (Source)

OK, aside from the very fact that Jon Gosselin actually invited Michael Lohan into his home, (now he can come back whenever he wants, like a vampire -- also, I hope he remembered to do a "recount") I'm having some trouble with his geography here. I actually live in Philadelphia, but I'm fairly certain that I technically also live in Pennsylvania. Somebody get this man a Venn Diagram, STAT.

The new Joss Whedon movie got pushed back AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR because they had to convert it to 3D. NERD RAGE! BAWWWWWW! (Pajiba)

Sharon Osbourne once told Ozzy rehab is where you go to learn how to drink, which is like telling a kid he's going to Disneyland, then bringing him to the dentist. (Yeeeah!)

Awwww, how cute! Amy Winehouse went out and got shiny new boobies! She's like a little girl with a new Barbie, only the Barbie is in her jugs. (The Blemish)

Tara Reid is posing for Play-*BLARGH* OH DEAR GOD I JUST THREW UP FUCKING EVERYWHERE. (Seriously? OMG!)

Today's episode of "Stupid Spoiled Whores Should Not Be Allowed Children" is brought to you by Pamela Anderson and her fugly-ass dress. (Celebitchy)

As if you need more evidence that Jennifer Love Hewitt is a fucking idiot, she worse see through leggings out in public and showed off her thong. Classy. (Celebslam)

Here's a teaser for the New Moon soundtrack which features Grizzly Bear, Bon Iver, St. Vincent, Lykke Li and Thom Yorke, making it the best soundtrack for a shitty movie EVER. (HollyWire)

I have no idea who Shauna Sand is, but Vivid Entertainment got their mitts on her sex tape, so you'll be hearing a lot about her soon. (CelebSmack)

Can I just say that no matter how good Emma Stone looks in this dress, she looks AMAZINGLY sexy firing a gun? (usemycomputer)

Paris Hilton went out an bought the most adorable little baby piglet, which I'm sure will die in her stupid, incapable hands. (Allie Is Wired)

Oh my God, Jessica Alba sex scene! I would totally give a shit if this was, like, two years ago when she was still relevant! (Celeb Jihad)

Mr. Mariah Carey celebrated his birthday this weekend at the Bellagio in Vegas, and his wife surprised him with this cake shaped like a turntable with this inscription "Happy Birthday DJ Sexy Fingers, Love M.C.C." You can file that one under "DO NOT WANT." Pretty much the last thing I'd care to think about is Nick Cannon's "sexy fingers" and what he does to Mariah Carey with them. When he's not using them to hold her purse or make her a sandwich, anyway. There's just not enough Goo Gone in the world to ungunk that mental image residue from my brain.

Miley Cyrus put together this rap video about her decision to quit twitter, as if her announcement to quit twitter, and then her actual quitting of twitter didn't make that abundantly clear. I didn't need this video as proof, but it pretty much goes without saying that 16-year-old white girls from Tennessee shouldn't ever try to rap. Not ever. I mean, come on now -- the message would have gotten across just as clear if she would have stuck to something she knows, like a decision to quit twitter improvisational pole dance.

It came out this weekend that Dave Letterman isn't the only one dipping into the office pool, because Us Magazine has learned that Jimmy Kimmel is dating his head writer Molly McNearney. I guess he maybe he felt it would be better to volunteer the news in light of recent events. Oh, except that when I did a google search for Molly McNearney -- for no other reason than I was curious to see what the chick who's banging Jimmy Kimmel looks like -- I found this tidbit from Defamer back in July:

Yesterday, we noted a Gawker item suggesting that Molly McNearney, who swiftly ascended the Jimmy Kimmel Live! ranks from lowly Chinese Theater Chewbacca-wrangling assistant to that show's head writer, had been the woman who came between Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. (Source)

So from assistant to head writer and all she has to do is sleep with Jimmy Kimmel every night? Huh. What, was the devil out of contracts or something? I mean, I know the term "lesser of two evils" shouldn't apply when the lesser evil is literally Satan, yet somehow it does.

Oh, and here's what the chick who's banging Jimmy Kimmel looks like:

Christina Hendricks married this guy this weekend, Geoffrey Arend, who's claim to fame is appearing in a few indie flicks, small television roles, and, oh yeah, banging Christina Hendricks.

In July, Hendricks told PEOPLE she was planning to wear a Carolina Herrera wedding gown. "It was the first dress I tried on," she said at the time, "and it was magnificent." Hendricks said she loves "everything" about Arend.

"He's considerate, he's thoughtful, he's smart, he takes care of me," she said in July. "He's very, very giving." (Source)

OK, I get that he's nice and smart and takes care of her and all ... And maybe I'm shallow, but oh God, it hurts too much to even look at him next to her. It hurts my eyes so much. It's like Jessica Rabbit and Roger Rabbit. Only comparatively after seeing these two together, having sex with a cartoon rabbit doesn't actually seem all that bad all of a sudden.

More of Christina and that guy and the cast of "Mad Men" at the Emmys:

Nicolas "Not the Bees" Cage supposedly owes a whopping $6.3 million in back taxes, and the government has put two liens on his assets -- one for $6 million he owed and 2007 and another for $350,000 ranging from 2002-2004. The poor guy even had to sell his castle. That's how bad it is.

The larger tax lien, which was first filed in July, comes as Cage has begun liquidating his many legendary multimillion-dollar properties. He sold his castle in Germany, and has placed on the market his homes in California, Las Vegas, and New Orleans.

Cage is dealing with more than the tax collector. East West Bank filed a breach of contract complaint in Los Angeles Superior Court claiming he had failed to repay a $2 million loan that was extended this past August. (Source)

I say as his punishment, Nicolas Cage should be forced to star in three more National Treasure movies until his debts are paid off in full. Oh, just kidding. Like he wasn't already planning on doing those anyway.

Star Magazine recently put out a cover declaring that Tori Spelling weighs 95lbs., which, whatever, like it matters because either way Tori Spelling looks totally anorexic. But it didn't stop her from taking to her twitter account to clear things up:

Star Mag...LIES! Literally not 1 factual thing in entire article. And, come 2 my house&weigh me Star! I'm 107lbs. if you care about FACTS?!?

There you have it: Tori Spelling = 1, Star Magazine = 0. By the way -- if you were wondering, Tori Spelling is 5'6" tall and according to a body mass index calculator that puts her in at a healthy BMI of 17.3. Did I say healthy? I Actually meant "severely underweight" since an average BMI is 18.5 - 24.9. Plus, you have to figure that at least ten of those pounds have to account for her horrifically mangled fake breasts. Nice going, champ. Maybe next time she wants to disprove someone's theory that she doesn't eat she can take a picture of the Big Mac she hurled up into the toilet. I mean, technically she did eat it, so in your face, haters!

Tori and fam at the Bony Pony (no pun intended) Ranch Foundation's "Ride To Ride" fundraiser:

I know, I know ... I couldn't help myself. I am seriously getting thrown such underhanded pitches today though, you have to admit. Here is Dina Lohan at at launch of her new footwear line called "Shoe-han." I'm not even joking, that's really what it's called. How do you even pronounce that? Like Shoo-han as in "shoe" or Show-han to rhyme with "Lo-han?" Why am I even debating this?

Anyway, the line will be sold through some crap called LoveMyShoes.com, of which Dina will also be the store spokesman. Says owner Robert Yeganeh: "We hired Dina Lohan because she is a young, attractive working mother, who has excellent taste when it comes to fashion." Bitch please. Dina Lohan is a young, attractive working mother? Only one of four of those words are true, and even that one is fairly debatable.

Also, check out these thumbnails and tell me you wouldn't think they were Lindsay if you didn't know better. UNCANNY:

You know ... That thing is probably just ridden with diseases and parasites. I sure hope someone at least made that monkey wash its hands after it was finished touching Paris Hilton. SUPER ZING! Seriously, these things basically write themselves.

More of Paris, some dumb ape and a chimpanzee at the opening of Carnival at Bowlmor Lanes:

Time Out published a list of The 50 Greatest Animated Films of all time. Spoiler Alert: you're favourite cartoon flick isn't number one. (Pajiba)

In what can only be described as the bestest news ever, Tila Tequila is threatening to kill herself. Normally, I'd say suicide is a serious issue that affects many and should never be portrayed in a positive light, but come on, it's Tila! YAY! (Yeeeah!)

And in what can only be described as the most soul-rotting news ever, Michael Vick is getting his own reality show that doesn't involve him being devoured by 100 angry dogs. (The Blemish)

Here's the moment you've all (and by "all", I mean "Stacey") been waiting for: Evil Paris Hilton Demon on Supernatural! (Seriously? OMG!)

Speaking of Paris, apparently people still want to see the droopy sacks of misery she calls breasts. (HollyWire)

Katy Perry sent Russell Brand pics of her boobies. Anyone want to start a pool to see how long it takes before they hit the web? (Celebitchy)

Because literally EVERYBODY hates Chris (Brown), Asshat McGee is now being sued by...wait for it...Wrigley Gum! (Celebslam)

Okay, this is kinda totally adorable, but look everyone! It's Jennifer Hudson with her baby! (CelebSmack)

Dear video game nerds: Here's the new Lara Croft being all sexy. You're welcome. (usemycomputer)

Oh fuck all of you, Kelly Clarkson is awesome, even in plaid. (popbytes)

As if you need another reason to hate Joe Francis, here's some video proof for you. (Celeb Jihad)

Miley Cyrus deleted her twitter account after posting one final tweet referencing her The Last Song co-star, Liam Hemsworth, who she's been rumored to be dating. Spoiler alert: They're probably dating.

"FYI Liam doesn't have a Twitter and he wants ME to delete mine with good reason," the singer Tweeted.

So, her Twitter account is now gone as is her mom's. Cyrus's sister Brandi and brother Trace are still Tweeting, but in her absence fans have rallied, and #mileycomeback is currently the number one trending topic. Will Cyrus hear the rallying pleas? Stay tuned ... (Source)

Oh no! Whatever will become of the world without Miley Cyrus' twitter? From now on if we want to see inappropriate pictures of Miley Cyrus we're going to have to resort to her myspace page, facebook account, Vanity Fair spreads, the Teen Choice Awards or actual footage from her concerts. It's like, what is this, communist China?

Adam Yauch, a.k.a. MCA of the Beastie Boys, sent fans an email to give an update on his battle with salivary gland cancer, which he announced back in July. Yauch says he's going to be totally better soon, thanks to Buddhist prayers and a vegan diet. WTF?

i'm feeling healthy, strong and hopeful that i've beaten this thing, but of course time will tell. i'm taking tibetan medicine and at the recommendation of the tibetan doctors i've been eating a vegan/organic diet, which surprisingly enough was harder to do in india than it is now that i'm back home. here i can just shop for the right food and cook... a lot easier than depending on restaurants. when i was in india i visited an ani gompa (a nunnery) called jamyang choling. they did a puja (religious ceremony) for me to help me get well. one nun said to me "we do prayers and then you are better." so i've got that going for me, which is nice. (Source)

I don't know if Adam Yauch visited any American hosptials where they treated him with non-witch doctor medicine like surgery and chemo before he went on his spiritual journey of healing, but I hope to hell so. If I caught cancer I'd put my trust in one of the actors from "Grey's Anatomy" before a bunch of goddamned nuns.

Khloe Kardashian tells this month's Life & Style magazine about how she's sick and tired of people criticizing her for her weight and comparing her to "King Kong" and "Bigfoot." To be fair, I've only ever compared her to Arlene from "Garfield" because she's tall and gawky and has a total butterface... But I guess I can see the Bigfoot comparison, now that she mentions it.

But the feisty newlywed, who dropped from a size 10 to a 6, isn't taking the comments laying down. "Everyone criticizes me about my weight all the time," Khloé tells Life & Style. "It's easy for me to be like some other girls in Hollywood -- not eat and become anorexic -- but thank goodness I am strong-willed and secure with myself."

"When I was a chunky little 8-year-old and I had these two beautiful sisters, I'd wonder, why don't I look like that?" Khloé remembers. "Now I hate it when people compare me to my sisters. Kourtney's 5 feet, I'm 5-foot-10 and Kim is 5-foot-2. I will never look like them. No matter how skinny I am, that body will never be mine." (Source)

Don't get me wrong, I think Khloe Kardashian is an obnoxious, opportunistic famewhore and should be ridiculed at any given chance -- but I don't think she's "fat." Still though, a size 6? Is that in fucking metric? Kim Kardashian is maybe a size 6. Listen, God doesn't hate fat girls, but he does hate liars. It says that somewhere in the bible, right after "Thou shalt not getteth fake married for a reality show."

Exclusive OK! wedding photos:

Nick Lachey gave an interview with "Access Hollywood" in which he lamented about how the loss of Jessica Simpson's maltipoo Daisy (as I referred to as "Nick Lachey's Dog of Emasculation) affected him too -- even though he was totally unfairly left out of the media coverage.

"I think a lot of people forget that Daisy was my dog too -- for years," Nick said.

The former "Newlyweds" star admits his thoughts have been with his ex-wife, Jessica, over the last few weeks after learning about Daisy's fate. "I didn't reach out to her," he said. "I'm sure she was upset... I was upset... It was sad to hear that happened, but it's part of the cycle of life." (Source)

Don't get me wrong -- I'm sure most guys would probably be pretty sad to hear that their ex-wife's foofey white designer dog ate it. But according to my calculations, Daisy was five years old when she was dragged off to maltipoo heaven in the hungry jaws of a coyote, and Nick and Jessica split up in 2005. So technically, Daisy was his dog "for year," singular. But I guess getting simple facts wrong is just part of the grieving process.

Nick Lachey promoting his shammy new business endeavor, winnit.com:

Today in "Tom Cruise is Gay" news, Katie Holmes told Elle magazine that her husband is her own personal fashion police. Sure. Why not?

"He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say, 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that,'" she says.

She appreciates the feedback. "Tom has great taste," Holmes gushes. (Source)

There are only two scenarios in which I could feasibly see a man saying something like "That dress is wearing you" -- one being in some kind of crazy, alternate universe where clothing comes alive and puts people on instead of vice versa; and two being that the man who said it is gay. And I'm still not viewing my cashmere collection as a threat, if you know what I mean.

Gayey McGayerson running with his Beardey McBearderson in Boston last week:

Owners of a house that Kevin Federline (above, socks with sandals -- nice touch) lived in until this past May are demanding $110,661 in unpaid rent and damages, after he disappeared without paying his last six months rent and basically trashed the house. The list of damages includes:

- Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
- A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
- Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
- Broken light covers
- Bent light posts
- Broken tiles
- Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
- Drawings all over the walls
- A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission)
- Broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets
- Dismantled smoke detectors
- Front driveway oil-leak damage
- Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission)

My favorite part was that he tinted the bathroom windows without permission. Yeah, because I know the world is just clamoring for paparazzi footage of Kevin Federline taking a dump. But then again, with the continued success of programming such as "According to Jim" and "Two and a Half Men," you can never really underestimate what the public will or won't watch.

More of K Fat shopping at Wholefoods with girlfriend Victoria Prince:

Here are The Hottest Serial Killers ever. Sure they killed people, but that still doesn't mean you wouldn't hob their knobs. (Pajiba)

For the five of you who have never seen Kate Moss' nipples (and really, how could you have not?), have I got the link for you! (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan's father is afraid she might be addicted to prescription meds right now, thus nailing both the "Father of the Year" and "Genius of the Century" competitions. (The Blemish)

You know you're terrible parents when even your children serve as a better mother than you. Right, Gosselins? (Seriously? OMG!)

The key to Dita Von Teese's sexiness is to "know your victim", which totally does not sounds crazy AT ALL. (Celebitchy)

I'm entirely convinced Jennifer Garner is out to get me with her cuteness. I'm a victim! A victim of Adorableness! (BricksandStones)

What better way to sell your movie than by promising Salma Hayek with a beard? Blerg, I'm just gonna go weep for humanity now. (Agent Bedhead)

It's official: LeAnn Rimes has gone from "Cute chick who sang the song from Coyote Ugly" to "Crazy bitch who will cut you in your sleep". (POTP)

Because today's Snaps doesn't feature quite enough old, coke-fueled boobies...COURTNEY LOVE! (Superior Gossip)

So it's come to this again. I remember back in the days when gossip blogging was fun, when every goddamn headline wasn't dominated by these greedy, opportunistic nitwits and their eight bouncing pots of gold. At any rate, over the weekend Jon Gosselin was sleazing it up with three ladies at the Chateau Marmont when a witness heard him putting down his harpy wife and bragging about his fame:

Says the witness, "He kept calling [Kate] evil and psycho. He also said he has proof on all kinds of stuff that will come out down the road." Gosselin then went on to complain/brag about how famous he'd become, telling his new friends that "he was so famous that he can't go anywhere without the paparazzi following him."

Papa Jon went so far as to claim that he's more famous than Paris Hilton, and that 500 cars drive by the Gosselin residence in Pennsylvania on an average day. (Source)

Wow, you don't say, 500 cars? Let me tell you something. I used to live in Berks County, PA, and before the Gosselins happened the biggest local attractions were Miniature Village and the Shappell conjoined twins. I wouldn't brag about it. If someone saw the Virgin Mary's image in a funnel cake they would be yesterday's news quicker than you can say "Ten pounds of shit in a five pound Ed Hardy T-shirt."

More of that bloated sack of crap launching his celebrity milkshake at Millions of Milkshakes:

Justin Timberlake's grandmother, Sadie Bomar, gave an interview about her grandson's personal life which is probably totally humiliating to Jessica Biel since it basically paints her as being a pathetic, wedding-crazy loser.

"Jessica was keen to marry, but Justin isn't ready. ... As far as we're concerned, he's always been single," Timberlake's grandmother Sadie Bomar said.

In an interview with Closer that hits newsstands today, Bomar said a committed relationship that was marriage-bound was never on the table between Timberlake and Biel, London's Daily Mail reports.

The pop star is focused instead, she said, on his career. "The girlfriends come and go, but we believe nothing has ever been serious," Bomar said in the interview. (Source)

I can't think of anything worse than your boyfriend's grandmother telling everyone that your relationship was meaningless. Well, unless she also told everyone you were a crappy lay, too. That would actually be much, much worse. See, that's my philosophy in life: When life hands you lemons, just be glad that they were lemons and not flaming bags of dog shit.

If you'll even believe it, this isn't the first time I've used the headline "Lookin' Good Linds." Yes, as I was typing it in Firefox auto-filled it for me. Hey, I can't help it if Lindsay Lohan looks so good all the time, now can I? Anyway, here is Lindsay lookin' good partying in Paris on Sunday night following her Ungaro fashion show, obviously celebrating a job well done. Last night I watched Ricochet and the prostitute they brought in to rape Ricochet so they could videotape it and frame him almost looked as good as Lindsay Lohan here, but not quite. And she probably almost definitely gave Ricochet the clap.

Today's episode of "Unintentionally hilarious movie clips" is brought to you by 2012. (Pajiba)

Jon Gosselin has emptied his and Kate's joint bank account. Hey, those Ed Hardy clad prostitutes aren't gonna pay for themselves.(Yeeeah!)

Seth Green threw a possibly staged tantrum on set. Awwww, how cute, he thinks he's people. Adorable. (The Blemish)

Pete Wentz got his head shaved by that douche from Blink 182 (No, not that one, the other one), presumably spawning thousands upon thousands of LiveJournal posts. (Seriously? OMG!)

Gwyneth Paltrow wore mom jeans to a fashion show. Someone please kill her already, I am sick of her and her GOOPy shit. (Celebitchy)

Today's episode of "Unflattering pictures of people you hate" is brought to you by Mariah Carey, although that would mean there are flattering pictures of her out there. (Celebslam)

Levi Johnston continues to give the Palins the shaft, doing a commercial for extraordinary nutsacks where he extols the virtues of doing it with protection. Testicles. (HollyWire)

Beth Ditto, singer/fat chick, hanging out with Perez Hilton, mocker of singers/fat chicks. Spot the hypocrisy. (CelebSmack)

Hello Miranda Kerr. I don't know who you are, and quite frankly I don't give a shit, but people like looking at you anyway. (usemycomputer)

Today's episode of "Really fucking disturbing pictures" is brought to you by Noah Cyrus and that Mini-Jonas. Never clean...Never clean... (Allie Is Wired)

Looks like another guy who does shit with a camera. Quick Hollywood, rally behind him for no justifiable reason. (Celeb Jihad)

Our friends over at Celeb Jihad acquired this footage of Miley Cyrus at one of her concerts in Vegas last week wearing this skimpy, skin-tight leather ensemble. You know, one of her concerts. Which are attended primarily by children. So naturally in the 53 second clip above, it'd be a shame to waste an outfit like that by not acting like a Super Whore, so at one point Miley spreads her legs, shows her cleavage and seductively lips her lips for the jumbo-tron. I don't know about you guys, but I think that sounds like a good entertainment for children. And by "children" I mean 45-year-old men who sneak into the concert on their knees wearing long blonde wigs braided into pigtails and their cheeks smeared with rouge and grease pencil freckles.

From the Los Angeles stop of her tour on September 22nd:

Paris Hilton is going to be guest-starring on my beloved "Supernatural" this week. And since female guest-stars on that show usually fall into the category of "demons" or "chicks Dean bangs," guess which one Paris falls into? I'll give you a hint: They can't fight herpes with rock salt and shotguns.

Paris Hilton will be monstrous in her latest TV role - as herself. The socialite/actress will appear on TV series Supernatural this week as "a monster who takes the form of Paris Hilton," according to show creator Eric Kripke, who admits he was surprised when Hilton agreed to the odd cameo.

He tells website PerezHilton.com, "We never expected in a million years that she would do it, but I spoke to her and she got the joke immediately and signed on quickly... I give her a lot of credit for being a hell of a good sport." (Source)

Good sport my ass. You know Paris was probably just relieved to finally attend a shoot where being dead-eyed was a actually plus and for once hair and makeup didn't have to try to conceal her horns.

Paris at the launch of her new sunglasses line at the Vision Expo last week:

Lindsay Lohan and her busted face (above) debuted their collection with Ungaro in Paris yesterday, who had hired her as their "artistic advisor." So far the reviews are predictably, well, not so much.

Widely panned, the outfits featured a plethora of hearts, from sequins on the outfits, patterns in the cloth, hats, and even heart-shaped pasties covering many of the models' nipples, exposed by unbuttoned jackets and plunging necklines. (Source)

Heart-shaped cut-outs and pasties? If I didn't know Lindsay Lohan better I'd say that sounds like the work of a crack team assembled from nursery school students and strippers. In either regard, I hope someone remembered the child safety scissors.

David Letterman's scandal (which I neglected to comment on last week as I was laid up with the flu) has become a running joke. Personally, I think he handled the situation with humor, dignity and aplomb -- but of course that didn't stop his unfunny, hacky competition from creaming their pants over it.

Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon poked fun at the Letterman scandal. "If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio," Leno said in his monologue.

Fallon cracked: "There's a new book out called 'Why Women Have Sex' that says there are 237 reasons why women have sex. And folks, Letterman knows the top 10."

Meanwhile, Conan O'Brien opted to go for not mentioning it whatsoever:

Guest Drew Carey brought it up on his show. "I would hate to be on opposite Letterman tonight with all that sex stuff going on," Carey said. "That's got to be tough."

But O'Brien -- who has called Letterman one of his influences -- replied, "No comment." (Source)

See, that's what you'd call taking the "high road." But then again, whereas Conan is very popular with the younger hipper demographic -- I don't know anyone under the age of 55 who watches Jay Leno and I don't know anyone of any age who watches Jimmy Fallon. So I guess they really know what it takes to achieve their astounding popularity with old people and no people.