Mickey Rourke and his new puppy. Tell me, is there anything cuter? (CelebSmack)

How could Twilight possibly get more annoying? Two words: Drew and Barrymore. (Pajiba)

"Desperate Housewives" must be desperate for ratings if they're pulling this bullshit. (Yeeeah!)

Another Pam Anderson upskirt? Oh, grossness. (The Blemish)

Holy cow! Dexter's sister/offscreen wife can sweat like a fucking linebacker. (Seriously? OMG!)

Linda Hogan crawls out from the woodwork like the diseased cockroach she is. (Celebitchy)

Jennifer Aniston all but has a voodoo doll of Brad Pitt. Or maybe she does? (Celebslam)

Sir Anthony Hopkins must be fucking losing it. (Agent Bedhead)

Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen are married. Booo-ring. (AllieIsWired)

Zooey Descanel looked ADORABLE at the Independent Spirit Awards. (usemycomputer)

Wait a minute, Salma Hayek is forty-two? Is this some kind of joke? (Lainey Goss)

Lindsay Lohan isn't helping. (IBBB)

Idiocy: (Noun) Extremely stupid behavior.

Now that Kendra Wilkinson is no longer under Hugh Hefner's wrinkly thumb and marrying Hank Baskett, she says that her next order of business is starting a family.

"We always talk about [having kids]," Wilkinson tells PEOPLE about her plans with fiancé Hank Baskett. "He wants kids so [badly], and I do, too."

The couple are so serious about children, they've even been coming up with names. "My first initial is K and my middle name is Leigh, so we were thinking of Kaleigh," she says. "And he's Hank Baskett III, so of course I'm going to have a Hank Baskett IV!" (Source)

Kendra Wilkinson, bless her heart, has got to be one of the dumbest people I have ever encountered in my life, on television or otherwise. Hank Baskett is a big ape whose job is to run around a field with a ball, smashing into other big apes. This kid has about a zero percent chance of coming out with the ability to remember to breathe on its own.

More of Kendra showing off her engagement ring at Fashion Week:

Feminism: (Noun) The advocacy of women's rights.

Kanye West was invited to perform for a recent taping of the VH1 concert series "Storytellers." When you book Kanye West for anything, it's pretty safe to say you're booking the crazy. So it was par for the course when Kanye first trashed Radiohead's Thom Yorke. However things got a little out of hand after had some interesting, uh, opinions:

A little later, West asked the crowd, "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life." He was referring to R&B singer Chris Brown, who was arrested on the night of the Grammys on suspicion of beating his girlfriend Rihanna.

In the same context, West earned loud applause with his declaration: "Michael Jackson, amazing. Michael Phelps, amazing ... He's a real f---in' person; he makes mistakes," referring to the champion swimmer's recent bong pipe brouhaha.

VH1 has cleaned up those comments a bit, and it also included West's less-popular follow-up observation: "O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing though?" (Source)

I just hope Michael Phelps appreciates Kanye sticking up for him by lumping him in with O.J, Michael Jackson and Chris Brown. That's like punching someone in the face to wipe an eyelash off their cheek.

Kanye at Fashion Week with Maxine Headroom:

Mind-Blowingly Sexy: (Adjective) Overwhelmingly sexy to the point of brain explosions.

Oh... My... God... Are you ready for this? The Jonas Brothers? Go shirtless in their new movie Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, hitting theaters today.

"That's an interesting question," Joe told MTV News. "It was actually just everyone's collaboration. We wanted to film everything backstage, and that just happened to be our quick-change room and they caught us. It was really funny."

Added Nick, "The thing is, we were in the midst of the show, so we were just continuing like a show. So when we went backstage, we didn't realize they were there and we were changing ... we went, 'Oh my gosh! Wow! We might want to get them out of here.' So it was in the moment." (Source)

Can you even imagine? There's literally going to be theaters full of screaming tweeners having their first sexual experiences all at the same time, like a bomb of repressed horniness going off. I just feel bad for the guardians and chaperones getting dragged to this thing. You're likely to get less messy at a "Gallagher" performance.

More of The Brothers of Jonas at the premiere of The 3D Concert Experience:

Lead Foot: (Noun) A person with a tendency to drive fast.

Has anyone ever seen that show on truTV called "Speeders?" A camera crew films peoples' reactions after they've been pulled over for speeding, and makes fun of them through use of sound effects and graphics. It's basically like a cross between "COPS" and "Blind Date." Anyway, during a recent filming, "Speeders" totally caught Jodie Foster! Score! Jodie, on the other hand, was less than enthused.

Our source relates that, "Foster refused to sign a waiver to appear on the show, so the camera crew ceased filming and returned to the police car. But she grew quite agitated and angry, and kept insisting to the police officers that the radar gun must have made a mistake. She maintained to the officers that she was only going 30 mph at the time they pulled her over, and she kept interrupting and complaining that the process was taking too long."

During Foster's histrionics, the officer made a call to get his supervisor to the scene, "which just further annoyed her," according to our spy. "Despite her numerous requests otherwise, the cops still issued her a citation." (Source)

Jodie Foster is a two-time Academy Award winning actress. She's never really done anything to warrant ridicule, and I kind of don't really want to start now. This would be so much easier if Paris Hilton was the one who got pulled over. Of course, Paris would have not only signed the waiver, but probably posed for the camera while giving her best "sex face" and later offered to blow the camera man for more screen time.

Speedy Gonzalez at the 61st annual DGA Awards last month:

Those fucking fuckers are going to shit all over The Neverending Story. (Pajiba)

"DAAAAMN! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTONS SHIT RIGHT HERE!" How old is Julia Louie Dreyfus again? (Yeeeah!)

Katie Holmes just realized what she's done with her life. (Seriously? OMG!)

John Graziano's family is starting to lose sympathy points. I still hate the mothereffing Hogans, though. (The Blemish)

Grace Jones is what it would look like if Zorro and the Catwoman reproduced. (Ayyyy!)

Halle Berry pulls a Posh Spice. (cityrag)

Oh, big surprise. Owen Wilson's friends and family don't want him anywherefuckingnear Kate Hudson. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan is looking more gaunt than ever. (CelebWarship)

Is Nicole Kidman's ice cube of a uterus preggers again? (BricksAndStones)

Maybe Drew Barrymore isn't so bad after all. Even she wants Jennifer Aniston to dump John Mayer. (POTP)

What do you guys think about kissing after ... You know what. (CollegeCandy)

Woohoo! Three minute Watchmen clip online. (Popoholic)

Still: (Adverb) Up to and including the present or the time mentioned; even now.

Can you guys even believe that it's been an entire year since Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer started going out? It seems like just yesterday she was jumping into the biggest mistake of her life. At any rate, John Mayer spoke with Ryan Seacrest yesterday about the milestone:

"At some point, you feel comfortable and say, 'This is the choice I want to make,'" Mayer told Ryan Seacrest on his KIIS-FM morning radio show Wednesday. (Source)

Wow, that Jen sure is a lucky girl. That sounds a lot like the credentials I use with when deciding to buy a new car. Laugh all you want, but I've yet to have a boyfriend last longer than a car; and cars are usually more reliable, too. Oh sure, you can throw "love" around all you want, but what the fuck way is that to make a decision? It's all about the leather interior and gas mileage, my friends.

Jen at the Paris photocall for Marley & Me:

Retardation: (Noun) Slowness or limitation in intellectual understanding and awareness, emotional development, academic progress, etc.

I used to think Katy Perry was just a run-of-the-mill attention whore, but after seeing these photos of her at a show in Manchester last night, I'm starting to reconsider. The bright red heels and blue and white polka-dotted skirt? Actual smiley faces affixed to her shoulders? I think we may be looking at full on Downs Syndrome here. I mean, what kind of non retarded person names their cat Kitty Purry, anyway? And not just any Downs Syndrome either, I mean like super retarded. Like Juliette Lewis and Corky from "Life Goes On" had a lovechild and named her Katy Perry retarded. In that case, I should probably start being nicer to her. It's not nice to make fun of retarded people, you know.

Snobbery: (Noun) The trait of condescending to those of lower social status.

Gwyneth Paltrow defended "GOOP" yesterday, "GOOP" being her famous "lifestyle" website that details how you can be a better person by living like Gwyneth Paltrow. And naturally, she did it as condescendingly as she possibly could.

"I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it," Paltrow, 36, told PEOPLE Wednesday night.

Paltrow said she believes some of the barbs simply stem from the fact that she's doing something new and different. "I think that people like people to stay in their 'box' - they like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them." (Source)

Well that should change minds. Because if there's one thing people love, it's basically being called ignorant simpletons. Sure, we don't understand her controversial website because we're all just so threatened by Gwyneth telling people what restaurants she likes to eat at and what shoes she likes to wear. At least this should prepare us for when she becomes the first public advocate for legalizing Bolivian slavery, anyway.

More of Ms. "I'm So Much Better Than Everyone" at the "Bent on Learning" benefit last night:

About Time: (Phrase) Used to convey that something now happening or about to happen should have happened earlier.

Surprise! Holly Madison has ended her relationship with Criss Angel. I think it had something to do with, you know, her being Holly Madison and him being Criss Angel.

"All she's doing is following Criss Angel around to all of his magic shows, with no legitimate job to speak of," said an insider. "She's still heartbroken and regretful about how things went down with Hef.

"Then she ran into the arms of Criss Angel," the source told Us. "But then it's like, 'This is not everything I thought it would be.'" (Source)

It wasn't everything she thought it would be? What did she think it would be? He's a magician, for chrissakes. Enough fucking said. That's like dating a homeless person and being like: "Oh wait, so you really do sleep outside on the ground? And eat things out of the trash? Huh. No, no, that's cool... Oh boy, look at the time! I have really got to get going."

The beauty and the douchegician in happier times:

What in the hell is Paul Dano doing in a movie with Katie "Mad Money" Holmes? (Lainey Goss)

Andy Richter is coming back to Conan, eliciting cries of "Yay!" and "Aww..." (Pajiba)

Heather Mills is starting to resemble a Disney villainess in looks as well as personality. (CelebSmack)

Adnan Ghalib might be going away for a long, long time. (Yeeeah!)

Megan Fox demonstrates her "O" face. (The Blemish)

Marc Cherry is going to kill the living shit out of Nicolette Sheridan. (Seriously? OMG!)

Ding, dong, "The Hills" is dead! (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan wants to get into the spray tan bidness. (Celebslam)

It look over 100 hours to Photoshop Lily Allen. Really?? (Agent Bedhead)

Kelly Clarkson has come out of whatever hole she's been hiding in. If she sees her shadow, I hear it's another six weeks of winter. (AllieIsWired)

Heather Graham looks like she's on her way to the Renaissance Faire. (usemycomputer)

Rihanna pregnant with Chris Brown's baby? I don't believe this at all. (popbytes)

Businessman: (Noun) A man who works in business or commerce, esp. at an executive level.

Kevin Federline, who's biggest achievement to date is getting Britney Spears knocked up (twice!) is planning to try his hand at entrepreneurship by starting his very own childrens' clothing line.

"It's a really tough business, I'm trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans," said the rapper, who receives $20,000 a month in child support from ex Britney Spears.

"You buy your kids a pair of True Religions then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone," he went on. "With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable." (Source)

I literally had to rub my eyes in disbelief after reading this. Yeah, because jeans under $200 for kids are so hard to come by these days. It's called Gap Kids, you horse's ass. Boys jeans cost like $30 bucks there. What's K Fed going to invent next, some kind of revolutionary yet affordable tissue paper that you wipe your ass with? Because in these tough economic times, not everyone can afford to do it with $100 bills anymore.

K Fat out with the kids and girlfriend Victoria Prince in LA recently:

Convert: (Noun) A person who has been persuaded to change their religious faith or beliefs.

Kanye West has been seen around fashion week with the above model named "Amber Rose," who looks like the love child of Max Headroom and one of the Robert Palmer girls. Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, Amber Rose just happens to be a lesbian. Because Kanye West is so full of himself he thinks straight girls aren't enough of a challenge.

Supposedly, Amber’s ex-girlfriend is Trevon or Tre, aka Tiffany, who was featured in a DVD called “Aggressives” some years back. They broke up when Amber dumped Tre for Kanye. (Source)

I guess if you like pussy, you really can't do much better than Kanye West, right? The guy is only like the biggest pussy in the whole world! (I am on fire today!)

Issues: (Noun) Personal problems or difficulties.

Guess who's going to anger management? That's right, everyone's favorite domestic abuser, Chris Brown. Shame he couldn't have gone before he beat up Rihanna. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

According to a source, Brown opted for anger management at the behest of his spin doctor, Michael Sitrick. "Chris doesn't actually have to go by law," our insider tells us, "but he believes it will make him look better to the public, and he wants to try to get in a few classes before March 5," his court date. (Source)

Well of course the asshole is doing it just for his image. Because you know what works even better than anger management? Prison. It's hard to be angry about anything when you're biting into your pillow trying not to scream while your cell mate named "Skidmark" pounds the holy hell out of your backside. Grief, despair, self-pity; yes -- but definitely not anger.

Gag: (Verb) To choke or retch.

New BFF alert! Reportedly aging, stale hipster actress Drew Barrymore has latched onto the younger, fresher hipster actress Ellen Page. Yippee! Oh, that was an exclamation of sarcasm, by the way.

Ellen Page, 22, joined Drew, 34, at the Palazzo in Las Vegas on Feb. 21 to celebrate their shared birthday weekend with "birthday cakes, Red Bull and champagne," an insider tells OK!.

In fact the pair was so chummy that standing "arm in arm" at a Cat Power show at Avalon Hollywood on Feb. 10, "Drew rested her head on Ellen's shoulder and rubbed her nose on her neck," an onlooker says. (Source)

It's funny. I just like, knew that Ellen Page would eventually do something to make me wanna puke... And look! Now it's happened. I've had my suspicions in the past, but I think this proves that I'm clearly psychic. Although having the power to see into the future to know which celebrities will annoy you is pretty much the most useless psychic power ever. Why couldn't it have something to do with the lottery? Stupid life.

More of Juno at the Independent Spirit Awards:

Illusions: (Noun) Something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality.

Rut roh, this can't be good. For Britney Spears' upcoming "Circus" tour, she'll be serving as magician's assistant as well as performing her songs.

"Right away, she got into the boxes and into the magic contraptions to learn the stuff, and she's so excited about this tour and all the elements that are in it," illusionist-comedian Ed Alonzo said.

Spears will serve as Alonzo's assistant during the bit, but that won't stop her from missing out on the fun. "If I do a trick, she doesn't just hold the props, she's actually getting inside the big boxes or I am slicing her up." (Source)

Isn't there a reason why magicians and magician's assistants usually kind of, you know, trained professionals? This has just got bad idea written all over it. On the bright side, we might finally be closer to answering the age old question: If you cut Britney Spears in half, will the halves grow back like an earthworm? Stay tuned!

Fake wax Comeback Britney, only slightly less creepy than real Comeback Britney:

Here's a real-time-review of Feast III: The Happy Finish. Wait, don't spoiler! I still haven't seen Feast I or Feast II! (Pajiba)

I didn't cover this because, uck, but Beyonce slipped a nipple at the Oscars. (The Blemish)

Oh, Britney... Have you learned nothing? (Yeeeah!)

The Jonas Brothers challenge their #1 fan. But sadly, not in a duel with loaded firearms. (Seriously? OMG!)

Getting mocked at the Oscars? All part of Joaquin's master plan. (Celebitchy)

Here are the dresses that weren't good enough for the Oscars. (Ayyyy!)

And that's why you don't get matching tattoos with your boyfriend. (cityrag)

Nicky Hilton is kicking ass and taking names. (CelebWarship)

Why does Mischa Barton appear on the cover of FHM? Sigh. (BricksAndStones)

Natalie Portman continues to be a loser magnet. (POTP)

I don't need some fancy, high falutin' report to tell me I watch crap on TV. (College Candy)

Lindsay Lohan poses topless... Again. (Popoholic)

Watch Rob Dyrdek shred inside a Carl's Jr. restaurant. (IDWYL)

Finally: (Adverb) After a long time, typically involving difficulty or delay.

Is everybody ready for the big news? Megan Fox and Brian Green have broken up. I repeat, have broken up. This is not a drill. They have officially called off their engagement and are parting ways.

"The relationship had run its course," an insider tells Us exclusively. "It's completely amicable, and they are remaining friends." (Source)

It's about damn time. I could have reported on this last week, it was just a matter of when. In other "Things I See Coming" news; tomorrow around 9am I'll take a dump and in 5 billion years from now the sun will enter its "Red Giant Phase" and consume the Earth, but we'll probably all be dead by then thanks to global warming. Surprise!

More of Megan Fox and her golden globes at The Golden Globes: (See what I did there?)

Exaggerated: (Adjective) Represent something as being larger, better, or worse than it really is.

Between the recent weight controversy of Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, I guess a couple people have also commented on Mischa Barton's figure. So Mischa, who is basically like a more useless and less interesting version of Lindsay Lohan, took to her blog to dispel rumors like she isn't totally excited that people are paying attention to her in the first place.

So lately there's been a lot of crazy press about my weight and just so you guys know I'm happier and healthier than ever so there is no need to worry about me. Things are really well in Mischa world and I've just been watching what I eat. (Source)

Mischa World? What's that? I wonder if it's anything like Disney World. Except instead of animal costumes everyone dresses up like hippies with Downs Syndrome and smokes pot like it's their job. Which is ironic, right? Because in Mischa World, having a "job" is strictly forbidden. I know, it's crazy, but I don't make the rules in Mischa World.

Infectious: (Adjective) Of a disease-causing organism likely to be transmitted through the environment.

Uhhhh... So, apparently, this happened the other night. I could make an easy joke that the last time I saw the threat of germ warfare of this caliber was when I was reading The Stand -- but I'm more distracted by the look on Paris Hilton's face. Is it me, or is she actually rolling her eyes at Tila Tequila? Like, she legitimately is thinking: "Somebody get this trashy, disgusting, 15-minutes-of-fame hooker away from me." Not that Tila Tequila isn't those things, mind you, but the only thing differentiating Tila Tequila from Paris Hilton is a trust fund and a sex tape. And while Tila may be a glorifed, small Vietanmese boy stripper, a porn star she ain't. That I know of. Yet.

Obnoxious: (Adjective) Annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, for some inexplicable reason, spent her 30th birthday dressed up at Audrey Hepburn's character in Breakfast at Tiffany's with a Breakfast at Tiffany's themed party. Oh wait, I guess the reason isn't that inexplicable after all. It's because Jennifer Love Hewitt is pathetic and retarded.

It began with a croissant and coffee at Beverly Hills jeweler Tiffany's, where she dressed as her heroine's character Holly Golightly for a real breakfast at Tiffany's.

And the Hepburn theme continued throughout the day at the Montage, where friends and family celebrated with Hewitt. The actress says, "It was amazing. I had a great day." (Source)

Well I guess it does kind of make sense. After all, Holly Golightly was a needy, self-absorbed call girl and Jennifer Love Hewitt is a need, self-absorbed actress. Aside from the fact that Holly Golightly didn't need to purge Fiddle Faddle for a week to fit into her dress, there's almost no conceivable difference.

Snubbed: (Verb) To have rebuff, ignore, or spurn disdainfully.

Another fantastic headline compliments of the crack reporters at US Magazine. Oh, and so was Werner Herzog, depending who you ask. But good news for Audrina, I hear the Academy is already hearing favorable things about Into the Blue 2: The Reef, so there's always next year!

Audrina at the Grammys earlier this month: (She didn't win one of those, either.)

What's Victoria Beckham's superpower? The ability to consume negative calories per day? (Seriously? OMG!)

Miley Cyrus demonstrates in this clip all of the reasons why I fucking hate her. (Lainey Goss)

Judd Apatow is still exacting his revenge on the world for not watching "Freaks & Geeks" and "Undeclared." (Pajiba)

Hahaha. Lindsay Lohan says she's thin because she's so stressed from all the meetings for movie roles. Hahaha. (Celebitchy)

Rihanna finally releases a statement. Everyone just leave her alone, basically. (Celebslam)

Just as long as she doesn't go back to that asshole Chris Brown. (AllieIsWired)

Nicole Ritchie must be really in love to have another one of Joel Madden's pasty, fat-headed babies. (Yeeeah!)

Let's all take a Gisele Bundchen bikini break from all this tedious-ass Oscar coverage. (The Blemish)

Dita Von Teese looks covetable just walking around shopping. (CelebSmack)

I think I am actually digging on Kanye's new mullet. It is fabulously crazy. (omg blog)

I tried to include photos of Lisa Rinna in my Oscar fashion wrap up but my computer literally refused to edit photos of her and shut down on me. (IBBB)

Subtle: (Adjective) Of a mixture or effect delicately complex and understated.

Despite as previously reported, Madonna did not in fact show up to Oscar events this weekend with her dumb as a bowl full of marshmallow Peeps boyfriend hanging on her arm. Instead, she brought along millions and millions of dollars of diamond jewelry. (And of course, two tickets to the gun show. Zing!) The extravagance included:

• A black and white diamond chain with 500 carats of the shiny stones
• A diamond bangle with 25 carats of diamonds and platinum
• An onyx and diamond bracelet with 50 carats of diamonds
• A pair of diamond pear shape earrings of 20 carats each
• A square diamond and onyx ring

Then for her own private party — not wanting to skimp on diamonds — Madge strapped herself into a cross and chain with 100 carats of diamonds, bracelets with 50 carats of diamonds, long diamond earrings worth 1 million dollars and a huge diamond and platinum ring. (Source)

In this bleak economic landscape, many celebrities are going for more understated looks to practice a bit of sensitivity. But I guess they don't teach sensitivity in Kabbalah. I guess we can just add that to the list of things they don't teach in Kabbalah, along with how not to have the messiest public divorce ever and the best places to inject steroids. Oh wait -- my bad. They totally do teach you that last one.

Clean Sweep: (Noun) A naval expression meaning a successful mission.

Slumdog Millionaire wasn't the only big winner last night. Paris Hilton also collected a few awards for her cinematic endeavors. In other words, yes, the Razzie Awards were also held this weekend!

Much like Oscar nominee Kate Winslet at the Golden Globes, the hotel heiress swept the acting categories, being named Worst Actress for The Hottie and the Nottie and Worst Supporting Actress for Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Hilton was also gonged for Worst Screen Couple with her Hottie costars, Christine Lakin and Joel David Moore. (Source)

I don't know what film role Paris Hilton is eyeing up next, but maybe she should just respectfully withdraw her name from next year's consideration -- if not to be fair to her fellow nominees. It's the same reason why Kate Winslet can't play a nazi or Tom Hanks can't play a retard in every movie. There's only so many Oscars to go around, you know.

More of the Big Winner dressed completely asininely at Fashion Week:

Historic: (Adjective) Famous or important in history, or potentially so.

In other Oscar news, last night's 81st annual Academy Awards marked the first time Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were all in the same room since Brad dumped her for Angelina Jolie back in 2005. It will likely go down in history with other landmarks such as Washington crossing the Delaware and Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech.

When Black made a joke about how all Pixar films win Oscars, Aniston said, "I apologize Mr. Katzenberg [Jeffrey Katzenberg is the co-founder of Dreamworks], I don't know why we let him out of the house." The camera then panned to Jolie, who laughed.

When Aniston announced the nominees, she moved to the center of the stage, right in front of Jolie and Pitt. When the lights were down, Aniston smiled directly at Pitt, but not at Jolie. Aniston then presented Best Short Film; both Pitt and Jolie kept huge smiles on their faces the entire time. As Aniston walked off stage, Jolie and Pitt both clapped. (Source)

See now? That wasn't so hard now, was it? Imagine how much easier the media would have gone on them if they would have just been friendly to each other before this. And there's nothing wrong with staying friendly with your exes. It's supposed to be really healthy, even. I say this objectively speaking of course, because I would literally set my boyfriend's ex on fire before I let her come near us.

More of Jennifer Aniston with John Mayer wearing a (what else) white gown at the Vanity Fair Oscar party last night:

White Wedding: (Noun) A traditional formal or semi-formal Western wedding, referring to the white color of the wedding dress, which became popular in the Victorian era.

I missed most of the Oscars last night because I was away for the weekend, and oh yeah, also because I effing hate the Oscars. But as I flip through the photos this morning I notice that many of the dresses had something in common. I wonder if it's somebody's official job to send out a memo to the attendees that say, "Pssst. We're all wearing dresses that look like wedding gowns this year." You'd think at least Sarah Jessica Parker would be tired of this noise after the stupid Sex and the City movie last year. Guess not. Oh, and true story: Last night I had to stop at my parents' house to pick up my dog and my mom informed me that Sarah Jessica looked like "a fairy princess." OK, I can kind of see that. Except Sarah Jessica Parker is old, so she's kind of like whatever the opposite of what a "princess" is. A fairy hag, maybe? Yep, that works.

Hop on inside for more dresses and dresses and dresses!

Holy mother of God, am I relieved I didn't pick the short straw for reviewing the new Jonas Brothers movie. Everyone say a little prayer for Agent Bedhead, though. (Pajiba)

Tori Spelling got D-E-N-I-E-D at Fashion Week. (Lainey Goss)

I don't care what anyone says, Nicole Ritchie's baby is not cute. It looks just like one of those fugging Madden brothers. (Yeeeah!)

The manhunt is on for the asshole who leaked Rihanna's photo to TMZ. (The Blemish)

Even the movie posters for Inglorious Basterds are balls-out awesome. (Agent Bedhead)

Rihanna's dad points out a bright side to his daughter's photo being leaked. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan spends $800 per week or her hair and $500 for Samantha Ronson's, for what a flowbee could essentially do for free. (Celebslam)

Even celebrities forget to shave their pits sometimes. (Seriously? OMG!)

Hayden dumped Milo because of a preggo scare? (AllieIsWired)

Ellen and Portia want to have babies and live on a farm. Who doesn't? (CelebSmack)

I covet Isla Fisher's black minidress. (usemycomputer)

Holy snaps! Rudy Huxtable is smoking freaking hot! (IBBB)

Accessorize: (Verb) To serve as a fashion accessory to a garment.

Oooh, I love this story. Love it, love it, love it. Madonna is actually bringing her fuck boy, Jesus Luz, out in public for Oscar night. That'll show Guy Ritchie what's what.

“Madonna and Jesus have spent all week planning their outfits for Oscar night,” a pal tells OK! “Madonna is planning on using the Vanity Fair party to introduce Jesus to the world as her new boyfriend, and she wants everything to be perfect!" (Source)

She's wants everything to be perfect? She's a 50-year-old woman bringing a 22-year-old model with the IQ of cabbage to the Oscars. The only way it's going top be perfect is if she hops into a time machine and transports herself back to an age where bringing a 22-year-old model with the IQ of cabbage to the Oscars wasn't totally pathetic. But, since time machines don't exist yet, she'll just have to settle for pathetic. That's kind of close to perfect, right?

Virtuous: (Adjective) Having or showing high moral standards.

Here is Miley Cyrus' Christian underwear model boyfriend, Justin Gaston, managing to take his dick out of an underage girl just long enough to pose grabbing it for VMAN magazine. You know, I barely even recognized him since he's not wearing that crucifix around his neck like he usually does. But hopefully, thanks to publicity like this he should be much more recognizable by the time he gets thrown in with the general population.

Endangered: (Adjective) Of a species seriously at risk of extinction.

Oh noes! Jon Bon Jovi's glorious, glorious mane is in jeopardy. Apparently, unbeknownst to everyone, Jon Bon has been fighting hair loss for quite some time now.

Bon Jovi says, "Oh, let me tell you, I am so worried (about my hair). I look at guys like Sting and think, 'Well, he's cool about it,' but I'm already losing it a bit and I'm so aware of it. Someone told me that you have to regularly massage your scalp, so I do that all the time. You look like a jerk, but it's got to be worth a shot, right?" (Source)

I'm going to impart a bit of Bret Michaels advice to Jon Bon and say that now would probably be a good time to invest in bandanas. Not only are they perfectly functional at hiding that pesky hair loss, but they go great with everything! From biker gear to silk pajamas! Your only question to yourself will be why you didn't start wearing them sooner.

At the "We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration" last month:

Irresponsible: (Adjective) Not showing a proper sense of responsibility.

In what has got to violate some kind of animal cruelty laws, the Kardashian family has apparently adopted a chimpanzee. Kim Kardashian writes on her blog:

Her name is Suzy, she is three years old, and she is a handful!

She steals our BlackBerrys and climbs up my mom's bed.

Having a monkey is a lot of work. Suzy always has her diaper on and we are the ones who have to change it!

It's just like having an infant but worse because Suzy runs around like a teenager! She always needs to be fed, drinks out of a bottle and she loves Capri Sun juices! (Source)

Sooo... I'm guessing no one told them that those things can rip your face off? Please, please no one tell them that those things can rip your face off. This could be the start of a really great trend. Today the Kardashian family adopts a chimpanzee. Tomorrow, Heidi and Spencer adopt a lion cub. Then maybe down the road a bit, the Hogans can adopt a genetically created velociraptor. Yeah, yeah. I know that last one is just plain silly. But a girl can dream, can't she?

Reprehensible: (Adjective) Deserving censure or condemnation.

A photo of Rihanna taken by the LAPD shortly after she was assaulted was leaked on the internet last night, compliments of the beacons of journalism over at TMZ. You won't find it on this website nor will I be linking to it, however. Because I may make fun of babies and fat people, but apparently I still have some sliver left of what's known as a conscience. It must be nice though, I bet, to just lose it completely. I guess that's the difference between really liking your grandmom's antique engagement ring and stealing it off her finger as she lies cold in the box. In the end, I still don't have a pretty ring, but I also don't have to take half a bottle of vodka and a handful of vicodin to sleep with myself at night. Just the usual pint glass of wine from the box. You know, for the babies.

Anyone remember "Parker Lewis Can't Lose?" It's finally coming to DVD! (Pajiba)

Madonna kidnapped Jesus! (Yeeeah!)

Lily Allen copied off of Rihanna. (The Blemish)

Adam Carolla's radio show was unceremoniously given the axe. (Seriously? OMG!)

Whatever you do, don't picture Taylor Swift naked. See? You can't do it! (Celebitchy)

Mary Kate Olsen still does not give a flying shit what PETA thinks. (Ayyyy!)

Can you name the celebrity ass? (cityrag)

Kate Winslet has gotten nekkid for the last time. (CelebWarship)

OMG!!! It's Chunk from The Goonies! Check him out now! (BricksAndStones)

Rihanna's album sales are suddenly skyrocketing. Hmm... Maybe if I get my ass kicked, people will finally start reading this blog. (POTP)

Has anyone else ever had a gym orgasm before? (CollegeCandy)

Gay Jonas' girlfriend poses for GQ. (Popoholic)

Disgusting: (Noun) A feeling of revulsion aroused by something unpleasant.

Ugh, gross. Lisa Rinna is posing for Playboy. I thought Playboy maintained some semblance of standards, but apparently it's just an all-out freak show these days. Anyway, supposedly Lisa had to actually be told to lay off the gym so she'd resemble less of a piece of jerky.

Rinna explains she received direct orders from Playboy photographer Deborah Anderson, who also shot Rinna for the Room 23 book. "She said, 'I do not want you long and sinewy and angular and muscular. I want you soft,' " says Rinna. (Source)

Lisa Rinna soft. Cue me trembling in revulsion. It's gonna take a lot more than a week of skipping the gym to make Lisa Rinna "soft." Does the United States military actually employ special ops photoshop artists? I'm just saying, it's not a bad idea to explore that as an option.

More of Trout Face at a Women's Cancer Research fundraiser recently:

Degradation: (Noun) The condition or process of degrading or being degraded.

Jessica Simpson, who is no stranger to crushing humiliation these days, just took another low blow: Unsolicited diet advice from Richard Simmons. I can barely stand to look it's so painful.

"I was 268 pounds -- I've been there," the weight guru tells Entertainment Tonight. "We eat for so many reasons," Simmons says. "Most of the reasons are emotional."

It's just so tough to be exposed, and let people see you gain weight. "I pray for all those celebrities who are having a really tough time," he goes on. (Source)

Every time something like this happens to Jessica Simpson, I think, "There's no way life could possibly mock her worse than this." And sure, again I think this now, but then next week the San Diego Zoo will name one of its new baby elephants in her honor and the week after she'll be tapped to play "Petuna" in the live action film adaptation of "Porky Pig." Just you wait.

God's Whipping Girl at the Academy of Country Music Awards nominations last week:

Functional: (Adjective)  Complying with norms of social behavior.

Tom Cruise decided to pull a Heidi and Spencer and release these ridiculously staged candids from their family trip to Disney World last weekend. Because... This totally works for Heidi and Spencer, right? I mean, look how happy they are! There's almost zero chance of any mind control or secret, freaky ass play going on behind the scenes. How could there be? They're all smiling!

Nauseating: (Adjective) Of something which makes someone feel sick.

Katy Perry was forced to leave the Brit Awards last night (as seen above) after vomiting backstage. Not even for being a drunken idiot, which is what you'd think, either. Apparently Katy was just legitimately sick.

And Perry explained her illness to the audience: "I'm so sick right now, but they said I should show up because something special might happen. Thank you to everyone at my record label. (I proved) I work pretty hard because I want to die right now." (Source)

No word yet on what caused her illness, but my theory is that it had something to do with her entire corset being covered in Hello Kitty. I know I had to fight back chunks of half digested English muffin just looking at it.

Terrifying: (Adjective) Of something causing extreme fear.

Pamela Anderson made a surprise appearance at designer Richie Rich's fashion week show, "Blondes Have More Fun." Hmm... It just makes me wonder. If I was being charged on either side by a rhino and Pam Anderson, which would I pick? Sure, giant fake boobs are definitely softer than a rhino's horn; but would I really want to live with that kind of post-traumatic stress my whole life? I think not.

I reviewed Jessica Simpson's new direct-to-DVD movie for Pajiba. Because apparently I'm not content with killing my brain cells the traditional way, with booze. (Pajiba)

Kirsten Dunst once again manages to push the fugvelope. (The Blemish)

Haw haw. Mickey Rourke crashed Paris Hilton's birthday party and stole her thunder. I mean Valtrex. Now she's got nothing to stop the next outbreak. (Yeeeah!)

The Brangelina Crew are movin' on up... To the East Side! (Seriously? OMG!)

Mischa Barton is still an attention whore. (Celebitchy)

Beyonce's sister had a nipple slip which no one would have known or cared about if she hadn't made a huge issue of it on her twitter page. (Celebslam)

Can we expect a NIN and Jane's Addiction 2009 tours? (Agent Bedhead)

Britney Spears' new video takes place in an actual bedroom. Next stop, porn! (AllieIsWired)

1991 flashback! A Britney vs. Christina sing off! (CelebSmack)

Kitty Purry wearing stupid leopard print. (usemycomputer)

How the hell did Ed Westwick score this photoshoot with Helena Christensen? (popbytes)

Frieda Pinto from Slumdog Millionaire has unceremoniously dumped her pre-fame secret husband. (Lainey Goss)

Hey goss luvahs! The NY Post has a brand new widget, and you get a free Ashanti song download when you do. Sweet deal! (NY Post)

Confident: (Adjective) Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.

John Mayer revealed exclusively to the website PopSugar that he will, in fact, be accompanying Jennifer Aniston to this Sunday's Oscars. Aniston is rumored to be presenting.

"I’ll give you the scoop. I’m going to the Oscars. That’s a PopSugar scoop. It’s my first Oscars. And it’s my first being an Oscar boyfriend. (Source)

Well that's really nice. Really, really nice. A lesser man might take umbrage with being a glorified purse holder on his lady's big night. Good thing John Mayer isn't some kind of self-absorbed douchebag or anything. Oh wait, except, he totally is. So yeah, I'm no psychic, but I see a threesome with two large-breasted blondes in John Mayer's immediate future. That's right, Johnny Boy, you still the man.

More of Johnny Boy and Jen's romantic Valentine's weekend in the Bahamas: (Editor's note: Ewwww! Douche cooties!)

Sylph: (Noun) A slender woman or girl.

Have I mentioned how much I am loving Victoria Beckham's look lately? I love the haircut, the whole mod thing she's been rocking -- all of it. But still, every time I look at her, I think it's one of nature's more bizarre miracles that this woman has birthed three of David Beckham's children. In the animal kingdom, that would equate to a chihuahua getting knocked up by a horse. And you know Animal Planet would probably do an entire series based on the amazing horse-rearing chihauhau. It would probably be the highest rating for the network since Mario Lopez hosted "Pet Star."

More of the Sparkly Chihuahua at Fashion Week:

Ladies' Man: (Noun) A man who enjoys spending time and flirting with women.

Without further ado:

Joe Jonas is the biggest flirt of the Jonas Brothers, Kevin Jonas revealed on the CBS' The Early Show Tuesday. "He's a ladies' man," Kevin said while promoting the Bros' new 3D concert flick, out Feb. 27. "Girls love him!" (Source)

In other news, teenage girls continue to have doomed crushed on gay boys. It is now predicted, thanks to The Jonas Brothers' influence, that by the year 2014 approximately 37% of girls will have a gay prom date to the Senior Prom. You can't argue with statistics, folks.

The Jonas Brothers at The Early Show: (Editor's note: My boyfriend's cousin is in the crowd immediately behind The Jonas Brothers. I am not making that up. And no, I'm not telling you which one she is.)

Sadness: (Adjective) Causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable.

Mickey Rourke's beloved Chihuahua "Loki" has passed away at the ripe old doggy age of 18. Rourke has famously carried Loki around with him on red carpets and even thanked his dogs during his Golden Globe speech.

"I'd like to thank all my dogs, the ones who are here and the ones who aren't here anymore," The Wrestler star said when accepting his Globe for Best Actor last month.

"Sometimes, when a man is alone, that's all you got is your dog. And they've meant the world to me." (Source)

I'm not going to make a joke about a dog dying; not even Crazy Old Man Rourke's weird little chihuahua who kind of looked like him. Because there is nothing funny about dogs dying. That's why if a director really wants to fuck with your heartstrings in a movie, they kill the dog. Sure, they could always kill a person or a child, but really? It's just not the same. Everybody knows it.

More of Crazy Old Man Rourke and Loki, R.I.P., at the Venice Film Vestival last fall:

Shizzle: (Adverb) I concur, my African American friend. (Via Urban Dictionary)

Here is Snoop Dog rapping with Paris Hilton, in a little ditty I'd like to call: "Pissing All Over What's Left of My Rap Career." He could have done something like made a children's movie or beat up Rihanna, but I guess he decided to go the classy route and rap with Paris. And by "classy" I mean "herpes encrusted."

More of Cred Killer izzling it up at Fashion Week:

Kitty Purry says that she and Benji are "just friends." (CelebWarship)

Three words: Lesbian, vampire and killers. Boom! (Pajiba)

It may not be socially acceptable to get trashed on Monday nights after 21 or 22, but hey -- I'm 31 and I still manage to pull it off. (College Candy)

Lindsay Lohan might be all up on Chace Crawford's dick. (Celebitchy)

Hayden and Milo (I'm not even attempting their last names) have split to a "lifestyle conflict." Uhhh, meaning, she's still 19 and he's still 31. (The Blemish)

Suri Cruise got to go to Disney World and it looks like her dad didn't even flirt with Prince Charming. (Seriously? OMG!)

What a shocker... Miley Cyrus's parents are apparently exercising parental control. (Parental control FAIL.) (Yeeeah!)

Brigitte Nielsen rocks a pantsuit better than Kitty Purry. (Ayyyy!)

Not quite nipple slipping is the hottest new trend in Hollywood. (cityrag)

I knew Criss Angel couldn't get a girlfriend like Holly Madison without drugging her. (BricksAndStones)

Short of trotting her up on a scale in public, I can't really make the call whether or not Kelly Clarkson's weight ir normal or unhealthy. (POTP)

Scarlett Johansson gets her airbrush on for Dolce & Gabbana. (Popoholic)

Paris Hilton showed her vadge again? Must be Tuesday. (IDWYL)

Gene Pool: (Noun) The stock of different genes in an interbreeding population.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony continued their united front of solidarity at Rat Face's show at Madison Square Garden on Valentine's Day, even bringing their one-year-old twins, Max and Emme onstage with them at the end. Judging by little Max here, I'm going to go ahead and say that these kids probably don't get their looks from their mom's side of the family. I'm going to say that because it's not nice to say that a baby looks like a Puerto Rican cross between Mini Me and Gollum. And if there's one thing I like to keep around here, it's a sense of decorum.

Inconspicuous: (Adjective) Not clearly visible or attracting attention.

Carrie Underwood was attending her boyfriend, NHL Ottawa Senators player Mike Fisher's game at Nashville's Sommet Center when the jumbotron picked up on her. Carrie was clearly displeased to have been shown onscreen -- and, I'm not sure I can explain exactly what happened next -- but she just up and disappeared! The only thing I can think of is that there is some sort of possible witchcraftery at play here. Or possibly invisible paint. All I know is that this sounds like a job for "Unsolved Mysteries," to me.

More of the female version of Miss Copperfield at last week's Grammy awards:

Unqualified: (Adjective) Not competent or sufficiently knowledgeable to do something.

Aww, man!! We were this close to having Heidi Montag on the upcoming season of "Dancing With The Stars." That would have made two shitty reality shows featuring Heidi Montag that I won't watch.

(When asked by Us if her sister was close to appearing on the show, Holly Montag was hesitant to confirm because "we try to keep our business separate from family.") (Source)

"Dancing With The Stars" has, in the past, boasted such star power as Heather Mills, Nick Lachey's brother and Kim Kardashian. It's one thing to take liberties with the word "stars" and quite another to flat out abuse it. If the producers would have let Heidi Montag on the show, I just don't know how they would have been able to live with themselves. We would have seen at least a few "Dancing With The Stars"-related suicides as a result of that, I'm sure.

Frick and Frack Valentine'ining it up this weekend:

Unclear: (Adjective) Not easy to see, hear, or understand.

Now it's time to play the game: What's Mel Gibson supposed to be! Is Mel Gibson supposed to be Don Quixote? Sir Didymus? Lord Satan? A scotty dog? Time's up! If you said "a drunken, anti-Semitic asshole with sadomasochist tendencies and a stupid, fruity little beard" -- you win!

Glutton: (Noun) An excessively greedy eater.

Hey guys, I'm back! Sorry, I don't normally take off for stupid holidays like President's Day or Columbus Day or Easter or what have you... But, I decided I wanted a day off. So, there. Anyway, it looks like I missed a ton of good gossip yesterday. Such as, Lindsay Lohan fired back at weight loss rumors at a fashion week event this weekend after many of us have been noticing that there has been considerably... Less of her lately.

"I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald's," she told Us Sunday at the Matthew Williamson NYC store opening. "I eat just as much as I always have."

The 22-year-old actress said she thinks she has just been "working a lot." She said she also blames "stress ... and lack of sleep when I travel." (Source)

This is clearly a bold-faced lie. Working a lot? Lindsay Lohan? We're talking about the same firecrotch now, aren't we? Furthermore, it's obvious she's lying about the Big Mac thing because these are photos from the actual event and I don't see a large, Big Mac shaped protrusion sticking out of her stomach like a python that just swallowed a live cow.

27 Dresses has been named the worst chick flick of all time. (Pajiba)

How the hell do these photos keep making their way online? (Celebslam)

Jennifer Love Hewitt rocks the bastard love child of a Snuggie and a poncho. (Yeeeah!)

Tara Reid says she started drinking because she was shy. (The Blemish)

Mary Kate Olsen must have an entire bucket of jizz in her hair. (Seriously? OMG!)

Mickey Rourke does not respond favorably to allegations that he's getting it on with Courtney Love. (Celebitchy)

Kate Hudson had a stripper pole installed in her bathroom. For when magazines just aren't enough entertainment. (Agent Bedhead)

Chris Brown isn't just an asshole, he's a fucking super asshole. (AllieIsWired)

Paris Hilton shows off her crotch. Again. (CelebSmack)

Katrina Bowden at The International premiere! (usemycomputer)

The Vagina Virgins (Hee!!!) got to read their very own Top Ten list on Letterman. Gag me with a dick. (Lainey Goss)

Corey Feldman and Tia Carerra are uninvited. (IBBB)

Here's a list of the 50 most romantic film gestures of all time. Happy Valentine's Day! (BuddyTV)

Party Trick: (Noun) A gag or trick performed to amuse people in a social setting.

If you haven't heard by now, Lily Allen has a third nipple. And boy, will she use any excuse to break that sucker out, as seen here at an event for the radio station Z100. Not that I blame her; if I had a third nipple I'd be doing the same thing. Then maybe I wouldn't be known as "the girl who shows up to places with her own box of wine."

Mitigating Circumstances: (Noun) Something that lessens the gravity of an offense or mistake.

Chris Brown's cousin Phylicia Thompson has spoken out about her cousin's assault on Rihanna, and yeahhhh... She's not helping.

"It had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it (sic). He wouldn't have done it just to be having fun. Yes, he's done something wrong, because he put his hands on her (Rihanna), but you don't know what happened. He had to be provoked to do it. Everybody loved Chris... This comes as a surprise to me." (Source)

Hell, just so long as he didn't do it for fun. Maybe back in the olden days it was socially acceptable to head on over to the park for a picnic, toss the frisbee around and put a choke on your bitch -- but those days have long since passed, my friends.

Loophole: (Noun) An ambiguity or inadequacy in the law or a set of rules.

I knew those Jonas Brothers were a bunch of fucking liars. Apparently their whole "promise ring" bullshit is open to interpretation. I guess they just don't make promise rings like they used to.

When asked if he really meant that he and his brothers would be saving themselves for marriage, youngest brother Nick clarifies, "No. That was a personal statement made under personal circumstances...but we wear these rings and they're a constant reminder to us about living a life with values." (Source)

So what I think Nick here is trying to say is that they're still not having vaginal intercourse -- but are totally down with the butt sex. Well, I can think of at least one Jonas brother who is probably A-OK with that arrangement, anyway. (Pssst... The one on the right.)

The Jonas Turds arriving at "Letterman" yesterday:

Priceless: (Adjective) So precious that its value cannot be determined.

An explicit, full-frontal nude photo of Madonna (link extremely NSFW and spoiler alert! She's not a natural blonde!) circa 1979 sold at Christie's auction house yesterday for the whopping amount of $37,500.

Lee Friedlander's raw, explicit black-and-white image appeared in Playboy in 1985. Friedlander has said of the photo session that Madonna "seemed very confident, a street-wise girl. She told me she was putting a band together but half the kids that age are doing that. She was a good professional model." (Source)

What would you even do with a $37,500 naked picture of Madonna? Hang it in your bathroom? I guess for the discerning gentleman, one of those artsy-looking, preframed pictures from IKEA just won't cut it. Of course, for the discerning gentleman, regular sex probably doesn't cut it either so much as slamming your dick in a storm window over and over and over again.

More disgusting racy photos of Madonna circa now:

Unburden: (Verb) Relieve someone of something that is causing anxiety or distress.

Jessica Simpson played at NYC's Madison Square Gaarden last night and made an embarrassing admission about her wardrobe. Sometimes? Her pants kind of split.

"I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note," the singer told fans, laughing. "That's why I'm wearing a skort - not a skirt, not a short - just so they wouldn't split." (Source)

I'm not going to make fun of Jessica Simpson for her pants splitting. In fact, I think it's commendable for her to keep such good humor and be able to joke about herself in a time like this. The skort thing, on the other hand? Jesus woman, pull yourself together. There's self deprecation and then there's admitting that you're wearing "not a skirt, not a short." That's like admitting to wearing your period underpants or that you killed someone with your car one time when you were drunk.

So that's where eight babies comes from. (BricksAndStones)

Sandler. James. Rock. Spade. Schneider. Oh, it's bad all right. (Pajiba)

Lily Allen looks cute leaving the Bowery in NYC. (Yeeeah!)

Jay-Z has plans to murder Chris Brown. (The Blemish)

Vintage Padalecki, come aaaand get it! (Seriously? OMG!)

Octomom has been kind of stalkering Angelina Jolie for awhile now. (Celebitchy)

This is the most insane "Price Is Right" clip ever. (Best Week Ever)

Michelle Pfeiffer totally outshines stupid Keira Knightley. (Ayyyy!)

Well at least somebody "gets" Hilary Swank. (cityrag)

Mischa Barton is looking... Unwell. (CelebWarship)

Jessica figures out that black is a girl's best friend. (POTP)

SIGH... Prince Harry is being racist again. (GoneHollywood)

Olivia Munn is in outer space... With rainbows!!! (Popoholic)

Natural: (Adjective) Of a skill, quality, or ability coming instinctively to a person.

Tori Spelling, who has somehow wormed her way back onto the new "90210," recently talked about the experience to US Magazine, saying that the experience "scary" for her. Like she wouldn't have stepped over her dad's cold dead body to get the part or anything.

"I was so nervous and didn't know what it was going to be like," she told Us. "I was afraid I wouldn't remember how to play Donna [her character].

"But I got halfway through the first scene and was like, 'Oh, wow - there she is!'" added Spelling, whose multiple episodes begin airing Apr. 14. "She has been in me this whole time. She's been hiding in there for 8 years and never left." (Source)

Yeeeesch. Donna Martin sounds a lot like a tapeworm or one of those absorbed conjoined twins or something. Only more unpleasant.

Donna Martin and the other one filming a scene for "90210":

Contagious: (Adjective) Of a disease spread from one person to another by direct or indirect contact.

Paris Hilton has been blamed with starting an epidemic of abandoned chihuahuas in animal shelters across California. The problem has apparently gotten so bad that some shelters have banned anyone under the age of 21 from adopting miniature dogs.

Chihuahua Club of America head Lynnie Bunten tells the National Enquirer, "Chihuahuas are not a toy or a fashion accessory. But because some people think they are -- then realize they're wrong -- there's a growing problem of abandoned Chihuahuas." (Source)

Well, that definitely sucks for the poor animals. But... On the bright side, this is probably the only time Paris Hilton will ever be blamed for starting an epidemic that doesn't end up requiring hazmat suits and community vaccinations.

More of Whorey McWhoresmack at the Grammy awards last weekend:

Obviously: (Adjective) Easily perceived or understood; clear, self-evident, or apparent.

Here's Eva Longoria's BFF and purse-holder Mario Lopez giggling like a schoolgirl with Eva and Ken Paves at the opening of a salon in Vegas last night. Really? I mean, really?? This guy isn't out of the closet yet? He may as well just be in denial about being Mexican or having killer dimples.

Unimproved: (Adjective) Not made better.

Usually puppies make everything better, but for some reason it just doesn't seem to be doing the trick here. I think in Katherine Heigl's case, the only thing that would work would be a giant eraser like in those old Looney Tunes cartoons or maybe a large, heavy safe dangling precariously over her head.

Sanity: (Noun) The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner.

The big news this morning is Joaquin Phoenix's rather, uh, uncomfortable interview on Letterman last night in which Joaquin acted like an unfrozen caveman who is frightened and confused by our world. Obviously, this begs the question once again as to whether this whole thing is an elaborate ruse that Dave Letterman himself was in on. But I don't know about that. I can't think of one good reason why anyone would act like this big of a dick on purpose, unless of course it's for a movie about gladiators or something. No. Clearly the only logical explanation here is that Joaquin Phoenix has lost his damn mind. Either that or his body has been invaded by lame aliens with a fondness for bad hip hop music and wearing sunglasses indoors.

More of Joaquin "Fire Bad!" Phoenix with Gwyneth Paltrow at the Two Lovers screening: (Editor's note: Do you love how I referenced not one but two Phil Hartman characters in this post? I am awesome.)

Pop quiz! Who is Drew Barrymore banging now? (Lainey Goss)

Catch the Inglorious Basterds trailer scrapings off of bootleg "Entertainment Tonight!" (Pajiba)

David Beckham has never looked sexier! (Celebslam)

Courtney Love is the queen of something, all right. (Yeeeah!)

Aubrey O'Day is on the cover of Playboy and it looks like they photoshopped her into a Heidi Montag illustration. (The Blemish)

America Ferrera is turning into a Katherine Heigl. Bad move, Ugly Betty. (Seriously? OMG!)

I would throw my money is a toilet before I gave it to that psycho octomom. (Celebitchy)

Scarlett Johansson wins at copying Marilyn Monroe. (Agent Bedhead)

Britney tries on Donna Reed for size. (AllieIsWired)

More fucked up details from the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident are coming out. (CelebSmack)

Jesus, does Katy Perry ever cake on that makeup. (usemycomputer)

Jennifer Aniston turns the big 4-0 today. Tick, tick, tick... (popbytes)

California Roll: (Noun) A popular form of sushi made of avocado, crabmeat, carrot, and cucumber and wrapped in vinegared rice and nori.

You know what I bet apologizing to an entire race of people you offended makes you hungry for? The food from their native land. Naturally! Presumably, that's why Miley Cyrus headed out for sushi immediately following her second apology over that racist picture.

"The irony was really hard to ignore," one diner says. "First of all, who ever heard of this place. Secondly, this was just after her apology."

"She was with (Hannah co-star) Emily Osment along a with a young man. They were enjoying sushi. They shared a few rolls, dined in. They sat at table chitchatting about nothing without a care in the world." (Source)

I get it. I really do. Personally, when I inadvertently piss of legions of Jonas Brothers fans on this very blog, it always makes me crave hot dogs. Get it? Because the Jonas brothers are a bunch of weenies! Zing! Now if you'll excuse me, I just got a hankering for a foot long with kraut and mustard.

Full Speed Ahead: (Phrase) Used to indicate that one should proceed with as much speed or energy as possible.

In Jessica Simpson Fat Watch news: Jessica Simpson wore daisy dukes to a concert in Madison, Wisconsn last week, because she's still got it, dammit! Also; still together with Tony Romo; still fatting it up all over the place.

On Saturday, the couple spent a cozy evening together at the Great Dane Pub in Madison, Wis., following Simpson's gig opening for Rascal Flatts. Security guards prevented onlookers from snapping photos, but a witness tells Page Six the two looked "very much together." Simpson didn't seem too concerned about her weight - our spy also reports she was drinking "lots of beer." (Source)

To be fair, somebody could have told her it was a brand new zero calorie beer. Once when I was in college a few of my friends and I were going out for wings at a wing bar, and our one stupid hippie vegetarian friend wanted to go so we were all like, "Suuure, you can just order the tofu wings." Long story short, she came along and then like, actually tried to order tofu wings. So yeah, that's pretty much exactly the sort of stupidity I'd expect from Jessica Simpson.

Smoke and Mirrors: (Phrase) The obscuring or embellishing of the truth of a situation with misleading or irrelevant information.

Kim Kardashian wants to help... Other girls fit into their jeans. Yes, Kim Kardasian is the latest celebrity to helm a crappy workout DVD: "Fit In Your Jeans By Friday." And how is Kim going to help girls fit into their jeans, pray tell?

"The first day was my ultra glam day! The shoot is very stylized and fashion forward. I didn't want to wear typical workout clothes," Kardashian writes on her official blog.

The fitness extravaganza also found Kardashian sweating away the pounds in American Apparel leggings matched with a Herve Leger top and a hot-pink lacy bra, and a vintage jumpsuit that "was fierce!!! I also wore knee-high Puma sneakers that were insane!" (Source)

I get it, so girls can just glam themselves into their jeans! Well that makes sense anyway, because I've actually seen Kim Kardashian fit into her jeans and it involved significantly less huffing and puffing on a treadmill and decidedly more huffing and puffing from jumping up and down to try to actually cram her ass into them. I just hope Kim's workout DVDs come with a complimentary tube of KY Jelly and a giant, ass-shaped shoehorn.

More of Big Ass Jane Fonda at a pre-Grammy party:

kthxbye: (Internet slang) Disrespectful form of quick politeness and salutation after one has served a purpose to another.

"Grey's Anatomy's" two bitchiest, bitchface stars, Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight, have finally gotten their wishes and are being released from their contracts, as confirmed by fellow Grey's co-star James Pickens Jr.

"He complains to Katherine all the time," a set source has said of Knight (with Heigl). "The energy on set will be much better when he's gone."

Sources close to the actors concur. "Katherine is ready to move on to the next chapter," says a set source. And Knight is "not shy about telling people" he wants out of his contract, another insider told Us in December. (Source)

At least I can kind of see Katherine Heigl being too big for her britches. Hell, she might even churn out another shitty romcom or two before both studios and audiences finally come to the conclusion that she's an insufferable bitch and want nothing more to do with her. But T.R. Knight? I checked his IMDB page and literally, "Grey's Anatomy" is his only major credit to date. What the hell is he in such a fucking rush for? To land that big Burger King commercial he's always dreamed of?

More of Heigl at the People's Choice awards: (What did she win, the biggest bitch award?)

Eliza Dushku is flaunting her shit all over the place these days. (GoneHollywood)

Guess what? College Humor has a show on MTV now, and it's even worse than you'd ever imagine. (Pajiba)

Hey Lily Allen! Why don't you try ... Pants! (Yeeeah!)

The Michael Phelps bong witch hunt is in full effect. (The Blemish)

OMG GROSS. (Seriously? OMG!)

Just cram it, Scarlett. You just keep that shit to yourself why don't you. (Celebitchy)

The Elle Style Awards were last night... "Style" being a relative term. (Ayyyy!)

Paula Abdul looks like a cross between the Mad Hatter and a dominatrix. (cityrag)

Rihanna's injuries were apparently pretty extensive from that scumbag. (CelebWarship)

Hey, remember Nick Lachey? He done got himself a job! (BricksAndStones)

Whitney Houston and Ray J? This is not a good idea. (POTP)

Bar Refaeli is Sports Illustrated's new cover girl. (Popoholic)

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian is trying to lose the ugly duckling. (IDWYL)

Wholesome: (Adjective) Conducive to or promoting moral well-being.

In light of him beating the holy hell out of poor Rihanna, Chris Brown is not surprisingly being dropped from all of his product endorsements, including the "Got Milk?" campaign.

"The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously," a company rep tells Usmagazine.com. "We are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens. Mr. Brown's ad was launched last fall and is scheduled to end this week." (Source)

Well, on the upside, in the future, if Olde English 800 ever decides to launch a "Got Foam?" campaign; I bet that they'll be just a little bit less discriminating when it comes to celebrity endorsements. It's just like they say, when one door closes, another opens. Kind of like the door to a Hummer limousine closing and the door to a jail cell opening. I guess those doors are less metaphorical, though.

Psycho: (Noun) A psychopath.

Most of us know that Sharon Stone, who was most recently dating a 24-year-old, is clearly insane by now. But apparently Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel didn't get the memo, because when Stone was flirting with him at the BAFTA awards this past Sunday he was flattered and not horrifically repulsed.

He says, "Sharon's great, she's been flirting with me all night. She was chasing me around earlier, slapping me. Sharon Stone! Can you believe it?" (Source)

A 50-year-old woman chasing around an 18-year-old and slapping him? Yes, I can believe it was Sharon Stone. In fact, if it wasn't Sharon Stone, the only other options I can think of would be Madonna or the actual mother of an 18-year-old whose son got busted trying to buy a keg with a fake ID.

Grams McCrazypants at the BAFTAs:













Dev Patel and his costar Freida Pinto at the BAFTAs:

Yummy: (Adjective) Very pleasing to the senses, esp. to the taste; delicious.

Apropos of nothing, here are photos of one of my pretend boyfriends Jared Padalecki at the premiere of Friday the 13th, because he's pretty and I like him. And if you were wondering -- because, I'm sure you are -- yes, my real boyfriend is more than comfortable with my pretend relationships with Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. He understands that he has a very special place in my heart too, but my heart is just too big to contain just one person alone. I can't help that. See now, if the men who got taken on Maury were that eloquent, I bet their girlfriends and wives would be a lot less mad at them.

Purpose: (Verb) Have as one's intention or objective.

In a new interview, Joaquin Phoenix talks more about his new career as a hip-hop artist, which sadly is now looking to be 100% genuine. In the same interview, Joaquin also talks about his new, um, "look." Or non-look, whatever.

"I'm not going with a look. Part of it is in some ways, it's very hard, especially when you're talking about music, to get away from Johnny Cash," Phoenix said. "In some ways, I'm aware that I need to kind of, I need to alter that persona. I need to alter my public persona in some ways so that people are going to be open to receiving me for what it is that I'm doing now ...

"I don't know that this is my look," Phoenix said. "I mean, I just have a beard." (Source)

It's not just a beard. There's also a fair amount of clothing torn around the crotch area and a bit of the old alcoholism bloat going on. If that's not a look, then tell that to the guy who panhandles outside the liquor store a few blocks away from me in West Philly. I hear he likes to refer to it as the "savvy vagabond," personally.

Sorrier: (Adjective) Feeling even more regret or penitence.

After her totally half-assed apology last week that only pissed people off more, Miley Cyrus has issued yet another apology over her racist picture. Not because she's actually sorry, mind you, but because everyone is really pissed off at her.

"I want to thank all of my fans for their support not only this week, but always! I really wanted to stress how sorry I am if the photo of me with my friends offended anyone. I have learned a valuable lesson from this and know that sometimes my actions can be unintentionally hurtful. I know everything is a part of GOD’s ultimate plan, and mistakes happen so that eventually I will become the woman he aspires me to be. Peace and love, Miles" (Source)

I love how whenever any of these little redneck poptards get out of line they can always just throw God's name around like it's some kind of trump card or something. Like it's God's plan for Miley Cyrus to act like such an indignant underage whore all the time. If that's the case, than God is probably also the same sort of guy who would have his computer confiscated at the Best Buy when he takes it in for service.

More of Saint Miley and the infinitely more talented Taylor Swift at the Grammys:

The trailer for Seth Rogen's new movie is spectacularly crude and hilarious. (Pajiba)

Eww... Photographic evidence of somebody kissing an Olsen. (IBBB)

The fact that people like Paris Hilton and Brooke Hogan show up at awards shows like the Grammys never fails to boggle the mind. (Yeeeah!)

Subway is not dropping Michael Phelps. Hell, weed is probably one of the main reasons people eat that nasty shit. (The Blemish)

Travis Barker and those other two guys are finally back together. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson might be together, because clearly Owen Wilson is a glutton for punishment. (Celebitchy)

K Fed is still large and in charge! (Celebslam)

Why the hell did Taylor Swift lower herself to Miley Cyrus? (Lainey Goss)

Oh, and in other Miley news: yup, still annoying! (AllieIsWired)

Courtney Love is still dressing like a homeless person. (CelebSmack)

Kylie Minogue doesn't even look human anymore. (usemycomputer)

A bunch of kids came down with a nasty case of Bible Vision. (omg blog)

Perceptive: (Adjective) Having or showing sensitive insight.

God, Kim Kardashian is dumb. Like, dumb as a box of hair dumb. While the entire world is still wrapping our heads around the fact that Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, she said this:

I am in shock Rihanna and Chris canceled on this year’s Grammy show! I was SO looking forward to seeing both of them. They were essentially going to be the prom queen and king this year! (Source)

Even though Kim's complete and utter lack of tact is astounding, she does kind of have a point. Because you know it was always those smarmy, popular quarterbacks who were always whaling on their dumb cheerleader girlfriends back in high school. But it's not something you talk about in polite company. Kind of like Grandma's alcoholism.

More of Dumbshit McBigButt at the Grammy's:

Homely: (Adjective) Of a person unattractive in appearance.

I was going to post these pictures of Katy Perry to comment of that ridiculous sheepskin rug she's got draped on herself, but then as I got to looking at the pictures something occurred to me. Katy Perry is just not very attractive. Maybe it's because her makeup is making her face look like a Barbie Styling Head, but she's just kinda... Fug. So now more than ever, I'm wondering what is the point of Katy Perry. She isn't good at singing, her music blows, she's annoying and now she's not even pretty.

Redundant: (Adjective) Not strictly necessary to functioning but included in case of failure in another component.

Madonna's much heard about photoshoot for W magazine, at which she apparently met her new boy toy Jesus Luz, finally came out. Predictably, it features the usual assortment of Madonna photoshopped within an inch of her life and a mostly naked Jesus presumably there to draw the eye away from the old Madonna. We still don't know much about the elusive, 22-year-old Jesus Luz, but if you're wondering about the character of a man who was able to win the heart of Madonna, he has his own name tattooed on his back. So... You know, clearly he has a dick the size of Heather Mills' prosthetic leg.

Tons more photos below. I like the ones where Madonna has her back to the camera the best.

Abuser: (Noun) Someone who assaults another person, esp. a woman or child.

Sorry for the late start today, guys. I was out late at a bangin' Grammy party last night. Kidding! I'm feeling under the weather and I'm having car problems. Double whammy. And speaking of whammys, what the fuck happened with Chris Brown and Rihanna this weekend? Apparently he beat the crap out of her or something.

Police confirmed late Sunday that an unidentified woman phoned 911 and claimed she got into a fight with the singer and he attacked her. Police say the woman had visible injuries.

When officers arrived, they found the victim, but Brown had already left the scene, police say. Both Brown and Rihanna pulled out of Sunday's Grammy Awards at the last minute. (Source)

I don't really know anything about Chris Brown because I'm painfully out of touch with The MTV and what the kids are listening to these days. But I'm guessing he's some kind of rapper, which will make this the single most biggest scandal to hit the rap community since last Tuesday.

The couple at a Grammy pre-party immediately before the incident took place:

MTV's show about the mentally disabled reporters is not as horribly exploitative as you'd think.(Pajiba)

Christina Hendricks has got ample, heaving, voluptuous talent. (The Blemish)

Poor Michael Phelps has had his Wheaties box revoked. (Yeeeah!)

Hayden Panettiere, whose name I will never learn to spell as long as I live, is cheating on Milo Whatshisface, whose name I also will never learn to spell. (Celebslam)

Christian Bale rant set pics: Before and after. (Seriously? OMG!)

Because we can't go a day without Paris Hilton news: Paris is an attention whore. Surprise! (Celebitchy)

Hollywood has officially run out of fucking ideas. (Agent Bedhead)

A-mazing. David Hasselhoff stars in a new music video: "Don't Hassle the Hoff." (AllieIsWired)

Renee Zellweger gets double-teamed by transvestites. (CelebSmack)

Pics of Lindsay Lohan at the ESPN Superbowl party. (usemycomputer)

Jennifer Aniston is sticking to the formula again. (Lainey Goss)

Check out I'm Bringing Blogging Back's slick new site and watch Oregon Trail predict the death of "The Hills" cast members while you're at it! (IBBB)

Regrets: (Noun) a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something.

During a radio interview this morning, Christian Bale publicly apologized for the above tirade in which he brutally rips apart a cinematographer on the set of Terminator. The incident actually took place last summer, but I guess he's apologizing now because now people found out about it.

"I have no confusion whatsoever -- I was out of order, beyond belief," Bale, 35, said Friday on "The Kevin & Bean Show" on L.A.'s KROQ 106.7.

"I acted like a punk. I regret that," he said. "There is nobody who has heard that tape that has been hit harder by it than me. It is inexcusable." (Source)

Yeah. Nobody was hit harder than Christian Bale. Except, you know, the dry cleaner who lost his pants this morning. Zing!!!!!

More of Fuckidy Fuck Fuck at the Good Temper Awards DGA Awards last week:

Disasterbacle: (Noun) A disaster of epic proportions; an ignominious failure.

Jessica Simpson had an "off night" performing a show in Grand Rapids Michigan last night. And by "off night" I mean she more or less constantly fucked up, forgot her own lyrics and ended up running offstage in tears.

"Jessica had an off night," Cindi Berger, a representative for Simpson, said Friday. "She's a perfectionist, and wanted to start some of the songs over. She always wants to give her best performance to her fans."

Simpson apologized to the supportive audience of about 9,000 by mouthing the word "sorry" on two large video screens. (Source)

I'm a perfectionist, too. But for some strange reason, when a cop asks you to close your eyes and walk in a straight line, they don't appreciate you asking if you can start over. I guess Jessica Simpson could really teach the Philadelphia police department a little something about the concept of perfectionism.

More of Miss Perfectionist at an airport earlier this week with -- gasp!!! -- no makeup!

Turn Off: (Phrase) To induce a feeling of boredom or disgust in someone.

Drew Barrymore hasn't had any boyfriends since she and The Mac Guy broke up, and she thinks it might have something to do with her ridiculously lame ass tongue ring that she got from the year 1998.

She revealed on ELLEN DEGENERES’ chatshow: “I have had it for nine months, I got it and I have been single ever since. I don’t know what the deal is with that. “I luckily did it for myself. I had always wanted to get one.” (Source)

Drew, honey? There's a reason why the only people today that have tongue rings are strippers and you. And I think in this day and age, it's literally more socially acceptable to actually have an actual stripper pole in your house than to have a tongue ring.

More of Drew at the He's Just Not Into You (because of your stupid dress and a tongue ring) premiere:

Kidding: (Verb) Deceive someone in a playful or teasing way.

Remember how Etta James said that she "couldn't stand" Beyonce and that she was going to "get her ass whupped" during a concert in Seattle last week? (Listen here.) Just kidding! She didn't really mean it. Or did she? (Yes.)

"I didn't really mean anything," James said. "Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude. ... That's probably what went into it."

Still, James acknowledged being miffed she wasn't invited to perform her signature song for Obama's first dance with his wife on inauguration night. James said she was "feeling left out of something that was basically mine, that I had done every time you look around."

She said she liked Beyoncé's performance, but when asked if she thought she could have done better, James answered, "I think so. That's a shame to say that." (Source)

See now, that's what separates a garden variety diva like Beyonce from a real diva like Etta James: the ability to apologize and insult someone at the same time. And that's why Etta James has chunks of diva in her stool bigger than Beyonce. Or was that corn? Either way, Etta: 2; Beyonce: 0.

More of that dirty Beyonce stealing Ms. James' glory at the inauguration:

An open letter to Drew Barrymore. (CelebWarship)

Here's the trailer for the Donnie Darko straight to DVD sequel, if you need something to be pissed off about today. (Pajiba)

Vanessa Hudgens is looking a little "beardey," and not in the usual way. (Yeeeah!)

Today is everybody still hates Paris Hilton news... (The Blemish)

Jensen Ackles had a guest appearance on "Wishbone!!" Hee!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

Is Ryan Gosling banging Natalie Portman these days? (Celebitchy)

What the hell is Mickey Rourke wearing?! (Best Week Ever)

The Pussycat Dolls wear clothing; are barely recognizable. (Ayyyy!)

Britney Spears is still rocking the Uggs/shorts look in 2009. (cityrag)

Oh big wow, somebody in a boy band turns out to be gay. Amazing. (BricksAndStones)

Etta James wants to put that bitch Beyoance in the ground. (POTP)

Dustin Hoffman doesn't like what he's seeing. (GoneHollywood)

Even more smoking hot Eliza Dushku "Dollhouse" promo pics. (Popoholic)

Sorry: (Adjective) Used as an expression of apology; feeling regret or penitence.

Miley Cyrus has finally come out and apologized for the photo of her making racist Asian gestures with her friends that surfaced on the internet earlier this week. Well, not an apology in that she expresses regret or admits to any kind of wrongdoing whatsoever, but you know what I mean.

"I've also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I'm sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!"

"In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy?" she adds. "It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of [sic] been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new 'BAD GIRL'!"

Cyrus continues: "I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way! (Source)

If there's one important characteristic of a young adult, it's the ability to take responsibility for your actions and use your mistakes to grow as a person. And then there's Miley Cyrus, who will someday tell the cops that she didn't see them chasing behind her for ten miles down the highway and that medication is for her back pain. Obviously.

Unscrupulous: (Adjective) Having or showing no moral principles; not honest or fair.

If you didn't think Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could possibly sink lower than a fake wedding, just wait until you hear about their fake divorce!

"Spencer is masterminding the whole thing right now," says a source. "He'll make sure people see him going in and out of a lawyer's office. Then he'll stage fake fights with Heidi for the cameras and talk on the show about getting married too young and pretend he's really conflicted."

"Spencer will push this as far as he can, but it will all be 100 percent fake. He loves Heidi and will never let her go," says the source, who adds, "They're just always looking for a way to out-drama Lauren Conrad. It's their No. 1 goal in life!" (Source)

That's the saddest #1 goal in life I've ever heard. Even sadder than old ladies who's #1 goal in life is to collect every Precious Moments figure that exists or my #1 goal in life to someday kick Spencer Pratt in the nutsack.

More of Shit Mouth and Plastic Head being (what else?) fucking annoying at a 99 cents store:

Cool: (Adjective) Fashionably attractive or impressive.

Did you know that Kristen Stewart smokes pot? Because Kristen Stewart really wants you to know that she smokes pot. Because if she didn't smoke pot, she sure as heck wouldn't advertise it on her tits, that's for sure.

This reminds me of a story. When I was in high school, my neighbor who was a total Milhouse a few years younger than me showed up to school one day wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt with a pot leaf in the middle of it. Like, this kid was a boy scout and everything. I think to this day he's probably a scout leader somewhere. Anyway, we all made fun of him for having a pot leaf on his shirt and he said he got it from a Renaissance Fair that his mom took him to, and that she said that it was an "herb." And we were like, yeah it's an herb all right. Anyway, long story short he got sent home from school for wearing it and we all laughed and laughed and laughed. The end. Moral of the story? Kristen Stewart is the lamest person I've ever seen wearing weed apparel.

Hey look, I'm stoned, like, all the time. Get it?:

Bitter: (Adjective) Angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences.

Whenever I see pictures of Madonna's daughter Lourdes lately, I can't help noticing what a knockout she's turning into. Apparently I'm not the only one, because Madonna has also taken notice. No, not like that. Gross. I mean she's jealous as shit of her.

"I think Madonna can't stand that Lourdes is growing into a beautiful teen," a source tells OK! of the 50-year-old singer. "She seems envious of her youth and looks. She knows Lourdes is going to be gorgeous and will get the attention of the opposite sex. Knowing Madonna's taste for younger guys, it's a matter of course that they'll be dating men the same age. It's disturbing." (Source)

Yup, I've seen this story play out all too many times, and it's not pretty. That's because it usually involves seven dwarves and a poison apple. My advice to Lourdes is to run.

The fairest of them all in NYC last summer:

Guess the tranny! (Lainey Goss)

Here is a heartwarming little trailer about a guy who ejaculates fire. (Pajiba)

Britney Spears is suffering panic attacks over her "Circus" tour. Because it's not like I just didn't predict this yesterday or anything. (Yeeeah!)

A bunch of kids got arrested for beating the motherloving hell out of Lily Allen with snowballs. (The Blemish)

What?! Bette Midler and John Stamos? (Seriously? OMG!)

Jennifer Aniston said that she still has phone messages saved from Brad Pitt. Well, of course she does. (Celebitchy)

Somebody broke into Paris Hilton's gmail and started sending messages to people. I've got to use this excuse next time I use the internet drunk. (Celebslam)

Everyone still hates Sugar Ray! (Agent Bedhead)

Michael Phelps, American hero, might get charged for the bong photo. (CelebSmack)

Amy Adams looks fantastic in turquoise. (usemycomputer)

What's Demi Moore's secret to looking good? Besides baby seal lotion? (popbytes)

Nerdgasm: (Noun) The result of a nerd's sensory overload or overstimulation.

Here is Chewbacca mauling Kristen Bell at the premiere of Fanboys. That's right, Chewbacca and Kristen Bell. So pretty much, the only way this could be more like nerd porn is if a scantily-clad Cylon came to the door delivering a pizza.

Pass: (Verb) Forgo one's turn in a game or an offered opportunity.

Tom Cruise was spotted out in Brazil yesterday with no shirt on, sparking chatter about the return to his former ripped appearance. Yeah, I guess he looks alright and everything, but he doesn't do anything for me. Maybe like ten or fifteen years ago before the crazy set in, but these days I wouldn't eff him with somebody else's vagina. Or somebody else's 15-inch vibrating strap-on, anyway.

Outmatched: (Verb) Be superior to an opponent or rival.

I would have never believed this if I didn't read it with my own eyes, but Oscar-winning actress Faye Dunaway and "Lizzie McGuire" star Hilary Duff seem to be embroiled in a feud together. Dunaway was seemingly unhappy with Duff's casting in Bonnie and Clyde, clearly having failed to understand that Hollywood wants to shit on the remake rather than do it justice.

Dunaway, 68, who starred with Warren Beatty in the 1967 original, was quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times January 28th as having said, "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?"

Now Duff, asked by E! about Dunaway's supposed comments, has responded by insulting her appearance. "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too." (Source)

Wrong answer. In fact, I think any answer that didn't express overwhelming flattery and gratitude for Faye Dunaway even knowing who the fuck Hilary Duff is in the first place would have been the wrong answer. I would, however, have accepted, "I'll just be in my stall now."

More of The Horse's Mouth on vacation in the Bahamas last month:

Serious: (Adjective) Acting or speaking sincerely and in earnest, rather than in a joking or halfhearted manner.

Since Joaquin Phoenix made his rapping "debut," many have been speculating as to the authenticity of his so-called career change. Mostly because it's just too fucking awful to actually be real. I mean: Really?? However, not so, says Phoenix.

"I had a lot of dudes come up and say, `We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it,'" he tells AP. "Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it's hard, it's going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me." (Source)

I'm not going to be lining up to make fun of him. If this were all just a big joke he were playing on the media, I'd probably call him a dickhole and compare him to other renowned douchebags like John Mayer and Pete Wentz who think that they are just so outrageously hilarious for their oh-so clever manipulation on the media. Joaquin Phoenix, on the other hand, clearly has a severe mental handicap. And if there's one thing I don't do around here is make fun of retards.* It's a little something I like to call "standards."

*Not counting Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson.

Ha fucking ha! Joe Francis is back in jail! (Celebitchy)

Megan Fox has got something on her ass. (Popoholic)

Elizabeth Banks is slumming it in The Uninvited. (Pajiba)

Christian Bale to enter anger management rehab any day now. (Yeeeah!)

They're letting that dumb asshole Nick Hogan drive again. (The Blemish)

Ahaha!!! David Boreanaz on "Married with Children!" (Seriously? OMG!)

It looks like Nicole Richie is back to being anorexic again. (Ayyyy!)

Nick Nolte is rocking his crazy DUI hair again. (cityrag)

Katy Perry even sucks at being passive aggressive. (CelebWarship)

"The City" tried to stage a fistfight between two chicks. (BricksAndStones)

Ed Westwick is officially dating one of those other "Gossip Girl" people. (POTP)

Here are the 17 best Superbowl ads you didn't see if, like me, you think football is gay. (ScreenJunkies)

Backup: (Noun) A person or thing that can be called on if necessary; a reserve.

Good news for Jennifer Aniston! If John Mayer doesn't want to settle down with her, there's someone else who will! And he wants to rock her world.

If things don’t work out with Mayer, Aniston has a second singing suitor waiting in the wings: “Rock of Love” bad boy Bret Michaels.

“Bret is really crushing on Jen,” a pal of Michaels confides. “He says she’s the kind of girl you can have a good time with, but can still take home to Mom.” (Source)

God. That's like the same exact thing he says on "Rock of Love." I swear, Bret Michaels is the most uncreative person ever. It amazes me that he wrote "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on his own and even that is like the most redundant song ever. Anyway, I think he's out of luck this time because last time I checked Jennifer Aniston was just desperate, not outright fucking suicidal.

More of Fat Arms McGruff playing at the Palms last week:

Obsession: (Noun) The state of being obsessed with someone or something.

It used to be that every time I posted about Heidi and Spencer you guys would do nothing but complain and I would say I was driven by an unstoppable compulsion and couldn't help it.* Well, just so you know I'm not the only one, because Bill Gedde, executive producer of "The View," apparently felt so strongly that he actually booked them on the show.

"This is my personal obsession," Geddie said. "I can't get enough Heidi and Spencer. I must tell you, the women are not exactly in my court on this. I hear: 'Why are you booking them again?' And I say, 'There's something about them that sort of encapsulates the age we live in.' " (Source)

See? Heidi and Spencer? Officially fascinating. The producer man says so. Well either fascinating or some kind of ancient demons using mind control to infiltrate our society from the inside out. Which would actually kind of make sense because when you think about it they're actually kind of... Not fascinating. I guess that would also explain the whole "dead behind the eyes" thing, too.

(* Editor's note: You don't complain anymore which means you've either gotten used to it or have stopped reading. I hope it's the first one.)

Frick and Frack trying to catch flies at some Ultimate Fighting thing last week:

Pandemonium: (Noun) Wild and noisy disorder or confusion; uproar.

Despite recent rumors that Britney Spears' "Circus" tour was in jeopardy, word in from official Britney Headquarters is that not only is it definitely happening, but her kids will be joining her for the duration. Additionally, the tour is going to simulate a -- wait for it -- circus!

According to tour designer Jamie King, "Britney and I are really excited to conceptualize her Circus tour. We've taken the idea of a traditional 'big-top circus' and given it a Britney Spears twist. This circus is unlike anything you've ever seen before. It's sexy, fun, explosive, and full of surprises. (Source)

Well that sounds like a good environment for young children and a recovering mental patient. I'm assuming these "surprises" will include Britney cracking under extreme pressure halfway through the tour and holding Sean Preston hostage on a tightrope platform. Surprise!

More Brit in various stages of rehearsal:

Compassionate: (Adjective) Feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.

Hey, if all it takes to hang with Miley and her crew is the ability to withstand merciless racial taunting, where do I sign up? Of course, since I'm white, I guess I don't really have anything to bring to the table. It looks like they're missing a black person though, so if anyone out there meeting the criteria doesn't mind having a bunch of white kids waving fried chicken in your face while smushing their down noses, please inquire within!

More of Miley wearing an "ironic" T-shirt, as if the concept isn't totally lost on her:

Rivalry: (Noun) Competition for the same objective or for superiority in the same field.

He's Just Not Into You premiered last night, a movie which I'm assuming is about women who are stereotypically needy, whiny and clueless and just happens to star Jennifer Aniston, which is not a coincidence whatsoever I swear. At any rate, the five female leads apparently decided to have a contest to see who could wear the ugliest outfit to the premiere. Jennifer Aniston made an admirable attempt with her skanky pantsuit that looks like it came from Dress Barn; (and which is also so obviously trying to one-up Angelina Jolie) and Jennifer Connelly nearly stole the show with her professional ice skater competition dress. And I can't overlook Drew Barrymore's saggy boob sock. But ultimately, I have to crown Scarlett Johansson the winner. Not just because her dress looks like an old person's beach cover up with a throw-uppy menagerie of colors, but because it also looks like she dyed her hair herself with a box of Feria she picked up at CVS the night before. See? The devil really is in the details!

MK Olsen looks more terrifying than usual on the cover of Fashion magazine. (Lainey)

Hef's new twins are wearing body paint. Again. Sigh. (The Blemish)

If you didn't see New In Town this weekend, it's probably because it sucked and nobody did. Here's why! (Pajiba)

Is Hillary Swank hot? (usemycomputer)

What the F is Lily Allen wearing? (Yeeeah!)

Hop in the way back machine to see Matt LeBlanc shill for Heinz. Coming soon, Matt LeBlanc shilling for Heinz. (Seriously? OMG!)

Obama got bumped for Jessica Simpson Fat Watch. (Celebitchy)

And in other Jessica Simpson Fat Watch news, Jessica Simpson learns that layers are a girl's best friend. (popbytes)

It's because of incidents like this that no one feels sorry for Lindsay Lohan. (Celebslam)

Pam Anderson: Cocaine Monster. (Celeb Smack)

Attention "90210" fans! Silly Putty Face is finally back as Donna Martin! (IBBB)

Contrived: (Verb) Create or bring about by deliberate use of skill and artifice.

Tom Cruise took Katie and Suri down to Rio de Janeiro for a little family vacation constitutional this weekend. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say family vacation? Because what I meant was elaborate image-repairing PR photoshoot stunt. Considering that no matter where the three went, they just seemed to have photographers following them that they were all too happy to smile and wave at. "Oh hey, look at me, Mr. Joe Normal who doesn't manhandle my wife like a sack of potatoes! In fact, I can even use this free hand that I'm not using to forcibly drag her around to wave at you good people!" I'm just amazed that Suri was able to restrain herself from rolling her eyes in each photo.

Boy Toy: (Noun) A young man who offers himself as a sex object for women.

In other news, Madonna is still banging her pet model, Jesus Luz. The two were seen in New York City's meatpacking district this weekend, supposedly while celebrating Jesus' 22nd birthday. So what is a reasonably attractive 22-year-old getting out of "servicing" a dried up old piece of jerky like Madonna?

Since being linked to Madonna, it's perhaps no surprise Jesus's modeling career has been given a huge boost.

His former agent Sergios Mattos, who runs 40 Graus Models, told the New York Post that Jesus stopped taking his calls after meeting Madonna and has now signed to the more high-profile Ford Models. (Source)

So incredible fame and fortune and all you have to do is help Madonna exercise the ol' kegels now and then? Well to be fair, I guess Satan just isn't buying up souls as much these days, with the economy the way it is.

Outbreak: (Noun) The sudden start of something unwelcome, such as war, disease, etc.

The fatdemic currently plaguing Hollywood triggered by Jessica Simpson was exacerbated this weekend when Jack Black was photographed on vacation in Mexico -- get this -- looking fat. President Obama has yet to comment on this latest development and no word what effect, if any, this will have on the economy. However, if this alarming trend keeps up all the Starbucks in L.A. could soon be replaced by Krispy Cremes and The Ivy will have to start serving peanut butter bacon cheeseburger sliders.  

Role Model: (Noun) A person looked to by others as an example to be imitated.

14-time Olympic Gold Medal winner Michael "Face of Butter" Phelps has issued a public apology after News of the World published a photo of him smoking marijuana out of what the kids today refer to as a "bong."

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," the all-time Olympic swimming champ said Sunday in a statement released by his marketing agency, Octagon. "I'm 23 years old, and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again." (Source)

Damn straight it better not happen again. From what the anti-drug commercials have led me to believe, if he continues down this dark path of smoking weed he could literally end up killing his own grandmother. Well, either that or forgetting her birthday. I can't remember which.

More of Face of Butter enjoying some good clean fun at South Beach last month: