Jealousy Card (Noun) A cool little trick whereby you fill your vagina with multiple penises in order to win back the favor of your favorite penis.

Alanis Morissette, who would totally be my girl crush if I were gay (do the math on that one, haters) admitted this week that she used the old-fashioned method for getting over her break-up with Ryan Reynolds: She fucked everything that walked upright, including an old grandfather clock (it was dark, and she forgot her glasses);

"All my life I've been in long-term monogamous relationships. I had to break that pattern by not allowing myself to have a relationship for a year, stopping myself from committing to men. I haven't been celibate. I've had lots of dates and lots of sex, but I haven't been pushing to turn a date into a relationship. This has been a huge thing for me."

You see what she's doing here, don't you? She's playing the jealousy card. She knows if Ryan reads about her having "lots of sex," that he won't be able to stand it. That he can feel it when she's scratching her nails down another man's back. That he can't stomach the thought of her being with another man. With other men. With a Canadian football team of wild stallions. That the thought of her replacing him would be too much to bear and he'd have no choice but to dump ScarJo and return to the warm, loving embrace of Alanis (now with 30 pounds more warmth!).

Oh, a guy can dream, can't he?