The crowd had already started to form when I arrived at the Queen Elizabeth Theater, which, though not entirely unexpected, was certainly odd. It was a shitty day, and it had rained. Sketchily as hell, I found a gap in the barrier and strode in. Immediately, the security guards started glancing sidelong at me. I’m not a stalker, I thought wildly as I scrambled about finding someone who knew me.

I was assigned to the media check-in booth. Beautiful television personalities checked in alongside their disaffected producers, along with radio types and some mousy journalists with camcorders.

Then, oh then, came the photogs. The media team leader, a publicist for Family Channel, flipped over the access sheet and began to scrawl a few names. “This guy’s for Wire Image,” he noted. Wire Image? That sounded familiar, I thought. My heart started pounding as it did when I felt a dose of star-struckedness coming on. “And this guy’s for Splash News.”

PHOTO SOURCES! I’m sure I paled a little. The purveyors of images I see every day on the blogs I so lovingly comb through, well, they’d be here! In the flesh! And they had to come through me. As they introduced themselves, I grinned a maniacal open-mouthed grin. I wanted them to notice me. I wanted them to realize that I, Ling, was a follower of their work. (I certainly wouldn’t tell them outright and admit I visit celeb gossip blogs. I don’t have much pride, but I have enough.) [Editor's note: Hey!! Watch it there, missy.]

One by one, the limos started to arrive. Was it Robert Pattinson who described the sound of screaming girls as akin to that of the opening gates of Hell? Well, he’s right. I blushed a deep red, feeling sympathy for these girls’ grown-up selves and the retroactive humiliation they would no doubt need therapy for. I won’t bore you with details of who was in the limos, as most of them were from Family Channel shows not broadcast in the US. In fact, two shows hadn’t even premiered yet, and the crowd had to be tricked into cheering for them. No lie. There were “crowd ambassadors” deployed for this very reason. “Introducing the cast of OVERRULED!” “Uh, quick, huge cheer for ICE CREAM!” “WAAAAAAAAH!”

Demi and Selena, the Princesses of the hour (pun abso-bloody-lutely intended), arrived in a Princess Rolls Royce. Hot damn, were they gorgeous. And THIN! Jiminy cricket! You don’t realize, you know, just how tiny these people are. Especially Demi, who was wearing a dress with a boned bodice. It’s like she wasn’t even there. Selena has this really cute sleek bob. She looked a ton like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Selena signed autographs all the way down the row, all the way to the media check-in booth. That’s a girl who knows where she’s been. (Except, she really doesn’t, because she entered showbiz when she was seven.)

The crowd then dispersed. Volunteers snuck in at the rear and took the empty seats. The magnificent Teri Hart, Family Channel’s own plucky TV personality, took the stage in a kickass purple dress and some updo. With much ado, she introduced all the Disney execs, which is kinda gratifying, because it’s interesting to see that the people who control the world are really just people. (It’s also worrying, because if anyone were controlling the world, you’d hope they were superhumans. Just goes to show, we’re fucked.)

Then, the Princesses took the stage for a little Q&A. They’d had funky Family Channel chairs set out on the stage, I assume for this purpose, but nobody used them. I can kinda see why. The dresses were fantastic, but admittedly short. And who knows what pervies may have snuck in. The questions were generic. The answers were cutsie. Nothing interesting enough for me to make a note of. At one point Teri said the word “about”, and the girls tittered and repeated, “about”. Teri paused and gave off general “wtf?” vibes, and then, light bulb, the Canadian accent. “A-beh-oot.” It devolved for a bit into general awkward giggling and much repeating of the American “a-bahwt”, Canadian “a-beh-oot”, and the fake Canadian “aboot”. Then, “to-moh-rrow”, which I wasn’t aware was distinctly Canadian, but whatevs. Then, “eeeeh?” Then, from Demi, “Yay, Canadia!” She pronounced it, literally, Ca-nay-dee-ah. Agh. Awk. But I don’t blame the girls for being American. Zing!

Sellie (my nickname for her, we’re BFF) was then asked to say something. Oh, lord, a speech:

“I just wanted to thank all of you for… for letting me live my dream.” Sorry, Sel, but barf. We haven’t let you do anything. If it was a matter of choice on our parts, the world would be a happier place. What about my dream, eh? It’s like Jennifer Hudson taking the stage at the Oscars and going, “Look what God can do!” Double barf. He can give you a good larynx, pretty face, and enough weight to play the role, but he can’t fix child prostitution? Get off the stage.

Back to Selena. “You are all so important to me, you’ve supported me. You’re the reason I do this. The parents, too - you’re just as important to me as your children.” Yes. Without overindulgent parents to shuttle their kids out to the CNE grounds, the red carpet would have been fan-less. Parents are perhaps the most important.

Then it was Demi's turn: “Just 10 years ago, we were where you are now.” Teri tried to take control of the situation. “Dreams do come true!” But Demi was having none of it. “You’re not our fans. You’re our supporters, our friends.” Actually, that was kind of cute. I mean, in the grand scheme of things the girls could have said, it wasn’t that bad. Not at all. But I’m writing for a website with the word “bitch” in the title, and it’s a Disney event. I’m grasping at straws here.

Oh yeah, and then the movie. Or something. Blah, blah, blah.

The Liberty Grand was the next stop, this gorgeous ballroom venue across the fairgrounds. It looks like a Princess’ palace. Geddit? My staff lanyard and wristband got me into the VIP section, no problem, where I shared airspace with all the F-Chan stars and brushed by the Princesses every so often. But nothing exciting happened until something exciting happened. Michael Seater, followed by a few other F-chan stars, re-entered the lounge from the doubly restricted area. “You shoulda seen! There was this huge dance party, we crashed it! And the funny thing is, Demi and Selena were already there, dancing with the kids!”

DEMI AND SELENA CRASHED A PROM? NO WAY! I grabbed my sister and we RAN down there. Demi and Selena had already gone, but we found our cousin (who was already at the prom, lucky coinkidink, eh?) and got the scoop from her. There had been a huge Disney Channel/Family Channel dance fest in the middle of the Etobicoke Collegiate prom! I cannot get over this! My prom was the suck in comparison, and so was yours.

One of our cousin’s friends was standing nearby as we were talking. She slipped casually in: “So you’re, like, an actress? On Family Channel?” My response? “Uh, hells to the YEAH.” Then I bummed a smoke of a seventeen-year-old boy. By that time, the F-chan kids were sufficiently jazzed (and perhaps a bit drinky-drunk) enough to talk to me. We’re now totes BFF. We’re going shopping together tomorrow.

Epilogue: Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame, whom I affectionately call "The Fake Native American", is, as many of you may know, dating Selena. I have it on the highest authority that he was in town with Selena for the premiere. However, he did not come, to the premiere or the party. Why would he bother flying all the way to Toronto if not to go to the events? Sex. Hotel sex, to be exact. His werewolf sliding perfectly into her purity ring, if you know what I mean. Allegedly.