Gather round the Christmas turd log and catch up on a holiday classic: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (Pajiba)

Tori Spelling and Audrina Patridge: Adventures in Cosmetic Surgery. (BricksAndStones)

EWWWW! Katie Holmes looks like she went carpet diving on Paris Hilton! (Yeeeah!)

Ashlee and Pete can't give away their stupid little baby. (The Blemish)

You could not pay me $25 grand to spend four fucking days on a boat with John Mayer. (Seriously? OMG!)

Amy Winehouse's Blakey got his ass handed to him in prison. (Celebitchy)

Carmen Electra classes up the joint in her latest Playboy photoshoot. (Best Week Ever)

What fucking female celebrity hasn't tried to be Marilyn Monroe at some point? (Ayyyy!)

Hooray for fart humor! (cityrag)

Get the full list of Golden Globe nominations here! (CelebWarship)

This is coming dangerously close to making me see Lisa Rinna's boobage. (HQ Celeb)

And now, the thrilling conclusion of "Hilary Duff Walks Through A Parking Lot." (usemycomputer)

Here is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Guide to Picking Up Women. (GossipGirls)