You want your MTV? Well you don't get to fucking have it anymore. Howdya like that? Everybody thank Time Warner. (Pajiba)

Matt Dillon got arrested for doing 106 in a Someplace That Wasn't The Autobahn Zone. (Yeeeah!)

Lily Allen is topless again. Seriously, is that a British thing? Because I should like, move there. How freeing it must be! (The Blemish)

Did somebody say "Johnny Depp's bare ass in 1985?!" Oh, goody!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

What's this? A modicum of respect for that Twilight asshat? NOOO! Fight it, Stacey, Fight it! (Celebitchy)

I remember when I first saw these photos of Ashlee Simpson in a bikini last year I was all, "She's totally not pregnant." Oh, the egg on my face!* (Celebslam)

Scarlett Johansson is the latest starlet to complain about being a sex symbol. (Agent Bedhead)

*Editor's note: What am I doing with my life?

Empty: (Adjective) Containing nothing; not filled or occupied.

Breaking news, everybody! Mariah Carey is not pregnant! I repeat, not pregnant. She was reportedly seen in St. Bart's yesterday wearing a bikini, drinking red wine and eating oysters. Looking back, the only reason I can think of for the rumors starting is that Mariah Carey was wearing more clothes covering her body than usual. But then again, it's also been wintertime. So... Give her a few months and she'll be back to wearing midriff shirts again like they didn't ever go out of style twenty years ago!

More of Mariah in some bizarre Austin Powers get-up at the Grammy nominations concert earlier this month:

Nonprofit: (Adjective) Not making or conducted primarily to make a profit.

Last night "Dexter's" Julie Benz hosted a charity dinner to benefit the U.S. Campaign for Burma. I think it's really great to see celebrities involving themselves in charitable causes like this. So much so, that I suddenly feel inspired to start my own charity: The Julie Benz Hunger Relief Fund. For just dollars a day, you too can sponsor your very own Julie Benz. Your charitable donation will go towards providing Julie Benz with rice, protein and other basic nutrients important for sustaining human life. You'll also get a special opportunity to see a picture of your Julie Benz and even correspond with her! Get involved today!

Sucker: (Noun) A gullible or easily deceived person.

Dane Cook's brother and business manager, Darryl McCauley, has been arrested for allegedly stealing millions of dollars from the douchemedian over the past year and a half.

Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley, who would only confirm that the alleged victim was a nationally known entertainer, says McCauley transferred money from his client's account into his own without permission, at one point forging a $3 million check. (Source)

Jesus. I knew Dane Cook was an dickhole, but what kind of dickhole goes and gets his own flesh and blood arrested? If I were Dane Cook's older brother, I'd punch him in the kidneys until he thanked me for taking that money and then finish up with a rousing game of "Why Are You Hitting Yourself?"

Instinct: (Noun) A natural or intuitive way of acting or thinking.

Paris Hilton arrived in Melbourne, Australia a couple days ago to host a New Year's Eve event, and has already angered locals by spending an "obscene" amount of money -- over $5000 (approximately $140 per minute) at one boutique.

World Vision Australia chief Tim Costello said Hilton's spree would have been enough to feed a Third World village. "In World Vision terms, $5000 would ensure that a village of 2000 people in Africa or Asia would have clean water for the rest of their lives," Mr Costello said.

Open Family social worker Les Twentyman said Hilton's spree was disgraceful. "It is quite obscene spending money like that. Some people are homeless and thousands of people a week are losing their jobs and it is quite obscene in some ways," Mr Twentyman said. (Source)

I guess, in theory I can understand why they're pissed... But this is Paris Hilton we're talking about. What did they expect? The local high-end boutiques not to look as though they had been ravaged by locusts after she leaves town? That's like getting mad at my dog for eating out of the litter box again. The dog knows I'm mad at her for something because I'm yelling, but doesn't understand why. When it comes down to it, they're just dumb animals. They just don't have the kind of highly functioning brains to understand the nuanced concepts of right and wrong.

Forbidden Planet is the next film on the chopping block for a bloated, crappy Hollywood remake. (Pajiba)

If Mariah Carey's tits see their shadow it means six more weeks of winter. (HQ Celeb)

Paris Hilton got some fresh herpes sores for Christmas. The gift that keeps on giving!  (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie's uterus has been shut down by the board of health. (The Blemish)

Miley Cyrus hosts an 80's themed party. Was Miley Cyrus even alive in the 80's? Shut up, Miley. (Seriously? OMG!)

Britney Spears has a "type." Well, dancers, obviously. What, did you think I meant that other thing? (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan marvels at the concept of underpants. (Ayyyy!)

It's like all the moves of Beyonce without any of the bitch craziness. (cityrag)

Lindsay Lohan's psycho dad finally decided to cut the middle man and start his own batshit insane blog. (omg blog)

Threat: (Noun) A person or thing likely to cause damage or danger.

The New York City police force are running scared, and plan to take extra precautions this New Year's Eve. Why, you ask? Because of terrorism? Rioting? Zombies? Nope, because of these three penises.

The New York Police Department - which has heroically handled terrorist attacks, blackouts and riots without a whimper - is being cautious over the "mob scene" that could result when the Jonas Brothers perform in Times Square at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest on Wednesday night.

According to a source, police officials fessed up to their concerns in a recent meeting with producers of the show. "So they're now planning on using extra [security] men for support," the source says. "It's going to be crazy because everyone will be in Times Square to watch them perform on the show." (Source)

I honestly have no idea what they're so worried about. As far as I know, no one over the age of thirteen listens to The Jonas Brothers -- and how much damage could a bunch of thirteen year old girls possibly do? Unless of course, Godzilla is actually still only thirteen in prehistoric mutant reptile years... In which case I'd say, "Houston, we have a problem."

Anniversorry: (Noun) The date on which a sad event took place in a previous year.

Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley celebrated their first wedding anniversary at Matushisa in West Hollywood earlier this week, and can I just say that I still do not get this? It's like looking at pictures of a guy cuddling with a poisonous cobra or a giant spider or something. Yeeeesch. The only way I can even begin to explain it is that Katherine Heigl is some kind of evil witch who is keeping Josh Kelley's balls hidden away in an enchanted crystal vessel in a castle somewhere.

Jackpot: (Noun) A large cash prize in a game or lottery.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson, both 18, welcomed their son this weekend, the 7 lb., 7 oz. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston; and already reports are coming in that the two could earn up to $300 grand for exclusive photos of the little bastard.

According to one source, bidding for the baby photos began at $100,000. People won out in the end, but In Touch was the only other weekly to make serious bids, according to several sources involved in the process.

“The bidding started well before the baby was born, but once Levi’s mom was arrested — well, then you had a story,” says one editor. (Source)

Well, on the upside, that money could be used to start a nice college fund... For Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. Hahahaha. Oh, I kid; I kid. Like those two would ever actually go to college.

Ugh: (Exclamation) Used to express disgust or horror.

Drew Barrymore and Jason Segel were reportedly seen "kissing and touching" each other over karaoke at the Brass Monkey Bar in L.A. on Saturday night. I feel two ways about this. On one hand, I really, really like Jason Segel. On the other hand, I completely effing loathe Drew Barrymore. No wait, I guess that's kind of the same hand. Seriously, I do not want this to happen whatsoever. There's a reason Drew Barrymore is usually connected with men like Tom Green and The Mac Guy. It's because Drew Barrymore sucks ungodly amounts of ass. She very well may even be the first celebrity I've ever actively hated. In fact, you could even say she turned me on to hating celebrities in general. Although, maybe I should even thank her for that. And by "thank her" I mean kick her in the vagina.

More of Drew wearing Ray-Bans and a Maiden shirt recently, because she's cool like that: Get it? No? Well neither do I.

Caught up on your holiday movies this year? Here's the crap you missed: Benjamin Button, (Pajiba) Marley & Me, (Pajiba) That Nazi Movie, (Pajiba) & The Spirit. (Pajiba)

Katy Perry spent the holidays at the beach in Mexico in a stupid hat and bikini. Whatever keeps her mouth mercifully shut is fine by me. (Yeeeah!)

Looks like Chyna's visit to Celebrity Rehab didn't exactly "take." (The Blemish)

Everyone is just dying to see how J Lo and Marc Anthony will announce their divorce! I'm on the edge of my seat, personally. (Seriously? OMG!)

Guess who still hates Heather Mills? That's right, everybody! (Celebitchy)

Salma Hayek's daughter is impervious to second hand smoke; is also adorable. (Celebslam)

Does anyone actually care enough about Tom and Katie to make death threats? That Suri on the other hand, she is a force to be reckoned with. (Agent Bedhead)

Remember when everyone thought Prince William was the hot one? (CelebSmack)

I don't know who Roxanne McKee is, but I think she lost her shirt. (usemycomputer)

Somebody threw a bra to Gay Jonas at a recent concert; Gay Jonas predictably acts with revulsion and horror. (Lainey Goss)

Work Ethic: (Noun) The principle that hard work is intrinsically virtuous or worthy of reward.

The new MTV "Hills" spin-off, "The City," which follows Whitney Port as she "works" for Diane von Furstenberg premieres tonight; (you know Heidi and Spencer have got to be shitting themselves with jealousy) and if you're wondering how it is for other von Furstenberg employees having the show there, the answer is "totally fun!" Oh, kidding... It's predictably a nightmare.

"She doesn't really work. She is hardly ever in the office." Those who do work for von Furstenberg, however, are in the office daily and "can't get their work done because MTV tells them they can't move any thing at their work stations. They do so many reshoots that everything has to look exactly the same every day." (Source)

That sounds really, really inspiring; to have worked incredibly hard to break into the fashion industry only to come second to a hotshot virtuoso who is so good at what she does that she doesn't have to actually do any work, show any credentials, or even be present in general to be super awesome at her job. So when I say that sounds "really inspiring," what I mean is that I hope Whitney gets used to the taste of urine in her coffee. Because, yep: There's gonna be some urine.

More of Whitney and Co. at "The Hills" wrap party for season whatever:

Made-Up: (Adjective) Invented; not true.

Amy Winehouse's ex-lover/assistant, Alex Haines, gave a tell-all interview in which he details his time spent with Amy during her darkest times following the incarceration of her husband Blake. Among the shocking revelations? Amy was a bulimic sex addict who cut herself, smoked crack for breakfast and was a violent drunk. No wait, we're talking about the same Amy Winehouse here, right?

“It was like having my own little porn star. Amy was so dirty—she wanted sex all the time. We did it four or five times a day and she’d even wake me up for it. She was addicted to sex like she was to drugs.”

“At one party Amy wanted to prove she was used to cocaine. So she did a line that was 20 CENTIMETRES LONG to show she was a big user. “For such a small girl she had amazing drugs tolerance. It was scary what she could do.”

“Amy suffered from bulimia, which is why she looked so thin. She would have a massive McDonalds and then throw it all up in the bathroom. I found my toothbrush covered in sick, and asked her about it. (Source)

I have no idea if this guy is actually telling the truth or not. I could make up a bunch of crazy horseshit about Amy Winehouse, too. Like that she sprinkled crack rocks on her Wheetabix in the morning because she liked the added crunch. See? That could totally be true. Then again, the guy did admit to having sex with Amy Winehouse, who pretty much looked like a hobgoblin during the time in question. That's like using "diarrhea" as your excuse for calling out sick to work. It's just horrifying enough that you probably wouldn't make it up if it weren't actually true.

More of Amy on holiday in the Caribbean looking healthier but posing creepily: (Photo credit: News of the World.)

Shameless: (Adjective) Of a person or their conduct characterized by or showing a lack of shame.

Heidi and Spencer spent Christmas Eve at the Los Angeles Mission helping out the less fortunate by slobbering all over each over the food that they were serving to the less fortunate. Really, they had no idea there were going to be cameras there! They were as surprised as anyone. Well, you know what they say: It just wouldn't be Christmas without Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt around to exploit the motherloving shit out of it. Just like it wouldn't be Christmas without your racist uncle getting trashed and telling dick jokes at the dinner table. Some holiday traditions never die.

Last Resort: (Noun) An expedient adopted only in desperation.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson debuted their baby, the asininely named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, on Pete Wentz's web site Friends or Enemies on Christmas day; after Pete had previously denied rumors that they were shopping around baby photos.

Wentz blogged earlier this month that "like every celeb couple, we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags, from here to Guam, to pimp out the baby. We just don't want to go down that road with him.

"We are not placing judgment on those that do, as they often use the money in a very charitable way," he said. "However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx's baby pictures right now." (Source)

That's mighty big coming from the same guy whose private, intimate wedding photos popped up on the cover of People less than four days after the nuptials. So in other words, nobody wanted pictures of that stupid baby. Not even Pussy Emo Babies Quarterly.

Sacred: (Adjective) Connected with God (or the gods) or dedicated to a religious purpose and so deserving veneration.

It's a little slow around these parts, because apparently even celebrities take a break from saying stupid things and wearing stupid clothes to observe the holidays -- so I'm gonna close this operation down for the next few days. But before I go, I wanted to wish Jesus a happy birthday, and what better way to do that than with a couple of topless, 19-year-old bodypainted twins? Tits! Just what he wanted! Yup, it's a little known fact that old Beardy McSaviorface loved himself a nice pair of knockers. Total breast man, that one. So go put that in your DaVinci pipe and smoke it.

More of the twins and Hef's newest whore, Dasha Astafieva, at the Playboy 55th Anniversary Playmate Celebration:

Hoping for more topless pics of Amy Winehouse for Christmas? Then slap me with a fat suit and call me Santy Claus! (Celebitchy)

Not content to let Amy have all the fun, Lily Allen pulled a little holiday-themed topless shenanigans of her own. (The Blemish)

Here's a review of the Marisa Tomei topless stripper movie The Wrestler. (Pajiba)

Beyonce's new alter-ego could already use a Max Power-esque makeover. (Yeeeah!)

I was dressed like an Eskimo in Philly yesterday and almost froze to death, but climate rebels Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise go coatless in New York. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lucy Lawless doesn't care if the bra is worn over or under your clothes, as long as it's clearly visible. (Ayyyy!)

It's a celebrity cameltoe extravaganza! (cityrag)

Paris is paranoid that the thief is going to strike twice. Please, like he's not already dead from a mutant strain of the herps he picked up in her home the first time. (CelebWarship)

Britney Spears wishes you a very merry Christmas and a hopefully, probably mostly sane New Year! (BricksAndStones)

Rip-Off: (Noun) A fraud or swindle, esp. something that is grossly overpriced.

The auction for Scarlett Johansson's snotty, disgusting tissue has come to a close, for the one-time only price of $5,300.00. (With free shipping!) So is it just me or is that pretty much the worst deal ever? If Kleenex® tissues cost approximately $2.17 per box for a box of 184, then for $5300 you could technically buy 441,667 tissues for that same amount of money. Unused tissues, even. That's like more than a lifetime supply, probably. You'd have to eventually start using them as napkins or toilet paper or wallpapering your house. Or, you know, you could just have the one snot-covered one from Scarlett Johansson. Way to be champion of the recession, asshole.

More of Rose Petal Snot at the Nobel Peace Prize Concert earlier this month:

Obnoxious: (Adjective) Extremely unpleasant and/or grating.

In her latest bid to be as much of an attention whore as humanly possibly, Paris Hilton drove around LA yesterday in her brand new custom Barbie-pink Bentley. The car reportedly cost upwards of $200 grand, and while I know that's pocket change to Paris Hilton... Really, how stupid is she? Ninety-nine point nine percent of the world hates her stupid pink guts, and what better way to show it than to do your part in destroying that shiny new car of hers? It's not like you'd mistake it for some other pink car with "PH" encrusted in rhinestones all over the godforsaken thing.

In fact, if I had to choose, and in front of me there was Paris Hilton's pink car and the world's longest Domino® chain with a sign in front of it that read "$1 million dollars to whomever knocks this down" -- and I could only pick one of those things to ruin? I would still pick the car. I would be halfway through scratching "WHORE" into the hood and think to myself, "Huh. I could've had a million dollars," and then I'd just shrug my shoulders and go back to keying the motherloving shit out of that car.

More of Paris and her walking target of a car and her Brittany Spaniel:

Bananners: (Adjective) Of someone who is batshit fucking insane.

Apropos of nothing, here is a random Bai Ling photoshoot. Because she's crazy and it's fun. Although I have to say, PETA is probably not gonna like this. But you know what? They're not gonna do dick about it. And here's why: Because nobody picks on the crazy kids. Bullies always go for the weak, frail and cowardly. You know, like the Olsen twins. With Bai Ling on the other hand, it's just going to wind up more trouble than it's worth, and she'd probably start writing Band-Aid messages about them to wear on her knees. What do you even say back to that? That's right. Nothing. There's nothing even to say. Crazy always wins.

Photo credit: Michael Bezjian -- WireImage.

Vomit: (Verb) To eject matter from the stomach through the mouth.

Can somebody please tell Pete Wentz to shut the eff up? After going into great, great detail going on about his, ugh, "sex life" last week, now Wentzhole is now talking about drinking Ashlee's breast milk.

Pete Wentz revealed that wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk tastes "soury" and "weird" on SIRIUS' The Morning Mash Up! on Monday. The Fall Out Boy bassist, 29, may not be a fan, but Ashlee and Pete's newborn Bronx Mowgli is: "The baby loves it, it’s the only thing he’s had a chance to have." (Source)

Don't you just love how he acts like the taste of breast milk is so strange and unfamiliar? Nice try, asshole. Everyone knows damn well that Pete Wentz didn't turn out to become a guy like Pete Wentz without breastfeeding until he was at least four.

Duped: (Verb) To deceive; trick.

In a move nobody saw coming, ever, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's fake legalization of their fake Mexico marriage never happened (just like I said it didn't) because the whole entire thing was all just a stunt for the season finale of "The Hills."

Finally, in front of Deputy Commissioner, Donna Jones, Heidi proclaims, "I, Heidi, take thee Spencer to be my lawfully wedded husband for better or for worse for as long as we both shall live." After a tense few seconds, Spencer pauses, and tells Montag, "I feel like we're doing something sneaky and shady." As Montag begins to cry, she says, "Of course I want my mom here." Pratt responds, "I just want to give you the wedding of your dreams that you have been talking about for three years. I'll deal with it. It's worth it to be with you the rest of my life. We'll do it the way you want, I'm sorry, I love you so much." (Source)

So what have we learned here? "The Hills" is still a scripted soap opera and not a reality show and nothing that happens on it or having to do with it whatsoever should be taken at face value. Not ever. Unless you hear reports of somebody in dark clothing wearing a face mask smashing Spencer Pratt in the nuts with a baseball bat. That was probably real. Oh, and also, I have an alibi for next Tuesday.

More retardation from "The Hills" Season Whatever finale wrap party:

Sorry about the lack of posting around here today, guys. It wasn't so much of me taking off early for the holidays so much as a shitty internet connection. I should be posting for most of the rest of the week though -- fear not! Anyway, here's some links:

Seriously, I missed out on Amy Winehouse topless photos today. Thanks a fucking lot, Comcast. (Yeeeah!)

Mary Kate Olsen thinks the recession is awesome because of all the great sales! (The Blemish)

Tori Spelling and that Dean guy are totally like if Heidi and Spencer had kids. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jessica Simpson is saying that she's basically like a housewife. Except, we already saw that, it was called "Newlyweds" and she failed miserably. (Celebitchy)

The trailer for Night of the Museum 2 is all the fun of a punch in the face! (Pajiba)

How does Madonna keep finding new guys who will bang her? I mean, she still is totally effing disgusting, right? (Celebslam)

That Twilight asshole cut his greasy gross hair. (Agent Bedhead)

More pics of Lily Allen looking uber-hot, just because damn girl. (usemycomputer)

James Franco is the total package... A "Renaissance Hunk," if you will. (Lainey Goss)

HA: (Exclamation) Used to express surprise, suspicion, triumph, or some other emotion.

Hahaha. I know it's not usually nice to laugh at people who are in car accidents. However, if it happens to a member of the Hogan family, it's pretty much always excused. So it's also totally cool to take smug satisfaction that Linda Hogan was involved in a car accident this weekend less than a quarter of a mile from her son's accident.

Cops on scene tell TMZ Linda's white Mercedes was reaended by a red Camaro. The Camaro suffered the majority of the damage -- Linda's car only suffered "minor" damage. Her son-alike BF Charley Hill arrived on the scene shortly afterwards. (Source)

I know what you're all thinking, that this is some kind of karma or irony at work here. But unfortunately, the sad fact of the matter is that this is really just some minor, insignificant coincidence. Nope -- it'll be karma when the entire Hogan family is taking a constitutional down to the Ponderosa Steakhouse and the family car gets nailed head on by a tractor trailer, leaving the lot of them in lifelong, vegetative states. And I cannot wait for that day.

Ali Larter is a fucking artist, and bad actressin' is her medium. (Pajiba)

Jennifer Aniston fails to be slightly less boring by publicly "canoodling" with John Mayer. (Yeeeah!)

Zooey Deschanel was looking her usual, bubbly radiant self at the LA Yes Man premiere. (The Blemish)

More Zooey in VenusZine magazine! (usemycomputer)

Tom Cruise and Jim Carrey throw down for the title of "Most Pathetically Desperate Movie Promoting Guy." (Seriously? OMG!)

Nicole and Joel moving to Maryland? Oh hell no, we don't want 'em over here. (Celebitchy)

Paris Hilton had her Bentley painted Pepto-Bismol pink, which is ironic because I feel like I'm going to squeef whenever I look at her. (Celebslam)

McConaughey continues to refuse to not wear a shirt; disappoints. (Agent Bedhead)

Paris Hilton's home was robbed, and I can't even muster up a gloat since it's probably the equivalent to her of me getting shortchanged a dollar. (CelebSmack)

When the hell did that mess Lily Allen start looking so fucking fabulous? (Lainey Goss)

Let's take A Friday "Full House" constitutional with IBBB! (IBBB)

Clockwork Retard: (Phrase) In reference to lame people who dress up the lead character from A Clockwork Orange.

Christina Aguilera celebrated her 28th brithday last night by throwing A Clockwork Orange themed party in Los Angeles which was attended by the likes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Wow, sounds like a great party, what with having everyone dress up as the same exact thing. I don't know how she could possibly top this, except for maybe a Cast Away party for her 29th. Everyone can show up in a loincloth carrying a volley ball! It'll be the bitchinist party ever!

Editor's note: Is Joel Madden even wearing a costume? Discuss.

Transformation: (Noun) A thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance.

In an effort to conceal herself from the paparazzi, Katie Holmes is now apparently going incognito as a large black man.

Mussy: (Adjective) Of someone's hair or clothes being untidy or messy.

Whenever I see Shannen Doherty -- or pictures of Shannen Doherty, anyway, since it's not like I just run into her at the Rite Aid or what have you  -- she always looks like she just crawled out of bed. After a six month long hibernation. Really, Shan, what happened here? Please explain this to me. I guess if you want to see the glass half full, the hair does kind of distract from the face. Which, thanks to the modern wonders of cosmetic surgery looks like it was dipped in the stuff Mr. Wizard used to dip apples in before smashing them like glass with a hammer.

Oh, and don't miss the back of the dress, either: (Klassy!)

Holier-Than-Thou: (Adjective) Characterized by an attitude of moral superiority.

Just in case you were wondering: Yes, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt do celebrate Christmas, but no they don't buy into the whole "rampant consumerism" aspect of it. Why? Well, because they're better than you, of course.

“We do exchange gifts,” explains Brad Pitt to Hello! magazine. “Although we don’t feel any pressure to make them big or expensive gifts. The rule is that everyone’s got to make something for someone else, you got to put time into it. Then, when they give to each other, it’s really sweet.” (Source)

I guess when you've got more money than God and can buy pretty much anything you want, it really doesn't get any better than macaroni art. All us saps just looking forward to laptops or expensive new sneakers for Christmas? Won't even know how bad we've got it, until we've experienced the distinct pleasure having our loved ones stick dried pasta onto cardboard with Elmer's Glue and give it a light dusting of glitter. So you think about that this Christmas morning when you're fiddling with your new iPod or programming your new flat screen. You cretins.

Ang at the premiere of Clint Eastwood's racist new movie (or so  heard):

Here are the Ten Best Britney Moments. And not in an ironic way, so, you know, they're actually good things that have happened to Britney. (BuddyTV)

Katie Holmes somehow managed to pull off Amy Winehouse's look without all the crack and booze. (Seriously? OMG!)

Who is Hollywood looks most like The Blockheads from Gumby? (Pajiba)

Jennifer Aniston gives Letterman her GQ sexy naked time necktie. (Yeeeah!)

Here are a bunch of facts about Paris Hilton you never would have known unless you just used your imagination and guessed. (The Blemish)

All the finest bitches in Hollywood came out for the NYC premiere of Marley & Me. (Celebitchy)

Posh Spice thinks she dresses like a "schoolteacher." Uhhh, what porn movies is she watching? (Best Week Ever)

Kristen Bell sparkles in lip gloss and sequin pants. (Ayyyy!)

Fudge you, Christmas tree! (cityrag)

Stephanie Tanner is totally the new Britney Spears only minus the redeeming pre-trainwreck career. (CelebWarship)

Jeremy Piven had to back out of a job because of a "high mercury count?" I guess that's what they're calling syphilis these days. (BricksAndStones)

More pictures of Tara Reid failing at sobriety, just because it's fun. (HQ Celeb)

Megan Fox nerds it up at the Spike TV Video Game Awards. (usemycomputer)

Stone Age: (Noun) A prehistoric period when weapons and tools were made of stone or of organic materials such as bone, wood, or horn.

Q: What do Keanu Reeves and my grandmother have in common? A: They're both clueless and terrified when it comes to technology. That's right, not only does Keanu Reeves not grasp "the internets," but he also composes all correspondence via typewriter.

The eccentric actor insists he has no plans to embrace the internet and relishes the opportunity to bash out letters and scripts on an old-fashioned word processor. Reeves, says, "I prefer a typewriter. I enjoy the sensation of sitting down and taking time to think about what I want to say." (Source)

Jesus, is it me or does it sound like somebody has seen The Matrix one too many times? Ohhhh... right. Nevermind, then.

More of Keanu from The Day The Earth Was Boring and Sucked premiere:

Delightful: (Adjective) Causing delight; charming.

Scarlett Johansson went on Leno last night blabbing about how she caught Samuel L. Jackson's cold and how it's worth money because it's a "celebrity cold" and how she should sell it on Ebay and blah blah blah... To which Jay Leno produced tissues and a plastic baggie and Scarlett announced which charity the proceeds would be going to like the whole stupid thing wasn't meticulously orchestrated. Yawn. (Watch clip here.)

But damned if that snotrag isn't going for over two thousand bucks on Ebay right now. You know, this could spark a real trend in celebrity auctions. What would you pay for a real, genuine Katie Holmes used Q-Tip, with earwax still attached? Or Miley Cyrus's peeled-off Biore® Pore Strip? Or Jennifer Ansiton's Monistat® applicator? All the money raised can go to the United States Postal Service to buy their employees new HazMat suits for having to lug all this disgusting shit around!

More of Scarlett and her holier-than-thou germs at The Spirit premiere:

Bullshitter: (Noun) Someone who spews shit out of their mouth full of shit.

Spencer Pratt has come forth to deny reports that the California legalization of their fake Mexico wedding which was taped for "The Hills" was also fake.

In an interview with Ryan Seacrest that airs Monday, Pratt, 25, says, "We checked the confidentially box, so good luck [finding our marriage license] people!" (Source)

What a load of flaming horseshit. As a commenter helpfully pointed out yesterday, Heidi and Spencer have never done anything confidentially. Spencer Pratt would record his morning dump for posterity if the FCC and laws of decency would allow it, so I don't believe for a second that if that marriage license existed, that the two of them wouldn't have already leaked a staged photoshoot holding it up for the camera and sticking their tongues down each other throats.

Inevitably: (Adverb) Certain to happen; unavoidable.

Us Magazine is reporting that J Lo and Marc Anthony are at their "breaking point" after J Lo showed up at The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last week sans wedding rings and sans husband; in addition to multiple sources confirming the troubled marriage. The most surprising thing? It's not even J Lo's fault for once this time.

"He's very, very controlling of her," a close Anthony pal tells Us. "The skirts aren't as short. You don't see so much of that booty anymore." The new Us Weekly also reports that Anthony also picks out Lopez’s clothes and keeps tabs on her phone calls.

But Lopez -- who once claimed she "loved getting his opinions" -- has become less interested in his approval since the birth of their 10-month-old twins, Max and Emme. "She walks in from work, washes her hands and grabs the babies," a longtime friend tells Us. "With him, it's almost like, 'Ugh, they're crying again?'"

When J Lo and Creepy McSkeletorFace got married, I took a pool of my coworkers of how long it would last. I don't know if anyone had four years and seven months, and since I don't work there anymore and don't know what happened to the backside of the company memo that I wrote everyone picks down on, I guess I'll just be keeping that money. Sorry guys. But hey! On the plus side, J Lo's career has pretty much gone down the shitter since she married and subsequently got knocked up by Creepy McSkeletorFace, so if no more "Maid in Manhattans" ain't worth a $16 office pool prize, then I don't know what is.

More of J Lo and her amazing, gravity-defiant knockers at the Benjamin Button premiere:

Here are the worst mentally handicapped Hollywood performances. I'm looking at you, Cuba. (Pajiba)

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian is a big, fat hypocrite. Emphasis on the you know what. (Celebslam)

GROSS. Kelly Rutherford still breast feeds her two-year-old. (Yeeeah!)

No. Way. The underwear model butt boy is using Miley Cyrus. (The Blemish)

My Pet Brendan ups the crazy hair/face ante. (Seriously? OMG!)

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz consult the Dog Whisperer. Like he's going to be able to solve Pete's bed-wetting problem. (Celebitchy)

Nicole Kidman is breaking Aboriginal taboos like botox records. (Agent Bedhead)

Jared Leto needs to shave that shit. (CelebSmack)

OMG! Neve Campbell alert! (usemycomputer)

Does this mean Brad and Angelina might finally be getting married? Because six effing kids aren't enough commitment. (popbytes)

Could there be toruble brewing in the Smith/Pinkett-Smith household? Oh, please Santa!! (Lainey Goss)

Gracefully: (Adverb) Having or showing grace or elegance, esp. in regards to aging.

It pains me to say this. It really, really does. I mean, Goldie Hawn! Come on! "Laugh In..." Wildcats... Overboard... Yes, even Death Becomes Her. I saw that one in the theater, bitches. So yes: I loved Goldie Hawn.

But the face... There's something not right about the face. This is definitely not the result of Mother Nature's natural aging process. But for the life of me, I couldn't even tell you what kind of cosmetic surgical procedure causes premature hobgoblining. Chemical peel?

*Shudder*

Lying A-Holes: (Noun) Deceptive, lying despicable people who are full of lies.

Oh, so remember that time that Heidi and Spencer got fake married down in Mexico? Well, in a tease that aired on MTV Monday for "The Hills" season finale, Heidi and Spencer are seen making it legal in a California courthouse. Except, guess what? It didn't really happen again. I know. Shocking.

A Los Angeles Superior Court official said Tuesday that MTV was recently granted permission to shoot in a courtroom in Beverly Hills, but it was done after hours — and that's not one of their judges sitting on the bench in "The Hills" footage.

A check of marriage records last week did not reveal any filings by Pratt or Montag in Los Angeles County, although the couple could get married in any county in California as well as opt for a confidential license. Officials at two courthouses in neighboring Orange County said they have not received requests from MTV to film in their facilities.

"In my mind, it's as legal as the ring on my finger," Pratt told Us Weekly. (Source)

It's as legal as the ring on his finger? I don't even know where to begin with that, so I'm just going to say that that may be the dumbest thing ever said by anyone, anywhere. But anyway, at this point, what's the big deal? Get fucking married already. There are worse things than getting married to some beardey-faced loser for publicity purposes, after all. Like getting married to some Mexican who promises to give you a percentage of his income in exchange for citizenship, and then he disappears off the face of the Earth and you're stuck with the last name "Sanchez" for the rest of your damn life. Or, so I've heard.

Dumb and Dumber take to the slopes and ruin skiing for everyone:

Fag Hag: (Noun) A heterosexual woman who enjoys the company of homosexual men.

Demi Lovato dished to Seventeen magazine how she's never hooked up with any of the Jonas Brothers because they're all just s'darn good friends. Really. She even wears sweats, glasses and no makeup face around them, and had unsurprisingly bonded most with Gay Jonas.

"I can definitely call Joe a best friend," she says. "On one of the first nights of filming Camp Rock, we sat there and spilled everything, and I talked about how I was bullied in school when I was younger. It was emotional, but it brought us close. I'm able to go to all of them with my problems." (Source)

There are two types of men who will sit and listen to a girl prattle on about her problems: guys who want to get in our pants and gay guys. And Demi Lovato has one of those weird butt-chins, so you know it's not the first one. Oh, I'm kidding... Obviously, if this were a court trial to prove Joe Jonas' sexuality this is the part where I'd dramatically say, "Case closed, your honor."

More of Butt Chin at the American Music Awards:

Humble: (Adjective) Having or showing a modest estimate of one's own importance.

Tom Cruise is really sucking it up to try to get people to see his shitty new Nazi movie. Following  apologizing to Matt Lauer, on the latest stop of his "I'm Not Such A Bad Guy, Really" press tour, Cruise visited Letterman where he read a Top Ten list of the "Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise on the Internet."

10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat - like harness.
9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.
8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.
6. I once Heimliched a koala.
5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo Rub.
3. I'm a power mad ego maniac who's completely insulated from reality - oh wait, that's Letterman.
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my [expletive].

I guess that's not a terrible start, but he forgot the part where we say that he's a closeted gay cultist who worships volcano aliens and brainwashed his wife who he picked out of a wife catalog for their totally manufactured convenience facade marriage. Still, even that much probably made him clench his fists so tight that his fingernails literally drew blood from his palms, so... You know, baby steps.

Tom and Katie backstage at Tina Turner earlier this month. (Hee hee! Looks like somebody forgot his lifts!)

Overcompensate: (Verb) To take excessive measures in attempting to correct or make amends for an error, weakness, or problem.

Sorry to do this to you guys this morning, but I read this story last night and was then forced to drink myself into a stupor until I passed out -- so now it's your turn. Ol' Pete Wentzey must be sick of bloggers like myself insinuating that he's gay and doesn't have sex with his wife, so he went on Stern and let the TMI flow like fine diarrhea:

"We have an amazing sex life," the Fall Out Boy bassist, 29, said while promoting the band's new album, Folie a Deux. "We have such sexual chemistry," he went on. "If we had been on this show last year, we'd probably be doing it in the green room right now.

Currently, they don't have sex -- "the kid's [a few] weeks old," Wentz explained -- but "we do other fun stuff."

Wentz said it took some time to convince Simpson to hook up with him. (He joked that he had to "beat her over the head with a club and drag her back to my cave.") Once they did it, it was "the single best sexual encounter I have ever had," he said. "It was at the Soho Grand Hotel [in New York City], and I'm looking in the mirrors, [thinking], 'Oh my God, you are [sleeping with] the girl of your dreams, and you can watch yourself!'"

Wentz told Stern that Simpson also "loves giving me lap dances. She gives a mean lap dance." She wears thongs and "sexy clothes," he noted. He went on to say that Simpson's body is already hot three weeks after giving birth. Normally she wears a C-cup "but with breast milk, [she's] a D." (Source)

I'm sure this at least partly has to do with Us Weekly's transcription of the interview, but Pete Wentz has never sounded more like a 14-year-old virgin lying about doing it with a girl. All he's missing here is "I put my penis in her vachina."

Petey playing the Y100 Jingle Ball this weekend. Really not gay? I mean really, really?

Tara Reid is rehabbing this bitch up! (The Blemish)

A Christmas movie starring Debra Messing that doesn't totally blow? Either we've entered the Twilight Zone or Dustin is on the pot again. (Pajiba)

Paris Hilton is giving her vagina out like candy again. Poisonous candy. (Yeeeah!)

Tom Cruise can eat humble pie 'til he pukes, but it ain't gonna do jack to fix his reputation. (Seriously? OMG!)

Do we really need some "list" to tell us that Bronx Mowgli is the dumbest fucking baby name ever? (Celebitchy)

A photographic rundown of the Revolutionary Road premiere that is probably much more entertaining then the actual film. (Best Week Ever)

Bitch, please. Your baby isn't good enough for the Almight Xenu Overlord. (Ayyyy!)

NYC's "Santa Con" shockingly not the family-friendly type of event you'd think. (cityrag)

Nicole Ritchie is too busy mothering her weird looking, pasty baby to record an album. Whew. (CelebWarship)

Jack Black on "The Office?" That shouldn't not be annoying at all whatsoever. (BricksAndStones)

Sarah Michelle Gellar Maxim outtakes -- now with more jutting hip bones! (Popoholic)

Heidi Klum has apparently found the secret to eternal youth and that bitch isn't sharing it with anyone. (IDWYL)

Cleavagey: (Adjective) Of a woman's breasts, esp. as exposed by a low-cut garment.

Topanga visited Planet Hollywood yesterday to imprint her hands in concrete or whatever beat-ass plaster concrete-substitute they use to conduct these sort of ceremonies at Planet fucking Hollywood, and inadvertently gave the crowd a little treat. Here all this time I thought miniature golfing was the most inappropriate place you could wear a titty shirt, but Topanga proved me wrong. Although, I bet she also gathers quite the crowd of 12-year-old boys when patronizing the local Mini Putt Putt. Topanga knows what I'm talking about.

Virtuous: (Adjective) Having or showing high moral standards.

In the January issue of Maxim, Hilary Duff speaks out against having been misquoted to the effect that she had supposedly declared her virginity.

You know what? I was quoted saying I was a virgin, but I absolutely did not say that. That’s nobody’s business but my own. Somehow it turned into a bad thing! (Source)

Right on, sister. There is nothing wrong with a woman who likes to fuck. And you know what? If more of these girls owned up to their sex-having instead of being all secretive and shameful about it and actually used protection; then maybe the Spears sisters wouldn't have rugrats hanging all off of them, Bristol Palin wouldn't be having a baby, and Miley Cyrus wouldn't be getting knocked up in the insert not-so-distant future date here.

Overhaul: (Noun) A thorough examination of machinery or a system, with repairs or changes made if necessary.

Oh, goody. Rumer Willis is back. It seemed like there was once a time where I couldn't go a week without making fun of pictures of Rumer Willis, and then one day she up and disappeared. Took her potato-shaped ball and went home with it. I think she was actually probably shooting one of her two upcoming movies starring skanks from "The Hills," but whatever. Now that she's back, I have to say she seems... Slightly improved? That hair really takes the eye off of her awful, awful face; and she appears to be actually standing up straighter, so I can't even call her the scoliosis queen anymore. Ok, Rumer; you win this one. For once I won't make fun of you. But I can't make any promises if I have to start seeing your gay-ass tattoo every other damn day again.

Electrifying: (Adjective) Of having been charged with electricity.

Seriously, Brendan Fraser, what the fuck? We all know you have hair plugs. Everybody knows it. But I still don't understand how that necessitates going for the "sticking your finger in the electric socket" approach to hair styling. The last time I saw hair like that it was sitting on the head of a My Pet Monster doll.

More of My Pet Brendan at the Dubai International Film Festival:

Reserves: (Noun) A supply of a commodity not needed for immediate use but available if required.

The more Jennifer Aniston tries to make herself seem not pathetic, the more it seems like I hear overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Apparently right after she split with John Mayer, Jennifer was scrabbling to quick find another man so she wouldn't have to face the glare of being alone promoting Marley & Me while Brad and Angelina promoted The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Oh, Jen...

Aniston "did not want to be single when her movie opened," one source said. "A friend of her agent was calling around asking for young men whom they could set her up with." But the attempt to find a replacement for Mayer was aborted when he and Aniston soon got back together. (Source)

Somebody should really tell Jennifer Aniston that there are worse things than being single. Like being with John Mayer, for example. Or, being with John Mayer. Did I mention being with John Mayer? The guy used to go out with Jessica Simpson, is all I'm saying. Going by those shining standards, it's probably a good thing Nick Lachey was already taken.

Editor's note: yes, that was the most unflattering picture I could find of Jennifer Aniston. Sorry.

Spoiler alert: the dog dies:

Somebody's been spoilering all over the Marley & Me billboards. (Pajiba)

Oh... No... Pamela Anderson finally squashes any remaining sexiness she may have had left in her exposed crotch folds. (Yeeeah!)

Hey, wanna see Madonna fall down? Sure ya do! (The Blemish)

Ohmigod, hilarious. Check out the Christmas album cover for the retarded dreadlocked kid from last season of "American Idol." (Seriously? OMG!)

The Hef's got a new girl he can pretend to be banging for the E! Network. (Celebitchy)

Michael Jackson has amazingly found a way to out-creepy himself. (Celebslam)

Check out real, live Scientologists in action! (Agent Bedhead)

Who's this fat dude and what did he do with Mike Tyson? (CelebSmack)

Jessica Simpson is promoting her stanky new perfume out the ass. (usemycomputer)

Britney knocks back some burgers and fries and still manages to not look fat. (Lainey Goss)

DJ Tanner is totally rubbing it in Stephanie Tanner's face. Sibling rivalry! (IBBB)

Crackwhore: (Noun) A prostitute who only prostitutes for the sole purpose of feed her crack addiction.

Lookin' good, Court! I bet if she were picked up on the street by a "COPS" crew due to a case of mistaken identity, they might not even use a pair of rubber gloves before searching her. Ok, ok... They'd probably still use the gloves. I was just trying to be nice. Sheesh.

Deja Vu: (Noun) A feeling of having already experienced the present situation.

We've heard rumors before about "90210's" Shenae Grimes being an insufferable twat, and now rumors are also starting to surface about her being on the drugs, as well. Next stop, super-stardom!

The 90210 wild child was "totally wired — practically vibrating" when she hosted The Gemini Awards with Jason Priestley in her hometown of Toronto on Nov. 28, says an insider. "It's impossible to be that high-energy without some help."

She's partying so hard that "she's been showing up late for filming and is forgetting her lines," says a source. "People on set are complaining that she's more trouble than she's worth." (Source)

Don't you love how every Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton of this world thinks that they can be the first starlet to be a boozed-up pain in the ass and totally come out on top? I wonder if Shenae thinks to herself: "Oh yeah, but I'm different than those girls." Because, right. I just hope she remembers those words when she's reprising her "90210" character in the 2028 remake of the franchise.

More of Shenaenae hamming it up at the Gemini Awards: (Looks fucked up to me!)

Asylum: (Noun) Shelter or protection from danger.

Why is it that every time I see pictures of Katie Holmes carrying Suri around New York she looks like some kind of damn refugee? If they ever start handing out Oscars based purely on how you looked when getting photographed by the paparazzi, Katie Holmes will totally be a ringer. I mean, God, they're called cabs already for the millionth time.

Throwdown: (Verb) When two or more parties kick each others' motherloving asses.

During the "Rock of Love: Charm School" reunion taping this weekend, Sharon Osbourne allegedly got into a physical altercation with contestant Megan Hauserman after Megan called Ozzy a "brain dead rock star." Oooh...

She says Sharon O. ran across the stage of the show, grabbed Megan by her hair and would not let go. She says Sharon (who is the host of the show) continued to pull at her hair and scratch her until security eventually separated the two. Megan went to the hospital Sunday afternoon and filed a report with the LAPD on Sunday night. (Source)

Really, is it a surprise to anyone that Sharon Osbourne would try to beat a bitch up? I mean, what genius decided to put Sharon bleeping Osbourne in charge of something called "Charm School" in the first place? I've seen her house on TV, and the floor is covered in dog shit pretty much constantly. They might as well make Lindsay Lohan the new host of Celebrity Rehab when Dr. Drew decides he wants more money.

Finally: (Adverb) After a long time, typically involving difficulty or delay.

What I'm about to tell you is a God's honest news story and not a punchline I made up. Tara Reid has checked into rehab. Supposedly she checked herself into Promises and made the decision entirely on her own. People gloats:

In an interview in October, Reid told PEOPLE she was a "social drinker" who enjoyed an occasional glass of wine with friends. Asked if she was ever tempted to fall back into old habits, the actress said: "No. I've done it. Trust me. I've done enough for a lifetime of everything. I've had a great time. I partied. I had fun. I ate and drank whatever. I dated a million guys, but I'm so happy with where I'm at right now. I don't need to do anything anymore."

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can admit that you have a problem. Over the years Tara Reid had watched her acting career swirl down the toilet, slurred through a reality series on the E! Network, and walked down the red carpet with her breast fully exposed. I cannot even begin to fathom what her breaking point was, short of waking up with a bloody knife in her hand and a dead, naked homeless person on her bedroom floor.

Being carried out of somewhere this September:

Color me shocked: I had no idea Keanu Reeves was so versatile. (Pajiba)

People are actually making knockoffs of Pete Wentz's clothing line. Well, if there's still a market for fake dog poop... (Yeeeah!)

Paris Hilton thinks she's the "living proof blondes aren't stupid." Living proof herpes isn't fatal, more like it. (The Blemish)

Zac Efron takes a strap-on buying constitutional. (Seriously? OMG!)

Ha ha ha! Martha Stewart hates Rachel Ray. Hey, join the club! (Celebitchy)

Mariah Carey is the Grinch who farted glittery crap on Christmas. (Celebslam)

RIP: Katy Perry's existence finally killed Bettie Page. (CelebSmack)

Pics of my girlcrush Zooey in Complex magazine. (usemycomputer)

Gwyneth probably didn't have a boob job but probably is getting divorced. (Lainey Goss)

Miley Cyrus gets her driver's license; uncharacteristically makes obnoxious face. (IBBB)

Blamer: (Noun) Somebody who assigns others responsibility for their owns faults.

Avril Lavigne has ditched her longtime manager in an attempt to save her pathetic career. Something about nobody buying her last album or going to see her concerts or anything.

A source tells celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, "Avril is hoping that new management can help her new album be more successful than the last." (Source)

Do you think it even occurs to her that maybe her manager isn't at fault here? I mean, you can't blame the driver when the car itself is a piece of shit, or because maybe nobody likes the car anymore because when they used to drive it they were too young to know what real cars drove like and have since moved on to better cars that don't suck and dress like they're a retarded twelve year old. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Avril Lavigne buh-lows.

Doing the drunken stumble of shame in LA last month:

Gross: (Adjective) Very unpleasant; repulsive.

Looks like it must be Josh Kelley's lucky day! He just got to find out what the inside of an ashtray smells like!

Racy: (Adjective) Lively, entertaining, and typically mildly titillating sexually.

Well, it looks like GQ is gonna tease us by leaking these photos from Jennifer Aniston's "99 Ways To Cover Up Your Naughty Bits Using Only A Necktie" photoshoot one at a time, with each successive photo being more risque than the last. You'd think by around number 82 or 83 they'd start running out of ideas, but that's when the double-sided tape probably comes in handy.

Editor's note: do male models always trim their armpit hair? I never noticed before.

Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson at the Marley & Me premiere last night:

Liar: (Noun) A person who tells lies.

Somebody asked Pete Wentz which of Ashlee Simpson's features was his favorite, and somehow he managed to form an answer other than: "You know, her girl parts."

"I would start with the breasts," the new dad (son Bronx Mowgli was born three weeks ago) tells E!'s Daily 10.

"Ashlee is the kind of person that understands me in a way that other human beings don't understand each other," he says. "I would say that we fit together kind of like Lego pieces, and that's how we're able to communicate." (Source)

What??? They fit together like Lego pieces?! Now, I know he wasn't specifically talking about sex, but still -- I have never been more confident that Pete Wentz has never seen a naked girl in his entire life.

Pete looking super-duper gay with Travis McCoy at their dumb thing the other night:

Gather round the Christmas turd log and catch up on a holiday classic: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (Pajiba)

Tori Spelling and Audrina Patridge: Adventures in Cosmetic Surgery. (BricksAndStones)

EWWWW! Katie Holmes looks like she went carpet diving on Paris Hilton! (Yeeeah!)

Ashlee and Pete can't give away their stupid little baby. (The Blemish)

You could not pay me $25 grand to spend four fucking days on a boat with John Mayer. (Seriously? OMG!)

Amy Winehouse's Blakey got his ass handed to him in prison. (Celebitchy)

Carmen Electra classes up the joint in her latest Playboy photoshoot. (Best Week Ever)

What fucking female celebrity hasn't tried to be Marilyn Monroe at some point? (Ayyyy!)

Hooray for fart humor! (cityrag)

Get the full list of Golden Globe nominations here! (CelebWarship)

This is coming dangerously close to making me see Lisa Rinna's boobage. (HQ Celeb)

And now, the thrilling conclusion of "Hilary Duff Walks Through A Parking Lot." (usemycomputer)

Here is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Guide to Picking Up Women. (GossipGirls)

Treehugger: (Noun) An environmental campaigner (used in reference to the practice of embracing a tree in an attempt to prevent it from being felled).

You know how I knew the holidays were finally upon us this years? No, not the incessant Christmas music blasting in every godforsaken business or retailer I frequent, or the retarded, garish, giant blow-up Frosty the Snowmans sitting on every other suburban lawn, or even the photo cards with people's stupid kids on them filling up my mailbox. No... Because I didn't really know Christmastime was here until Heidi and Spencer exploited it for a special holiday-themed staged photoshoot!

Boy, as if it didn't suck enough to be a Christmas tree already: getting cut down, robbed of life, and decorated with a bunch of tacky crap until your needles start falling off and you go in the backyard until summer incineration time... But this poor tree has the added humiliation of being molested by Beardy McShitSandwich and Empty Rattle Head McGee on top of everything. Merry effing Christmas!

Hysterical: (Adjective) Extremely funny.

Katy Perry has apologized to Lily Allen for having once described herself as a "fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen" after Lily Allen got pissed off about it earlier this week and basically called Katy Perry a no-talent hack who was manufactured by her record label. Fair enough. Anyway here is her quote-unquote apology:

"I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny," added Perry, who was nominated for a Grammy last week. "I didn't mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously." (Source)

Oh, so Katy Perry is a comedian now, too? So I guess that means all the girls who used to pick on me in middle school were also just comedians; not dumb, catty bitchfaces as I had previously thought. But to be fair, that joke wasn't really "funny ha ha" so much as "funny Katy Perry is still an insufferable asshole and I hope she gets AIDS."

More of Katy Perry being her hilarious self at the Jingle Ball: (She's in a banana suit!!! Get it??)

Bare: (Adjective) Unconcealed; without disguise.

Jennifer Aniston is naked in the January issue of GQ and talking about Angelina Jolie again! It's like two for the price of one!

"The funny thing is that people don't realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends," she snipes. "No. But can you imagine? That'd be hysterical: I've got Zahara on my hip, and Knox...." (Source)

Jennifer Aniston never used to say anything about anything and all of a sudden it seems like she can't stop unburdening her soul with every single thought that pops into her fool head. I blame John Mayer. At any rate, while it's probably a good thing that she's finally growing a backbone, leave it to Jennifer Aniston to ruin a perfectly good naked picture by making "bunny rabbit hands."

Cruelty: (Noun) Behavior that causes pain or suffering to a person or animal.

I didn't think I could possibly hate PETA more than I already did, but that was before they unleashed these photos of Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian onto the world like Godzilla onto a small Japanese metropolis. True, they did pretty much photoshop her into oblivion, and could have probably started out with a photo of John C. Reilly and put in less man hours to achieve the same result -- but still. It's the whole principal of the thing, dammit. Like not wanting to see your grandmother naked even if she is really hot.

I think Dustin just ejaculated all over the internet. (Pajiba)

Meet MTV's newest reality skanks! (Yeeeah!)

Somebody has Tom Cruise's Blackberry. Oh hell yes. I know what I want for Christmas... Leaked anything from that motherloving phone. (The Blemish)

And we can probably expect something along the lines of this. (Agent Bedhead)

Celine Dion upskirt? Oooh yeah, you know you wanna. (Seriously? OMG!)

Marissa Tomei prepared for her stripper role by watching "Rock of Love." Hahaha, good one, Marissa. (Celebitchy)

Aren't there laws against fake gay people adopting children? (Celebslam)

Michael Phleps looks like Jim from "The Office's" retarded little brother. (CelebSmack)

The Roomba is totally the new Segway. (omg blog)

I kept telling you people that Shenae Grimes was a smug little asshole! (Lainey Goss)

Miss: (Noun) A failure to hit, catch, or reach something.

Here is Zooey Deschanel ("the Rich Man's Katy Perry") at the premiere of her new film Yes Man. And you know I love me some Zooey, but just because she's one of my all-time girl crushes doesn't mean I can ignore the all sorts of wrong going on with these pictures. First of all, she looks like someone shot her in the face with Homer Simpson's make-up gun; secondly, she's wearing an ugly, blah dress that fits her like a potato sack and thirdly she's got what appears to be Christmas tree garland in her hair. And fourthy, she's at the premiere of a fucking Jim Carrey movie that she herself stars in. Really?!? Just so you know, there's no shame whatsoever in falling back on your music career.*

*Editor's note: excludes Jared Leto, Paris Hilton, Keanu Reeves, Scarlett Johansson and pretty much any other actor or actress who has tried their hand at music.

Schwing: (Slang) Catchphrase from the Wayne's World franchise; spoken when an attractive female causes one to "pop a boner," often used in reference to Kim Basinger.

Shit! Here are some photos of Kim Basinger at the premiere of her new film, While She Was Out, and is just me or is she still pretty much smoking effing hot? The lady must be well into her fifties by now, but you wouldn't know it. Eat your heart out, Sharon Stone. And when I say "eat your heart out," I mean put on a bra and stop acting like such a crazy skank all the time.

Matronly: (Adjective) Characteristic of a matron, esp. in being dignified and staid and typically associated with having a large or plump build.

Ashlee Simpson made her first post-baby appearance yesterday, and as you can see, motherhood is treating her... Uh, well. Although I don't recall that "new mother glow" usually being so pallid, waxy and bloated. Kind of like a gluttonous vampire. See kids? This is why you don't get your face totally redone when you're like twenty. Because now that her body's changing, it looks like all that cosmetic surgery she got is staging a violent uprising against her face.

You know when it's bad? When Jessica Simpson looks like a normal, natural girl standing next to her:

Stoicism: (Noun) The endurance of pain or hardship without a display of feelings and without complaint.

T.R. Knight, better known as The Gay One Who Got The Black One Fired, has reportedly asked to be written off of "Grey's Anatomy" -- presumably because he's just got so darn much going on. He was in that thing and that other thing, right? No? I got nothin.

Recent reports that Knight has not been attending table-reads for upcoming episodes or that he had walked off the set and cleaned out his dressing room are inaccurate, a rep for Knight tells PEOPLE: “He has been there every day. He was at a table read yesterday. He hasn’t said goodbye to anyone.” The rep had no further comment on his possible exit. (Source)

So nobody can say exactly why he's leaving. There's speculation that he's still got his panties in a wad over the F-word thing, or that his character hasn't been getting those "meaty leading man parts" (zing!) -- but come on. I think we all know the real reason why he's leaving, and it's because Katherine Heigl is an insufferable bitch.

More of T.R. and boyfriend at the Milk premiere: (No, he wasn't in that either.)

"Boston Legal" is as dead at Shatner's wife at the bottom of a swimming pool. And before you get mad about that joke, I totally stole it, so there. (Pajiba)

I love Sara over at Best Week Ever because unlike you people, she understands my compulsion to keep incessantly posting about Heidi and Spencer. (Best Week Ever)

"Katy Perry is a Big-Tittied Hack." That's exactly what I've been saying all along! (Yeeeah!)

Cate Blanchett is dressed up like a Christmas ornament. (The Blemish)

YES! It's the battle of the unwashed grossies! MK vs. Kirsten! (Celebitchy)

Jennifer Lopez's titters are a miracle of science and gravity. (Ayyyy!)

Get lost in the neverending crotch of Hasselhoff. (cityrag)

Clay Aiken and his new boyfriend, sitting in a tree, H-A-V-I-N-G-T-O-N-S-O-F-B-U-T-T-S-E-X. (Seriously? OMG!)

The head Pussycat Tranny's fake tits are spilling out all over the place. (HQ Celeb)

Aubrey O'Day claims and she and her dog are both lesbians. At least half of that statement is complete bullshit. (CelebWarship)

Huh... That is a lot of Jessica Biel. (Popoholic)

Masculine: (Adjective) Having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men, esp. strength and aggressiveness.

Twilight star vamp-tard Robert Pattinson revealed in an interview that his teenage modeling career was ruined because he started getting too "manly" looking. Yes, yes -- that's right. I'll give you a moment while you collect yourselves.

He tells British magazine Closer, "When I first started I was quite tall and looked like a girl, so I got lots of jobs, because it was during that period where the androgynous look was cool. Then, I guess, I became too much of a guy, so I never got any more jobs. I had the most unsuccessful modeling career." (Source)

Well, no wonder he got the part in Twilight, anyways. I know personally, when I think of "goth vampire film adaptation based on a series of books aimed towards pre-teen girls," I think of the Brawny mascot combined with the cowboy from the Village People with the dude from The Cure's hair. You know, basically, unbridled virility.

More of Macho Macho Man with his skanky, dope-smoking co-star:

Idiocy: (Noun) Extremely stupid behavior.

The world just got a little bit dumber, as Underage Vietnamese Boy/Extraterrestrial Hooker Hybrid Tila Tequila has released her literary debut, Hooking Up With Tila Tequila. From what I can gather, hooking up with Tila Tequila requires two steps: #1. Having a set of working genitalia and two legs (or not) and #2. Coming within 500 feet of Tila Tequila. So I don't really know what they filled the rest of that whole book up with. But anyway, on behalf of Google For Dummies, I would just like to say congratulations! You are now no longer the most redundant book ever!

Uncharacteristic: (Adjective) Distinctive and not typical.

The premiere of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button was last night, and Angelina Jolie atypically opted for a long, boring black gown while Brad Pitt decided to go with the "constipated face" look. In more shocking news, I had half a box of wine for dinner last night and stale candy corn for dessert.

Preventive: (Adjective) Designed to keep something undesirable such as illness, harm, or accidents from occurring.

The requirements to be one of Britney Spears' backup dancers just got about as tough as MLB, because her dancers are now all required to submit to drug testing.

"They all had to be drug tested and, if they didn't pass, they were fired," the insider says.

"I don't think it's a common practice, but each artist is different," Baker tells E! News, referring to the drug-testing issue. "Everyone is just trying to safeguard against any foreseeable problems." (Source)

If they really want to safegaurd against any "foreseeable issues" what they really ought to be testing for is vaginal beards, douchey wife-beaters, aspiring rap careers and super powerful sperm conductive to impregnating pop stars. You know what they say, those who ignore history are doomed to have Britney get knocked up by some dumb wigger and go AWOL again for the next four years.

More of Britney pretending not to still be crazy at some Christmas thing last week:

Inexplicable: (Adjective) Unable to be explained or accounted for.

Despite the fact that many retailers are facing difficult times due to the recession, Lindsay Lohan's exorbitantly-priced line of leggings are so popular stores that carry them can still barely keep them on the shleves.

This surprises us not necessarily because Lohan's a celebrity with no design experience but because it's difficult to imagine where demand for her product lies. The most popular style is the Mr. President, which boasts quilted leather knee pads and costs $132. (Source)

I have a hard time imagining anyone over eighteen actually wearing Lindsay Lohan brand leggings, so I'm gonna take a wild shot in the dark that the demand for her product lies within the high school set. Which is just great. I remember being sixteen and begging -- begging -- my parents for a pair of $130 Doc Martin lace-up boots for Christmas, but apparently kids these days are getting $130 blowjob stockings. Although, if they had gotten me blowjob stockings instead maybe I would have been more popular, and in retrospect, wouldn't have needed the combat boots. I guess parents these days just care about their kids a little more than they did when I was in school.

More of Lohan promoting her whore stockings for Nordstrom yesterday:

The director of the Twilight movie got shitcanned. (Pajiba)

Pam Anderson forgot her pants. Again. (Yeeeah!)

Marissa Tomei is 44 and playing a naked stripper. For artistic integrity, I'm sure. (The Blemish)

Awww, hooray! It looks like the Duchovny family is back together! (Seriously? OMG!)

Literally anyone could look like Jessica Alba with the right photoshop artists. (Celebitchy)

Victoria's Secret supermodel Marissa Miller was declared not skanky enough for Playboy magazine. (Celebslam)

Marilyn Manson has found yet another girl in pancake makeup who's too young for him to go out with. (Agent Bedhead)

Uh oh! There's a feud between the stupid drunk slutty one and the stupid fake slutty one. (CelebSmack)

More of super cute, pre-nekkid Emma Watson. (usemycomputer)

Katie Holmes' ex gets dumped by his latest girlfriend. (Lainey Goss)

A "Full House" reunion? Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!! (IBBB)

Jackpot: (Noun) A large prize in a game or lottery.

Great news for all middle-aged, male Harry Potter fans who live in their parents basements! Emma Watson isn't opposed to doing nudity! WOOO!

“Yes,” she says, when asked the nudity question by Britains's Sunday Times. “For Bernardo Bertolucci. It... depends. I’m not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job.” (Source)

There you have it. With Harry Potter waving his wiener around like it's going out of style and Hermione pretty much making a verbal commitment, all we need is Ron Weasley to complete the naked Harry Potter trifecta. If anyone would be into that sort of thing, anyway. But hell, if there's people in the world who get off to freaky shit like corpses and animals, I'm sure somebody would want to see a gay ginger wizard naked.

More of Hermione flirting with a midget in a mouse costume at the The Tale Of Despereaux premiere:

Unabashed: (Adjective) Not embarrassed, disconcerted, or ashamed.

With the holidays now upon us; 'tis the season for Hollywood's lesser known Scientologists to come out of hiding for some fruity Scientology Christmas Pageant that they hold every year. For example, while I knew Jason Lee was a Xenu freak, I had no idea those other two dudes from that "Earl" show were. Good to know!

More of the veritable array of Scientology A-listers, including David Carradine, Jenna Elfman, that chick from "That 70's Show," that other chick who had a promising career like eight years ago before she became a Scientologist, "Pedro" from Napolean Dynamite and a few other losers who I kind of recognize but not really:

Humiliation: (Noun) The state of feeling ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect, esp. publicly.

Jessica Simpson spent yet another live show yammering on and on about Tony Romo at a Christmas concert in San Antonio this weekend.

Switching gears to talk about Romo, whom she never mentioned by name, Simpson said: "You know, I've got a cowboy, only my cowboy is a little bit different. I wrote this song for my cowboy - it's called 'Come On Over.' I can't help it. I want him all the time." (Source)

 You know who it must really suck to be? Tony Romo. In fact, out of all the current and former NFL players, I can't think of a single one who it sucks to be right now more than Tony Romo. Sorry OJ, you're just going to have to try a little harder next time for it to suck the most to be you.

More of Jessica and her crappy dog hawking her crappy perfume at Macy's this weekend:

Pitiful: (Adjective) Deserving or arousing pity.

New details are emerging about Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin's divorce, and apparently it has something to do with she and her husband being dirt poor and living off of "Full House" residuals while he refused to get a job. Because I guess her job was showing up at D-List Hollywood events and giving interviews to "Extra" or whatever.

"Our house is in foreclosure, our water has been shut off twice. Currently, all of our other utilities are overdue," the actress says in papers filed Nov. 19 in an Orange County, Calif., court, describing the 16-month union as "rocky."

Herpin, a driver and transportation coordinator in the film industry, stopped working after they got married, Sweetin alleges. "[He] kept finding one excuse after another for his failure to even attempt to find employment," she says. (Source)

There you have it folks: The glamorous life of a former child star. Oh, unless you mean child stars like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen who starred alongside Sweetin on "Full House" and are now snorting their drugs through platinum, diamond-encrusted coke straws. In that case I mean "glamorous" in the less facetious, more literal sense of the word.

More of Stephie Tanner at the 15th Annual "Lint Roller" party last month: (I'm not making that up, that's really what it was called.)

"God, why did you take the other brother?" AKA, an "According to Jim" review. (Pajiba)

Keri Russell looks like one of those skanks from American Apparel. (The Blemish)

A Rod gives a status update on his relationship with Madonna, like anyone gives a shit about them. (Yeeeah!)

Alyson Hannigan Bump Watch! (Seriously? OMG!)

OJ Simpson finally got his prison sentence. (Celebitchy)

If you haven't seen it yet, here is the dog saving the dog video. (Best Week Ever)

Why is Priscilla Presley attacking the chipmunk kid from "American Idol?" (Ayyyy!)

Take a trip down Britney's Ass Memory Lame. (cityrag)

Oh, nice. The guy who staples his buttcheeks together is going to be on "Dancing with the Stars." (CelebWarship)

What in the effing eff is Mary Kate Olsen wearing now? (BricksAndStones)

Damns... I would have put money on K Fed as the first of Britney's former husbands to get jail time. (POTP)

The Pussycat Dolls try their darndest to prove they're not trannies. (HQ Celeb)

The new "Friday the 13th" trailer is online. Hmm... Needs more Padalecki, if you ask me. (Popoholic)

Sham: (Noun) A person who pretends to be someone or something they are not.

Aww, how cute. Paris Hilton went out for a painfully obvious photo op shopping yesterday with her newly reality show-appointed BFF Brittany Flickinger, acting like Brittany isn't contractually obligated against making direct eye contact or standing a minimum of 15 feet from her as soon as those cameras go away. Although, in many schools of thought, those things could actually be seen as the "perks" of being BFF with Paris Hilton.

Vomitous: (Adjective) Of something which is extremely nauseating and barf-inducing.

I never thought I'd say this, but I think even I'm starting to get Heidi and Spencer'ed out after the past week. So now that the inevitable staged candid photos from their Totally 100% Fake Honeymoon have finally showed up on the internet, I can barely even muster a reaction other than vomiting into my trashcan. And let me tell you, Heidi and Spencer vomit is the worst kind of vomit. The only way I could possibly imagine there being a more unpleasant taste in my mouth right now would be if I literally made out with Spencer Pratt with a mouthful of dog shit.

What's with Heidi sticking her butt out all over the place? They call that "presenting" in the animal kingdom.

Gloat: (Verb) To dwell on another's misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure.

Nicole Richie is reportedly "thrilled" that Paris Hilton is no longer dating Benji Madden. Well, duh. Of course she is.

"She never thought Paris was ever really into" Benji, the twin brother of her baby daddy, Joel. And she may be right! Four days after dumping the Good Charlotte rocker, the hotel heiress was seen sneaking into L.A.'s Koi restaurant for a quiet dinner with her Greek shipping heir ex-boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos!

"She was trying to fly below the radar and left alone about 30 minutes later," says another source. Meanwhile, Nicole is telling Benji that he "deserves better." (Source)

That's kind of redundant. Who doesn't deserve better than Paris Hilton? That's like telling a guy he deserves better than to be kicked repeatedly in the balls for the rest of his life. Which is incidentally pretty much the closest thing I can equate being in a relationship with Paris Hilton to.

More of Nicole and Joel at the UNICEF Snowflake Lighting:

Affordable: (Adjective) Inexpensive; reasonably priced.

I had no idea Scarlett Johansson was such a huge fan of J. Crew. That's totally my fave store, too! And like me I can see she's also a huge fan of their moderately-priced, airy, poplin dresses and brightly colored, adorned silk peep-toe heels. It's just like the Us Magazine says: Stars, they really are just like us!

More of Catalog Girl and Eva Mendes at The Spirit launch party:

Facade: (Noun) An outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality.

Katy Perry defends her image to the upcoming issue of Page Six magazine. Yeah, you know, her "image." The one that was mostly meticulously and painstakingly fabricated by record label marketing execs? That'd be the one.

On her own experiences kissing a girl:
“[I’ve done it] many times, in several different situations. I was living with my best friend for a while, and we were drunk and we made out. I love a beautiful woman, I’m not afraid to say it.”

On her fashion sense:
“I’m definitely going to be on the worst-dressed lists, but I just want to have fun. I don’t take my life too seriously.”

On her bold attitude and lyrics that have garnered controversy:
“As much as I am cheeky and full of opinions, essentially I know what I’m doing. I don’t censor myself, but I do think about everything. And I feel I’ve got a good head on my shoulders.”

I don't know, to Katy's credit, I'm a critical and overtly mean-spirited gossip blogger, and I wouldn't personally think to put her on any worst-dressed lists. "Most Annoying" lists, maybe. And don't forget the "Biggest Poser," "Fakest Bisexual" and "Suckiest, Stupid Asshole" lists... But worst-dressed? Ehh, probably not.

To the untrained ear, Britney Spear's new album pretty much... Blows. (Pajiba)

Holly Madison is beautiful, dammit. (IDLYITW)

Jamie Lynn Spears having lipo while she was pregnant is one of those stories I would normally immediately dismiss. Except, oh yeah, she's a Spears. (Yeeeah!)

Paris Hilton has a new BFF, and the world collectively doesn't give a shit. (The Blemish)

Corey Haim's engagement to some skank has been called off. NO! (Seriously? OMG!)

Celine Dion has a frozen embryo waiting. What you didn't know is that it's still inside of her body. (Celebitchy)

Carnie Wilson is a great innovator (Celebslam)

This is the biggest compliment that's been paid to Winehouse in ages. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennifer Aniston says the mother-eff word, and my opinion of her just slightly improved. (CelebSmack)

Milla Jovovich turns up at Spike TV's Scream Awards. (usemycomputer)

Blah blah blah, Grammy nominations, blah blah blah. (popbytes)

Now the common person can be gaunt and sickly looking -- just like Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna! (Lainey Goss)

Bizarro: (Adjective) Beyond bizarre; very strange or unusual.

I get a lot of stuff from PR agencies sent to me, because apparently they mistake me for some kind of influential, respected pillar of the online journalism community. At any rate, this was by far the strangest thing that has ever passed through my inbox, and I couldn't help sharing it. Here was the caption that came along with the above image:

Pharmaceutical Billionaire Stewart Rahr was surprised in his office with a visit today by Regis and Joy Philbin. Regis took a tour of Stewart’s factory and loaded up on shaving cream, cosmetics, and cologne, but Rahr refused payment. When he returned to his office he found that Regis had hid $400 under his keyboard….thanks Reg!

My favorite part is the "Thanks, Reg!" I showed the photo to my boyfriend last night and read the caption aloud and had tears running down my face by the time I got to that part. (OK, so I might have been a little drunk, too.) Regis Philbin is pretty much instant comedy (second only to Richard Simmons) but beyond that -- seriously, what the hell is going on here? Why did the sender feel the need to photoshop the background? Poorly? I mean, the background is literally overlapping the foreground in some parts. That's not even a rookie mistake. In fact, the only viable excuse for this mistake would be if Regis Philbin himself photoshopped this picture. Incredible.

Editor's note: I even made this picture my wallpaper. I'm not even joking.

Dumbass: (Noun) A stupid and/or brainless person.

Kid Rock is pissed. No, not the kind of pissed that causes him to, say, break out into fisticuffs at a Waffle House; but the kind of pissed that makes him take up the pen so to speak. On his website, Mr. Rock expresses his outrage at not being allowed to serve his 80 hours of community service performing for the troops.

"I really take it as a slap in the face, and really have trouble thinking of a better way to 'serve the community,'" Rock (real name: Robert J. Ritchie) writes on his Web site.

"Apparently he thinks it's more important that I do something else rather than sing, shake hands, take pictures and spend time with the men and women who put themselves in harm's way to protect the very freedom he and all of us live by," he adds. (Source)

I'll tell ya... These judges and their crazy ideas about it being "more important" that you fill your community service doing something that you wouldn't already be doing if you weren't being punished. But if community service was supposed to be fun, they wouldn't call it "community service." They'd probably call it something like "Community Fun Time" or "Community Waffle House." At any rate Kid Rock, shut your fucking face, put on an orange jumpsuit and clean up my highway, bitch.

More of the Waffle Bruiser at the TRL finale:

Cutting Edge: (Noun) The latest stage in the development of something.

Britney Spears' video for the song "Circus" has been leaked on the interwebs, and I don't want to give anything away, but -- spoiler alert! -- she gyrates in a lot of sheer, nude-colored outfits covered in sparkly stuff. So it looks like she's naked and covered in glitter, but she's totally not! You see, it's innovative in that it's been at least two videos since she's worn an outfit like this. Britney couldn't push the envelope any more at this point if she sent it hurtling down a flight on stairs and broke its neck.

Britney at the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting earlier this week:

Transmogrification: (Noun) A transformation in a surprising or magical manner.

Madonna is seen here posing for one of a new series of Louis Vuitton ads, photographed by Steven Meisel, who shot her controversial 1992 Sex book. Additionally, it was retouched by a graphic artist using the new Photoshop CS4's "Hop Into a Fucking Time Machine and Find a Younger Version of Madonna" filter.

For comparison, 2008's Madonna:

Brainwash: (Verb) To make someone adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure.

With her daughter just married -- sort of -- you'd think Heidi Montag's mother would be bursting with joy. Yeah, she gives it six months. Also she thinks it's the biggest mistake Heidi has ever made and thinks that maybe she was drugged. Oh, the loving words of a parent:

"He's manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged."

"Spencer has tried to cut everyone out of her life," Egelhoff tells Us. "I've been honest with Heidi, and it's caused our relationship to decline. I'm more devastated about that than the marriage, because I'm confident the marriage won't work out." (Source)

I hate to break it to Heidi's mom, but I don't think Heidi is, how shall we say, the type of girl who needs to be drugged to be tricked into anything. A stick with something sparkly dangling from the end, maybe. He probably could have used something like that. It's called a "Cat Wand" and you can get them from almost any pet store for like ten dollars.

More of Frick and Frack showing off their bling which I can't see but am definitely almost sure are tacky at the 4th Annual "Road To A Cure" Gala earlier this week:

Guess who Hollywood's secret Republicans are? (Pajiba)

Who wants to see AnnaLynne McCord's pussy? (Seriously? OMG!)

Just when you think Jessica Simpson can't sink any lower... Two words: Bingo Hall. (Yeeeah!)

Miley Cyrus wants to be emaciated. No wait, the other one where she thinks it's legal to bang her 20-year-old boyfriend. (The Blemish)

No Pete, a "happy accident" is when you wander into the wrong men's restroom in a public park in the middle of the night. (Celebitchy)

I HAS A SAXOPHONE! I HAS A SAXOPHONE! AHHHH!!!!!! (Best Week Ever)

ScarJo is hopping on the high-waisted bandwagon. (Ayyyy!)

I'm feeling really immature today and this bronze thing that separates the butt cheeks made me laugh way harder than it should have. (cityrag)

Amy Winehouse's husband being back in jail is the least surprising thing since Amy Winehouse being back in the hospital. (CelebWarship)

K Fed is totally buying these with his next child support check. (omg blog)

Scholarly: (Adjective) Involving or relating to serious academic study.

According to this month's Marie Claire, Jessica Simpson might actually be looking to combine her love of religion with her love of... Not excelling at things. That's right, folks! The Queen of Stupidity has aspirations of pursuing a higher education!

“I’ve been contemplating taking a college course in religion,” she tells the magazine. “I love religion. I remember whenever the book The Da Vinci Code came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times.” (Source)

The first thing to remember when contemplating studying college-level "religion" is not to let big, fancy, college words like "theology" hold you down. So yeah: when I hear the words "Jessica Simpson" and "college," I think: "Bad Jessica Simpson Straight-to-DVD Legally Blonde Rip-off Movie with the Word 'Blonde' in the Title Nonetheless."

Open Book: (Noun) A person or thing that is easily understood or interpreted.

With all the attention surrounding his ex-wife these days, Kevin Federline has conveniently decided to come forth and tell the truth about his marriage and subsequent divorce to Britney Spears. Basically how he used her, impregnated her, milked her for all she was worth and then left her a shivering  pile of crazy on the side of the road? No, that would be the truth truth! This is just the fake truth for People magazine. Here are some choice snippets:

I met her at a club in Hollywood, Joseph's. Our eyes met and that was it. We just hit it off right away. I learned real fast how much of a whirlwind the press and everything was.

My first question to [my lawyer] was, "Am I ever going to be able to see my children?" I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered.

That's the mother of my children. Just because I'm not in love with her doesn't mean that I don't love her. I'm definitely rooting for her. There's nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do. (Source)

So in conclusion, the Kevin Federline that Kevin Federline wants you to know is a guy who thought that the press probably wouldn't make a huge, enormous, Earth-shattering deal that he ran off with Britney Spears; and is a fiercely protective father bear who wants nothing but health, success and happiness for the mother of his children. Well, that last part is right anyway. If Britney stayed crazy, how on Earth would he be able to get his Bentley solid-gold plated, be able to build a swimming pool next to his swimming pool? A guy's got to make a living, you know.

Fertile: (Adjective) Of a person or animal able to conceive young.

Yesterday there were rumors flying around on the internet that Mary Kate Olsen was pregnant because she supposedly looked less emaciated than usual (I don't see it) and that her weight allegedly jumped up to a whopping one-oh-two. Not making that last part up.

Despite a recent National Enquirer report stating otherwise, Mary-Kate Olsen is not expecting her first child. "Mary-Kate is absolutely not pregnant," her rep told Usmagazine.com on Tuesday.

According to the paper, rumors sparked that 22-year-old Full House alum was pregnant when her weight shot up to 102 pounds. (Source)

I saw those rumors yesterday, but you know how I knew Mary Kate Olsen wasn't pregnant? No, not her negative BMI. And not the fact that she probably hasn't even had her period in like four years. Nope: her face. Her awful, awful face. It looks like a Cheshire Cat face. So in order for Mary Kate to get pregnant, some guy would actually have to look that Tim Burton creation in the eyes and say, "Yeah! I wants to bang that." It's just not happening, people. It's practically a science.

More of MK and her sister promoting that stupid coffee table book last month:

Prelapse: (Noun) The precursor to a relapse.

Britney Spears celebrated her 27th birthday last night at New York City's Club Tenjune, just having a good time and letting it all hang out. Get it? Because her tits are falling out of her dress! Ha ha ha!

Seriously, though. I hope everyone is happy. Oh, let's put lipstick on the crazy pig and throw her back out in the spotlight. Give her a VMA, her own documentary, television performances, a new album and a world tour. I'm sure she'll practically be OK with that and almost definitely won't have another one of her psychotic episodes. Well, lookie here, people. The tits are out. Any minute now she'll be shaving her head, banging stalkerazzi and talking in a British accent. I hope you're all really fucking proud of yourselves.

But on a purely selfish note? Britney is back, bitches! Yesssssssss! If you squint you can kind of see areolas in these:

Mustachioed: (Adjective) Having a mustache, especially a luxuriant one.

Brad Pitt has been sporting a lip caterpillar recently for his role in Inglourious Basterds, and he must be having some trouble separating fiction from reality or something because he's starting to have delusions of grandeur about that thing. He wants to bring them back in style. Ugh, can you even believe that?

"That's my goal," the actor, 44, told Extra. at the Monday screening of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in New Orleans. "I don't think 'staches are respected enough."

Added Pitt: "It's political. It's a political statement." (Source)

I kissed a dude one time who had a mustache and it kinda tickled. Tickled my gag reflex. Mustaches are disgusting, and anyone who says otherwise is a lying asshole. And if Brad Pitt wants to bring back the mustache, well then? You sir, are my sworn enemy. And I will fight this cause until my dying breath.

More of Angelina and Turin at a Changeling photocall:

2008's Best Nudie Scenes feature a bunch of washed-up actresses in movies you've never heard of. (Pajiba)

Scarlett finally gets rid of that awful bleached look. (Seriously? OMG!)

Kirsten Dunst says she has a stalker. Yeah right -- I'll believe it when he kidnaps and murders her. (Yeeeah!)

Meanwhile, Avril Lavigne got harassed by some dude. Man, somebody has it out for snaggletooth blonde celebrities who suck. (Celebitchy)

Britney Spears performed and celebrated her birthday on GMA this morning and I can't bring myself to give a shit. (The Blemish)

And on a related note, Britney is going on tour, just to make sure she loses her fucking marbles again. (popbytes)

Yup... No doubt about it. Eva Longoria is definitely preggers this time. (Celebslam)

See? It's not Sienna Miller's fault she's a homewrecker. (Agent Bedhead)

Meg Ryan wins something; is disappointed that she can't inject her prize into her face. (Film Experience)

Lohan is totally pissed off with Facebook. (CelebSmack)

Lindsay Weir photoshoot! (usemycomputer)

If Brangelina hit the red carpet and nobody cares, do they even make a sound? (Lainey Goss)

What's black and white and red all over? Hee hee hee. I love immature jokes. (IBBB)

Hot Potato: (Noun) An issue or situation that is awkward or unpleasant to deal with.

Paris Hilton is having some problems with her second pop album, the follow-up to her 2006 self-titled debut. Namely, she can't find a self-respecting record label on planet Earth to release it.

The LP reached number six on the U.S. Billboard chart, but sold only 180,000 copies in America. She subsequently parted ways with Warner Bros. Hilton has finished recording a second album, but currently has no record deal in place to release the follow-up.

She says, "I'm figuring it out right now. I'm not sure which label I'm doing it with. I wrote all the songs, it's very dance, like Kylie Minogue." (Source)

You know what I love more than Paris Hilton jokes that write themselves? Nothing. Not ice cream, not boxed wine, not puppy dogs or beating a level on Super Mario. At any rate, Paris Hilton is such a pariah, if she were a flaming bag of poo nobody would even stamp her out. Zing!

More of Paris and her fake hair looking extra skanky shilling her Fairy Crust stank:

Scandal: (Noun) Rumor or malicious gossip about such events or actions.

The Gay Jonas Brother's girlfriend Camilla Belle and Twilight Douchevamp Robert Pattinson were reportedly seen -- get this -- having lunch together at a bakery in Venice, California over the weekend. Oh, and if you think Robert open and closed Camilla's car door for her; well, you better believe he did.

I, for one, am shocked. Seriously, it took a normal, functioning girl, what, like a whole week to move on from the Gay Jonas Brother? Even I would choose that Twilight asshole over The Gay Jonas Brother. Of course, I would also choose gnawing my arm off at the elbow over the Gay Jonas Brother. There's only so much discussion about hair product a girl can take.

More of Eyebrows Mallone at the Twilight premiere. Dun dun DUN! The plot thickens!

Ruse: (Noun) An action intended to deceive someone; a trick.

Gorton's Fisherman Beardface and The Amazing Chin returned from their fakelopement and shamoneymoon last night still acting like the whole entire thing wasn't a big fakey fake for their stupid TV show.

During The Hills live post-show interview at 10:30 EST, Spencer called in to answer why they took the plunge. "Hello. What led to it? The fact that I have been trying this for two and a half years now. It came out of nowhere, it was my shot," he said. "We thought, 'let's do it'. We were chillin' on the beach with Patron margaritas on the rocks talking about how much we love one another, there was a chapel in the neighborhood, we thought, 'let's do it!'" (Source)

If this story is even remotely true, (it's not) then it would only prove one of two things. One being that there is no God, and two being that there is a God, and it is a cruel, malevolent God. Because if a benevolent God existed then He would have used His supreme powers at the mercy of mankind by sending forth a mighty tidal wave to knock that smarmy motherfucker's Patron margarita right down his stupid throat before violently drowning his ass.

More of Frick and Frack at the airport returning from their fake wedding and fake honeymoon:

Copycat: (Noun) A person who copies another's behavior, dress, or ideas.

Hey guys, I'm finally back! I hope you didn't miss me too much, but even bloggers need vacations too. And by "vacation" I mean "moving the last of my shit out of the ex-boyfriend's place" and "visiting an assload of relatives." So yeah: totally relaxing.

One other thing I did over the long weekend was watch the MTV Britney Spears "For the Record" documentary. Or 15 minutes of it, anyway, which was as far as I could get of Britney reading from a script about how she totally wasn't crazy but just fell in with some bad people and is all better now before I turned that horseshit off. Whatever Britney. Maybe you can convince everyone else that you're not and were never crazy but I still remember to back in the days that you were painting the town red in your old wedding dress and being forcibly hauled off to the looney bin.

At any rate, here is Britney performing at the German Bambi awards this weekend. Nice outfit, but it totally annoyed the crap out of me better when Madonna wore it every single time she's performed in the past six months. Plus she clearly doesn't even have the glutes or veins to fill it out. Sad, really.