The beacons of journalism over at TMZ obtained a tape of Chris Brown issuing a totally scripted apology for beating up Rihanna -- because I know if I wanted to express my most heartfelt expression of regret, I'd probably go the TMZ route too. If you can't stomach watching it either, here's a brief transcript of the beginning:

"Hi, I'm Chris Brown," he begins. "Since February my attorney has advised me not to speak out, even though since the incident I wanted to publicly express my deepest regret and accept full responsibility.

"Although I would do some interviews and answer some questions in the future, I felt it was time you heard directly from me that I am sorry. I have tried to live my life in a way that would make those around me proud of me, and until recently, I think I was doing a pretty good job. I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again, but unfortunately I can't."

What a load of fucking horseshit. Oh, I'm so glad Chris Brown finally spoke out. Unlike those other times he spoke out like when he put that clip on YouTube blaming the "haters" and saying that he's "not a monster," and, oh yeah, that time he released a song that was actually titled "It's Not My Fault." So good to hear his lawyer finally let him really open up on the subject. Oh, did I say lawyers? I actually meant record label. Because right now, having Chris Brown signed to your label is about as useful an an oil well that pumps diarrhea.