Sham Marriage: (Noun) A union motivated not so much by love but instead by a desire for political or professional advantage or personal convenience.

Well, despite what I said yesterday, it turns out Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt actually did take their retarded whatever you call it "relationship" to the next level by eloping down in Cabos.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always." (Source)

Well good thing he decided to grow out his neat-o Gorton's Fisherman Beard for the blessed event, anyway. You know, I always thought when the two of them got married they would do it somewhere out in public in broad daylight and only send invitations to every paparazzi in the world, but Us Weekly must have shelled out big bucks for exclusive rights. What I want to know is, why Mexico? Either that must make it easier for their quickie Tijuana divorce or Spencer Pratt is somehow prohibited from marrying in the lower 48 states. Can they take away your right to marry a lady for kiddie pron charges or animal sex? Just a guess.

The eyes! Don't look right at the eyes! There is nothing behind them at all: