Halle Berry + Bikinis + Great White Sharks = Your Welcome, Earth. (Pajiba)

How does Pamela Anderson stay so youthful? Melanoma! Because who needs things like "health" or "well-being" when you're tan! (Yeeeah!)

Ashlee Simpson puts the bitch in "Shut the fuck up, you passive aggressive bitch". (The Blemish)

It's official: Sex and the City 2 isn't even out yet, and I already fucking despise everything about it. (Seriously? OMG!)

There's only one person in the world who could ruin Asian cooking, so you better believe Gwyneth Paltrow took a big, steaming GOOP all over it. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan's voicemail got hacked, because as we all know, Lindsay Lohan is a fucking idiot. (Celeb Jihad)

Paris Hilton and Lauren Conrad got facials! Which is something you probably hear, like, every fucking day. (BricksAndStones)

Kim Kardashian pretends to be the only woman dumber, faker and more plastic than she is: Barbie. (Agent Bedhead)

To the shock and awe of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NO ONE, Jon Gosselin got dumped by his "bisexual" girlfriend. (POTP)

Eliza Dushku sucks some invisible boner on the set of Dollhouse. NOW will you watch it? (Superior Gossip)