Congratulations
Congratulations: (Noun) An expression of praise for an achievement on a special occasion.I didn't report on this story before, on account of how overwhelmingly goddamn lame it was, but Ashton Kutcher has won his twitting contest with CNN to reach a million followers. Kelso marginally beat out the network by about 30 minutes, hitting the mark early this morning.
"We are over a million. CNN is still trying to get there. And that is just how it goes," Kutcher said as he popped open the bubbly. "There are a million people that need to be thanked for this." "This is David versus Goliath," Kutcher said.
"This just shows how people want to get information. It is about us. It means that one man can have a voice as loud as a media network." (Source)
Just like David and Goliath. Yes, that is almost EXACTLY what it was like. David was armed with nothing but his sling and five stones taken from a brook, and Ashton was armed with nothing but a photo of his wife's ass. Also, David freed his people from the Philistines and Ashton, uh, got more friends on twitter. It just goes to show, figurative translations of the Bible are still just as relevant, if not more, even today!
More of the Twit King during filming of his new movie, 5 Killers:
Dude, you know how I found out that Ashton Kutcher won that Twitter contest?
I got an email bulletin from CNN Breaking News. Yes, that's right, the same service that normally keeps me up to date about plane crashes, missing children and murder verdicts told me about a fucking Twitter contest.
Jesus Christ, I've somehow stepped into a scene from Idiocracy, haven't I.
Should I hate him as much as I do? I mean, since That 70s Show, I've thought he was the most annoying person ever. Why is he still famous? Why hasn't he just gone away?
Hmmm, all I know about twitter is that the past tense is "I just twatted". At least, this is what my mother tells me. So, I hereby proclaim Kutcher "King Twat". Long may he twat about.
Seriously though? Who's the bigger douchebag: Ashton or Spencer? Spencer is a self-deluded moral black hole who would force his girlfriend into porn if the money was right, and Ashton is a self-referential tread mark on the ass-side of the filthy panties which is American Pop Culture who has no filter between his brain and his mouth -- a trait which was once considered childish and disreputable, but now passes for "real" or "authentic" when in fact it is merely "ass-fatuous vulgar".
So who's the bigger douchebag? And is it important to decide right now so we can Tweet the results, or can we take a vote and publish the results via blog like they did back in the dark ages of the summer of 2008?