Guess which famous housewife isn't getting enough at home? (The Blemish)

Blech. This is the hairiest asscrack I've seen that wasn't attached to a pair of balls. (Yeeeah!)

Mariah Carey wearing an outfit made of sausage casing? Must be Monday! (HQ Celebrity)

Courtney Love finally realizes full life potential. (Celebslam)

Sharon Osbourne's precious Meeeennie is going to be pooping on the marble floors of doggy heaven. (Seriously? OMG!)

Fox News shows <strike>un</strike>characteristically poor decorum in reporting supermodel Ruslana Korshunova’s apparent suicide. (Celebitchy)

Another round of guess the celebrity ass. (Agent Bedhead)

Pamela Anderson calls Jessica Simpson a whore. Coming from an actual whore though, I'm pretty sure that's a friendly gesture. (IDLYITW)

Here's a fantabulous idea: Britney Spears might be headlining the VMAs! (Bricks And Stones)

If you've been stranded on a dessert island all weekend -- WALL-E was, uh, good. (Pajiba)

Second Coming: (Noun) The prophesied return of Christ to earth at the Last Judgment.

Because apparently Christian music doesn't already suck enough, in an interview with USA Today, Heidi Montag says that she wants to record a Christian album because she has always had a "crazy connection to God." I guess no one told her that God hates famewhores.

However, when questioned about decidedly un-Christian behavior, such as spreading rumors of  a Lauren Conrad sex tape -- Heidi reasonably compares herself to Jesus Christ:

God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn't matter to me.

So to recap: Jesus Christ was persecuted because of his religious beliefs. Heidi Montag is persecuted because she's a stupid whore who everyone hates. That's practically the same thing, right? Because hey, if it means we can crucify her, I'm all for that. I've got a brand new dress hanging in the closet, just waiting for a good old fashioned crucifixin' to wear it to. You bring the giant nails and wooden cross; I'll bring the potato salad!

Here are some photos of Heidi not wearing makeup, just like Jesus:

Suffocate: (Verb) Figuratively, to feel or cause to feel trapped and oppressed.

Everything seems to be going smoothly between John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, who spent the past week accompanying John in the UK during a few stops of his summer tour. However friends are starting to worry that "Clingy Jen" may be rearing her insecure head.

That might just be OK with beau John Mayer. “He puts on this act in his blog but he likes being followed around and all of the attention. He’s a typical rock star that way. Jen feeds right into it,” said a source who knows Mayer.

Will it last? “They’re really into each other. John’s definitely different with her than he’s been with other girls, so maybe,” said the Mayer source. (Source)

Just wait til he realizes that there's a difference between "fun, puppy-dog, ego-stroking" clingy and "scouring your hard drive for photos of ex-girlfriends and evidence that you've looked at internet porn" clingy. The latter is decidedly less sexy. And also illegal, so I'm told, if you're having some "time off" and said scouring said hard drive involves some minor "B and E."

Jen photographing John from side stage at a concert in Hyde Park -- or as I like to call it, "stalkering practice."

Crazy Birthday: (Exclamation) Greeting you wish to a mentally deranged person on their special day.

Our favorite mentally retarded person, Juliette Lewis turned 35 this weekend, and we here at WIMB would like to send our best wishes. Here's to 35 more cake-snarling birthdays!

Scientologize: (Verb) The process of converting a person into Scientology.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, who are totally not Scientologists -- why would you ever think such a thing -- are funding an elementary school which just happens to incorporate the teaching methods of L. Ron Hubbard, as well as employ church members for teachers. Apparently to prove how totally secure they are with their non-Scientologyhood.

A Hubbard-influenced teaching method called study technology will be applied. It focuses on hands-on experience, mastering a subject before moving on and not reading past words students don't understand.

Among the reading, writing and 'rithmatic classes, the curriculum includes living skills, robotics, yoga, etiquette and technology. The school also has a no-sugar policy and encourages parents to limit their children's television time. (Source)

And the best part is the school is nondenominational, so that means anyone can attend! Even Will and Jada's kids! Actually, non-Scientologist kids are especially encouraged to join. Don't worry though, they promise not to brainwash them. And anyway, kids are almost impossible to influence, right? Especially ones that have been deprived of sugar and TV. Their heads will be too clear to do anything stupid like renounce knowing their families for a Snickers fun size bar.

More of the non-Scientologists at the concert for Nelson Mandela this weekend:

Asshole: (Noun) An irritating or contemptible person.

In spite of recent health scares, Amy Winehouse performed at the Glastonbury Festival over the weekend. Always a crowd pleaser, Amy kicked off the show by spitting her gum into the crowd -- classy! Then later in her set, for reasons not entirely clear, she got into a physical altercation with a fan; first elbowing and then punching the individual. (As seen in the above clip.)

You know, this whole time I think I've really been wrong about old Amy Winehouse. Here I've been thinking she was this cautionary tale of the dangers of fame and misguided substance abuse. But now I'm just starting to think she really is just a total, lowlife piece of shit. Just a real, Grade A scumbag. Boy, am I so not going to feel as bad when she eventually dies of like scurvy or something.

More of Lady Winehouse in all her spitting, boob finagling glory at the Glastonbury Fest:

Finally, Dustin wants to eff something other than Ryan Reynolds. (Pajiba)

David Beckham is confounded by the appeal of his ginormous underpants monkey. (The Blemish)

Aww, Mel Gibson tried to fix Britney up with his loser kid. (Celebitchy)

Amy Winehouse tell Nelson Mandela to go fuck himself. More or less. (Yeeeah!)

It was nonstop drama in Jamie Lynn's delivery room. (Celebslam)

Uma Thurman gets proposed to with a 8+ carat diamond surrounded by 20 smaller stones. Note to self: find Swiss multimillionaire boyfriend. (Bricks and Stones)

OH EM GEE. Lindsay Lohan has an illegitimate secret sister! (CelebritySmack)

Contrary to popular belief, Summer Glau is fantastic in any season. (HQ Celebrity)

Going by what is now known as the "Gigli Theorem," Madonna and Guy never stood a chance after Swept Away. (Seriously? OMG)

Compulsion: (Noun) An irresistible urge to behave or performs actions in a certain way against one's conscious wishes.

Regular readers may have noticed a little pattern around here by now. I post entries about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, you guys leave comments that say "Please stop writing about these people" and I continue to post about them anyway.

But just so you know that I'm not the only one sickly obsessed with them, check out David Letterman's interview with Mary Kate Olsen last night. Letterman, as you may know, had Spencer on the show recently, and incredulously skewered him for five minutes. So naturally, when Letterman speaks to Mary Kate, he's less interested in her new film The Wackness, and more interested about the fact that she went to high school with Spencer Pratt. After he gets her to admit that he's "wormy" and that he had a bad temper during soccer, she kind of stops responding to him while he continues to interrogate her about what a turd he is anyway. And yes, it is awesome. (5:00 into the clip.)

Mary Kate, for her part, has a good sense of humor about it, and laughs it off. Side note: anyone else think it's weird to hear her speak? She's pretty annoying in a hippy-dippy way, but kind of funny at the same time. Hmm. The jury's still out on this one.

Anyway, here she is on her way into the studio showing off her cute little gams:

Gift Whore: (Noun) A gift of inferior quality or suspicious intentions, which should be accepted uncritically despite reservations: "Don't look a gift whore in the mouth."

Paris Hilton is said to have made an "extremely generous" donation to the Childrens Hospital of Los Angeles yesterday, towards a new cancer center to be opened in 2010. This comes after her Larry King appearance last year when she claimed she wanted to "help raise money for kids and for breast cancer, multiple sclerosis."

"The children I have met through my involvement with Childrens Hospital have truly touched my heart," Hilton said in a statement. "I am proud to make a donation and lend my name to the fundraising effort to help children who are facing terribly serious illnesses." (Source)

Oookay. Now I'm all for helping kids with cancer as much as anyone -- but seriously, what's the catch? That was an entire year ago, literally to this day, that she said she supposedly wanted to turn over a new leaf. What was the holdup? Did someone suddenly get a visit from the Whores of Christmas past, present and future? I know somebody else who does nice things for people seemingly for no reason -- and his name is Satan. And he will come to collect on your ass.

It's gonna take a lot more convincing than that, Mother Theresa:

Old Spice (Noun) A masculine blend of sweat, gasoline, and animal blood, it is the surest way to snag the hottest chick at the bowling alley.

All right: Putting aside the overpowering putridity of Old Spice, I gotta hand it to the advertising folks for the company, who have put together two of the better commercials in recent history. But, which is better? The Neil Patrick Harris Old Spice commercial (above), or Bruce Campbell's (below)? It's an impossible question.

Dignity: (Noun) A sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.

Although Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling have signed onto the CW's "90210" spin-off, Luke Perry is making it clear that he has no plans to reprise his role as Dylan McKay.

“I can’t re-imagine it currently,” Perry told The Billy Bush Show Thursday. “It’s just not something that I’ve thought about to be quite honest,” Perry revealed. “I don’t see it happening.” As for his former castmates Spelling and Garth, “I wish them a lot of luck. I hope they have a lot of success with it,” Perry said. (Source)

If that wasn't abundantly clear, here's a helpful celebrity translation for you:

"I can’t re-imagine it currently."
Are you fucking kidding me?

“It’s just not something that I’ve thought about to be quite honest."
No seriously, dude. I oughta punch you in the face for even asking such a stupid question.

“I don’t see it happening.”
If I was that hard up for cash, I would sooner sell my used chewing gum on ebay.

“I wish them a lot of luck. I hope they have a lot of success with it.”
See you ladies on next season of "Skating with Celebrities!"

With former co-star Jennie Garth at "Chevy Rocks the Future" in February:

Crocs (Noun) Hideous but revolutionary shoes made of Croslite polyurethane—an antimicrobial resin that (contrary to anecdotal evidence) resists odor. The classic clog is made several colors with and without holes and with and without straps.

When crocs are acceptable: If you're a middle-aged housewife who also wears curlers in her hair to the supermarket; if you're a child aged 12 and under; mowing the lawn; going to Wal-Mart if you're the sort of person that calls it Wal-Marts; if you're going to the zoo; for blogging, but only if no one ever knows; to a swimming pool, if the swimming pool is in your back yard; or, if you wear them ironically to a black-tie event.

When crocs are unacceptable: When you're rich; when you're a rock star; when you're male; when you're 60 or over; when you're wrote a song called "Dude Looks Like a Lady," or when you're motherfucking Steven Tyler. Tyler just lost what's left of his respect faster than a Spears girl lays a fertilized egg.

It just ain't right. 

Wall-E (Pixar Film) Best reviewed film of the year so far, about a robot stranded on Earth. 

Just think: If you had one of these, you'd be watching Wall-E right now.

Res ipsa Loquitur (Expression) A term from the Latin meaning literally, "the thing itself speaks" but is more often translated "the thing speaks for itself."

The poster for Rob Zombie's 2009 release, Tyrannosaurus Rex, manages to say everything, yet nothing at all. I don't care for Zombie as a director, but based on this poster alone, I'd go see this movie.

Unholy: (Adjective) Not holy; unconsecrated; sinful or wicked.

Now I'm as big a fan of Tiffany "New 'Hot Mess' York" Pollard as anyone, but something just seems so wrong about this. Hasn't the memory of Marilyn Monroe been desecrated enough without having to be associated with the stank of menthol cigarettes commingling with Vaseline? But I guess if you consider the alternative -- which would be exhuming Marilyn's mummified corpse, outfitting it with a weave, acrylic nails fake boobs, Snuffalupagus eyelashes and sticking her in "I Love New York III: Weekend at Bernie's Style" -- maybe this isn't so bad after all.

Judy Garland on the other hand... Eh, I can see the resemblance:

When your daughter is flashing her flesh for the pages of Maxim, is it a good idea to tag along and watch? Beats me. Ask Hulk Hogan. (Celebslam)

More on the Hulk/Brooke creepiness: She describes her ass as "an old car." (Celebitchy)

NPH, proving how absolutely fantastic he is, reprises his role as Doogie Howser. (Seriously? OMG!)

The Crue kickstarts some hearts on David Letterman. (Celebrity Smack)

Another valuable lesson from Abby: Don't fuck with Southerners. Amen, and pass the ammo. (Yeeeah!)

And speaking of Amens: Is John Mayer set to retire? (Bricks and Stones)

Hmmmmmm. (Celebwarship)

Kanye gets ALL CAPS on somebody's ass. (The Blemish)

Classic Week continues over on Pajiba. The latest? Young Frankenstein. (Pajiba)

Fierce: (Adjective) Someone who is bold, daring, creative and fabulous.

Does anybody know who this is? Yup, it's none other than Tank Girl herself: Lori Petty. Ms. Petty here was fierce before we as a culture even embraced the word into hipster slang. These whorey, useless bitches today don't know the meaning of fierce. What I wouldn't give right now for her to throw on a pair of combat boots, jump in that tank and go on a Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson and Heidi Montag killing spree. Sigh... A girl can dream, right?

More of Lori at the L.A. Film Festival screening of her directorial debut, The Poker House:

Second Amendment (Constitutional Amendment) A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

Although I don't necessarily agree with it, now that the Supreme Court has ruled today that, officially, the right to bear arms extends to individuals (and not just members of the militia), I do see a sole bright spot. To the first misogynistic, asshole gossip blogger who makes a beached whale joke about these images: I have the right to buy a handgun and go to your house and put a bullet in your face. It's only a matter of time.

Girl looks great for a 38-year-old late-term pregnant woman wearing a two-piece bikini. So, suck it.

Mesmerizing: (Adjective) hold the attention of someone to the exclusion of all else or so as to transfix them.

Of his hot ass make-out scene with 22-year-old Mary Kate Olsen in their upcoming film, The Wackness, Sir Ben Kingsley, 64, told People that Mary Kate "was completely in charge." Gross. Considering that most men probably freeze in terror when they see her Cheshire Cat face coming towards them -- she was probably left with no other choice. I actually heard if you stare into her eyes for too long you're declared legally insane; just like someone who trips on acid more than seven times. It's a fact.

Another fact? Scoliosis is so hot right now. At a screening of The Wackness with costars Olivia Thirlby and Josh Peck.

Succubus (Noun)  A demoness from Hell whose sole purpose is to drain the souls of men by having sex with them while they are asleep; a bitchy, controlling girlfriend.

Although the rest of sane America has rightfully, appropriately, and justly turned against Rainbow Killer for her litany of public relations guffaws, as well as her divatistic, arrogant behavior -- most recently, throwing the "Grey's Anatomy" writers under the bus -- there's still one guy who stands by his woman. Katie's wife, Josh Kelley.

“I’m always supportive of Katie, no matter what she does,” Kelley told Us Weekly.

Hence, their recent photo-op/getaway to Cabo San Lucas. “We needed time away from work and industry hassles,” said Kelley. Kelley also has shown other signs of support in the relationship, according to the mag. He’s “learning how to do Katherine’s curlers … if you are wondering why my guitar sounds weird, it’s because I burnt my pinkie on the curlers." (Source)

Sheesh. Josh Kelley is, like, the Katie Holmes of men. I'll concede that I had no idea who Kelley was before that succubus stole his soul, but I'd like to think that he wasn't the sort of guy who kissed his cell phone whenever his wife called. Now? Well, of course he supports Heigl, because that's the only time she'll allow her emotionally and socially dominated life partner speak. It's only a matter of time before the man is holding a weekly pedicure parties -- I oughtta know. I have the prettiest toes on my street.

Gotta go now -- my wife's giant feather doesn't fan itself, you know.

Fake (Noun) Anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is.

How many folks saw this video, got really excited, sent it to about 12 friends, and then realized it was fake?

It's a goddamn viral Gatorade commercial.

Man, I was crushed. It just goes to show you, unless it's Ryan Reynolds, nothing is as good as it appears. Bummer. All well. Here's some RR: 

Helping: (Verb) Make it easier for someone to do something by offering one's services or financial or material aid.

You know what really chaps my ass? When these celebrities speak out on the war or on charitable causes, while they sit on their piles of money and expect regular schmoes to do all the work -- as if associating their name with a cause is charity enough. Well fuck that. Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt just plunked down $1 million through their Jolie-Pitt Foundation to help children affected by the Iraq War.

The Jolie-Pitt Foundation will provide $500,000 for school supplies and education programs for refugee children in Iraq and $500,000 for American children who either lost a parent deployed in Iraq or have a parent serving in that country. (Source)

It's times like this, I see that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt really are kind, altruistic people; so maybe I should go on a moratorium of giving them shit. Well, unless they name their twins something stupid or she wears an ugly dress, of course. I'm only human, for chrissakes.

Back Fat (Noun) The scientific term used to describe fatty deposits in one's lower back. 

Jumpin' Jehosofat! Those Brazilians are messed up:

Victoria's Secret model Karolina Kurkova is being attacked by the Brazilian media for appearing too fat on the runway. Kurkova was slammed in the country for appearing in a bikini with what critics called "back fat, love handles and cellulite" at the Cia Maritima show during Sao Paulo Fashion Week. (Source)

Hypothetical exchange between an American male and a Brazilian journalist:

American: I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for eating crackers.
Brazilian: Actually, it's the crackers that are the problem.

Just look at the unsightly back fat:

 

Brain Scrub (Noun) The act of having your memory erased by a Brill-O pad. 

Three words, and an accompanying image that you're going to want to have brain scrubbed:

Mini-me sex tape.

*Shudder*

Denied: (Verb) To reject someone in the most humiliating, public way possible.

My faith in Barack Obama has been restored after the presidential candidate went public in dismissing Scarlett Johansson's claims that the two were email BFFs.

Obama told reporters Tuesday that "she sent one email to [my assistant] Reggie [Love], who forwarded it to me. "I [wrote] saying, 'Thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,' and suddenly we have this email relationship," he explained. (Source)

Since ol' Tits McLispicuddy probably never had the opportunity to date out of her league, I guess the nuances of "kiss and tell" were lost on her. When I was fifteen, I was talking to this totally gorgeous popular guy for a hot minute (who we'll call "Dick" as it's both a person's name and an insult) after he told my friend he liked me and got my phone number. All we did was talk in the hallway between classes, but one day this bitch in my art class caught us holding hands, and was all, "Oooh, are you and Dick going out?" And I was all, "I don't know, I guess." So she went back to him and was all, "Stacey told me she's your girlfriend" and he was like "NO SHE'S NOT!" And he never spoke to me again. A month later, he transferred to a private school; and a couple summers later I was working at the local swimming pool snack bar, and he wound up being a lifeguard there and pretended he didn't know me for the entire summer.

Looking back, that was pretty embarrassing. But that was just some douchehunk with smoldering eyes who's probably balding by now, not the next President of the United fucking States. But hey Scar: on the bright side, soul crushing shame and humiliation is character building!

custody-4.jpg" src="http://www.litelysalted.com/IMAGES/britney-custody-4.jpg" class="mt-image-center" style="margin: 0pt auto 20px; text-align: center; display: block;" height="377" width="500" />Britney shows up to court dressed presentably with her hair brushed and wearing a bra and everything. Mommy! I'm scared! (Yeeeah!)

Tori Spelling shows us her "miracle baby." I think the miracle is that it's not a real baby. That thing looks like it's made of plastic. (Seriously? OMG!)

Showgirls on Broadway would be the best thing to happen since peanut butter met jelly. (Film Experience)

Ben and Jen are like, we are totally not breaking up so shut your stupid face Ted Casablanca, if that's even your real name. (Celebitchy)

Brazilian media says that Karolina Kurkova is a fatty. Bwuh? (The Blemish)

Fun with Photoshop: Stupid A-hole Mario Lopez edition. (Radar)

Solange Knowles is the victim of great treachery. (Ayyyy!)

Because Brooke Hogan apparently has nothing better to worry about than those photos of her dad putting lotion on her ass, she informs us that's it's totally normal. (Celebslam)

Borat's banana hammock is inspiring men's fashions. Kill me now. (Agent Bedhead)

Kirsten Bell offers to let us check under the hood. (HQ Celebrity)

Hot: (Adjective) Someone who is extremely sexually attractive.

You know, I never understood the sex appeal of Matt Damon until now. There's just something about a dude scoping out underage poon for mustache rides that really does it for me. Probably because it brings back memories of my 11th grade algebra teacher. Say what you will, but 35-year-old math enthusiasts who never had sex before make for surprisingly generous lovers. Unfortunately, they also make for unsurprisingly huge crybabies after you dump them for a senior on the wrestling team and then rat them out to the principal when they won't stop calling. Double edged sword, really.

Keeping It Real (Expression) When staying true to your "roots" or your priorities or principles as a person and applying to a certain type of a event or situation.

I don't know what I think of these images of Christian Bale "keeping it real." I mean, on the one hand, it's kind of cool to know that Bale throws the old football around (a little odd, since he's from the Wales), that he plays with his dog, and goes canoeing, just like the rest of us.

But on the other hand: I think I like him better in a Patrick Bateman ensemble or, you know, the Bat Suit. There's something kind of unsettling about knowing that one of the best actors of our generation spends his time pretending that he lives inside of the L.L. Bean catalog.

Christian fucking Bale rocking the Adirondack Straight Leg Jeans, Wrinkle-Resistant Classic Oxford Cloth Shirt, Double L Poplin Pants and the Carefree Unshrinkable Henley:

 

Exception: (Noun) A person or thing that is excluded from a general statement or does not follow a rule.

The BET Awards were held last night -- and admittedly, I don't know much about rap music. So maybe that's why I'm confused at to why "Ms. Kids Incorporated" herself, Fergie took the stage with Nelly during his performance. Isn't that kind of missing the point? If you're just gonna let any old crackers sing at the BET Awards, why exclude Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera? They've got as much "street cred" as Fergie. I heard being on the "Mickey Mouse Club" was practically like growing up in Compton.

Alicia Keys, Lil Kim, Kayne, Rihianna and a bunch more from last night's show:

Mortified (Verb) To cause to experience shame, humiliation, or wounded pride.

You gotta wonder a little what it's like for 14-year-old Indio Downey to go out in public with his Dad. I mean, is he proud or a little mortified? On the one hand, it's his Dad. But on the other, it's Robert Downey, Jr. On the one hand, RDJ -- a gazillionaire -- is wearing the type of outfit you might find at a thrift shop. But then again, thrift shops are cool. If you're 23. Or maybe if you're Robert Downey, Jr.

But I'll tell you this: It doesn't matter who he is or how cool he is, dollars to donuts says that no 14-year-old kid wants to be seen with his father when his Dad is carrying an over-the-shoulder fannypack/man purse.

That ain't right. Not even for RDJ.

 

 

Get Some (Verb) To receive something well, whether it be sex, money, victory, or something else.

Joss Whedon fans: Although you'll have to wait a little longer to see the long-awaited web musical series, "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog," starring Nathon Fillion and Neil Patrick Harris, the teaser trailer is officially live.

Get some.

Asswipe: (Noun) A person who resembles in behavior, language or attitude, a device which has been used to remove excrement from the anus.

Ashley Dupré's lawyer has issued a statement that he and his client are not in fact dropping their $10 million lawsuit on Joe Francis, after Francis went on "Access Hollywood" yesterday (the only "media outlet" which ever pays him any attention) claiming the following:

“She is [going to be] a no show,” Francis told Access. “Her lawyer says that she is dropping it and issuing an apology to me.”

God I cannot wait until this piece of shit is back in jail. Joe Francis is one of the few people in history other than Julia Roberts who can make a call girl look like a sympathetic character. The only reason anyone should ever apologize to Joe Francis for anything, is in the case that an inmate stabs him but misses the kidneys. But see, that's the beauty of the prison stabbing -- if at first you don't succeed, bleed that motherfucker like a pig. And anyway, technically Joe Francis should be the one apologizing for getting the inmate's nice, homemade knife dirty with his stupid, dickwad blood; so forget what I said before. No one should ever apologize to Joe Francis for anything.

Abomination (Noun) A creature so horrible that if you look at it for to long, your eyes will start to bleed. Lives in drainpipes and grease pits surrounding high schools and universities. The origins of the abomination goes something like this: a giant plague infested sewer rat rapes an AIDS carrying orangutan, in the ass, while in the restroom of a 747. The orangutan proceeds to shit out the ass baby that was conceived The baby abomination gets ejected out of the plane along with a large amount of shit. While falling, the abomination gets hit by lightning and catches fire. Upon reaching the ground, the flaming abomination slams into a mountain side at terminal velocity and then rolls down the side, hitting every rock on the way down. Baby Bom-Bom then reaches a cliff where it falls off, still on fire, and lands on the ugly tree, where it falls hitting every branch on the way down. It then falls into a campground, still on fire, where a family proceeds to beat it with sticks and stomp it out with their golf cleats. They then dump it into an outhouse that has a good 20 ft of shit in the bottom. Here the abomination matures, stewing in the shit of countless years. (Source)

I don't know who the man is in this video, but he's a fucking abomination. He should be strung upside down by his testicles and drowned in fresh cattle carcass. Just my humble opinion.

Assfacehole (Noun) E!'s Ted Casablanca.

The audacity. The nerve. The chutzpah! What a fucking assfacehole! Ted Casablanca -- a gossip columnist who seriously needs to have something sharp and metal shoved into his pretty little chin dimple -- has the nerve to suggest that all is not right in the land of Ben and Jennifer. He writes:

Sources insist to me that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck. Say it ain't so, baby-cakes! Nevertheless, waiting on comment now from both parties. Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? Perhaps. (Source)

Bite your fucking tongue, asshole. First Ryan and Alanis. And now Ben and Jennifer? No sir. Not true. Ain't happening. And your an assfacehole dickmonster loobyhockey dillymobile for even suggesting it. It will never happen. And they should sue you for slander. And libel. And then someone should kick you in the ribs for passing along tainted gossip. You, sir, are a scalleywag!

Imitation: (Noun) The action of using someone or something as a model.

Jason Bateman is fighting back against the retardical accusations that the film Juno is to blame for a string of teen pregnancies in Gloucester, Massachusetts.

“I don’t know the specifics, but I can speak about what sort of responsibility entertainment should hold for social behavior. Unfortunately, we’ve had these instances where guys kill people because of what they hear in rock ‘n roll lyrics or some garbage like that. Look, if you’re going to blame a movie or song for your actions, whether they be good or bad, I think you’re looking at the wrong things to influence your life.” (Source)

Puh-lease. Like teenagers ever needed to find an excuse to fuck. No offense, but if even if kids were going to base their actions off of an Academy Award nominated film, I'd hope they could have found something just a little more inspired than Juno in last years selections. Take No Country For Old Men, for example. I mean, did you see what he did with that air compressor? That was redonkulous! Now if I was a kid, you can bet your sweet ass I'd be emulating that. So if that should happen, and you know, some kid out in the midwest starts blowing holes in his classmates skulls ... By all means start your "blame the movie" witch hunt.

Just because he's a total hunk and I love him: Jason Bateman getting molested by his Hancock costars on TRL (and sadly not me).

Alleged stills from Britney Spears' sex tape have surfaced. Cover your eyes (NSFW) (Yeeeah!)

Heather Locklear depressed? My guess: She misses the Sambora talking box, if you know what I mean. (Celebitchy)

Amy Winehouse lights up, tells emphysema to go fuck itself. (Celebrity Smack)

Don Imus is still a racist prick. (The Blemish)

We've got an official explanation as to why Larry King's wife willing married him. Crack. Lots and lots of crack. (Celebwarship)

Anne Hathaway's husband may end up in the same position as Joe Francis: Bent over in a prison cell. (Bricks and Stones)

Quentin Tarantino is back, baby. (Pajiba)

Identity Theft: (Noun) The fraudulent acquisition and use of a person's private identifying information, usually for financial gain.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that the Naked Cowboy can proceed with his lawsuit against Mars candy company for $4 million in damages over unlawful use of his image in the above billboard featuring a blue M&M dressed in his trademark briefs and boots.

"Sounds like I've got $4 million coming my way," the Naked Cowboy, whose real name is Robert Burck, told The Post upon learning of Manhattan federal Judge Denny Chin's decision.

Aw yeah -- guess whose got two thumbs and $4 million dollars worth of underpants? That's right: this guy. No more of that K-Mart bullshit, either. He'll be wearing only the finest tightey whiteys fit for kings! And I bet nothing enhances a dude's junk quite like having it encrusted in diamonds.

Boner (Noun) 1) An erect penis; 2) a person or thing that bones; 3) a foolish person.

This is one of those instances where you don't have to look to closely to find what you're looking for. And given Colin Farrel's massive weight loss of late, it looks like it's the only thing left holding his shorts up.

 

Captain Obvious: (Phrase) Name of one who is a master of the self-evident.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are supposedly on the verge of ending their seven year marriage, according to a friend of the couple who says their divorce was "virtually inevitable."

'They have just grown apart. They've decided they're better off as friends. It's sad but they're determined to keep it amicable.' Guy was pictured a fortnight ago on a night out with male friends and sources said he and his wife were planning to spend most of the summer apart. (Source)

I wonder what could have possibly gone wrong here? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's Madonna and he's not a giant, man-sized vibrator. In other unforeseen news, I'll probably take a dump tomorrow morning, and in October the weather will change and the leaves will start falling off the trees.

Madonna, her kids and her awesome pit stains at a Yankees game last weekend:

Boogertastic (Adjective) From the Latin for to most bodacious; the act of being as awesome as a booger.

Ooops. Missed it by that much, Donald. There's a fine line between an upper lip peck and a full-on boogertastic nose pull. Though it's hard to tell exactly from this photo, if I were a betting man, I'd say you gotta little goblin juice as a souvenier of your run-in with Demi Moore's right nostril.

Tasty!

Follicly Challenged (Adjective) Follicly challenged is merely the etymologically correct spelling of follically challenged, which is a euphemistic term for balding men. The use of the word serves to lampoon the perceived overabundance of "politically correct" synonyms for various minority groups.

The follicly-challenged Brendan Fraser made an appearance on MuchonDemand yesterday to promote one of the two, or both, of his unbelievably shitty-looking movies coming out this year, Journey to the Center of the Earth and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. And, as you can see by comparing the images from that appearance to Brendan on a bad-hair day, he's an obvious master of the tousle. It's not an easy feat, for sure: It literally takes hours and a large staff to place each hair just right, space them out appropriately, and then freeze them to give the appearance of a (mostly) full head of hair. Granted, the hairlines still looks slightly funky, but the overall effect is remarkably clean.

Indeed, Brendan -- like the follicly challenged Matthew McConaughey -- is a testemant to the fact that a diligent work ethic and a fair amount of egotism will always win out in the battle against hair loss. Where there is a will -- and a few strands of hair -- there will always be a way.

 

Unfortunate: (Adjective) Having or marked by bad fortune; unlucky.

Yikes. That's uh, some baby ya got there, Nicole. At any rate, if "getting fat" isn't enough to dissuade Paris Hilton from procreating with Benji Madden, hopefully this oughta do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Madden brothers are perfectly nice and everything, but I don't know that "pasty, big head" are necessarily qualities I'd look for when choosing a sperm donor. Put a pair of ray bans and a fedora on that thing and I'd think that there was three of 'em.

Boston (City) Capital of Massachusetts, where the F-word is a commonly uttered and not considered offensive or vulgar. Bostonians think they are superior to everyone including New Yorkers. They make fun of Midwesterners and Southerners by calling them hicks and hillbillies. Everyone's drunk & Irish in the city and rich in the burbs. They can't drive. The roads are awful and meander every which way—it is very easy to get lost navigating in this urban hell. The cost of living is ridiculous and they cant even pronounce their Rs. Boston, not surpsingly, has the worst sports fans in of any city, especially in football where idiotic Pats fans think they have to win every game and have the audacity to throw snowballs at refs and prove to be sore winners AND sore losers in every game.

Goddamn, I miss Boston. Arrogant motherfucking pricks -- every goddamn one of them, including Matt Damon. But, hell if it ain't the best city in the world.

Absolute Moron (Noun) Someone who claims fear for her life while simultaneously following her aggressor. 

The Hulk and Linda saga continues. Not content to sleep with people half their age and swap venereal diseases with the cheering section, apparently Linda Hogan has a restraining order out against Hulk, one that Hulk allegedly violated. In fact, that bastion of ill ethics, TMZ, obtained a recording of the 9/11 call that Linda made after Hulk violated the restraining order. Here's a taste of the transcript:

Linda: He’s been ordered away because he’s threatened my life before and I don’t want him around. I’m shaking, I’m following him until he leaves.
911: OK, you said he left, or he is leaving?
Linda: Yeah he left, I’m following him right now.
911: Why are you following him?
Linda: I don’t know
911: Stop following him!

It's unspoken, but the subtext there is "Stop following you, you absolute fucking moron."

It's true, though: This is a real-life honest-to-crackers love story. This is Princess Bride stuff, people. Or at least Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. She's terrified for her life, yet she can't keep away from him. That's when you know it's true love: When you are compelled to follow him knowing that a legdrop and the sleeper hold is only seconds away.

Those two crazy (white-trash) kids are meant to be, I know it in my bones.

Hilarium: (Adjective) A combination of "hilarious" and "pandemonium," as in something that is so funny it literally has the potential to cause chaos.

I know you guys are all gonna hate me for this. Save it. There's no way you could possibly hate me more than I hate myself. Heidi Montag's new single "Fashion" has dropped onto the internet like a dirty bomb, and its infectious like anthrax. But at the same time, it's the most hilarium thing I've heard since Heidi's last single. Spencer Pratt raves:

"It's the greatest song of my life."

Seriously, are Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag robots? If a human person had such bluffing skills to make that statement with a straight face, then why are you wasting all of our time with these ridiculous songs and not off making millions of dollars at poker? Go!

Such turds. But at the same time, I'm completely fascinated by them, like that episode of "NewsRadio" where James Caan becomes obsessed with Matthew. God help me.

Alec Baldwin suggests, rather than ride horse-drawn carriages, get messed up on booze and joints. Amen. (Celebitchy)

Rod Stewart gets hungry, attempts to eat wife's boob. Unequivocally answers burning question: "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" (Yeeeah!)

Kelly Osbourne channels Ugly Betty. (Seriously? OMG!)

The Olsen twins have apparently broken up; divorce papers pending. (Celebwarship)

Jeremy Piven gets rejected by Megan Fox. Man, I didn't see that one coming. (The Blemish)

Ellen buys Portia a pink diamond so big it's gonna make her puke. (Celebrity Smack)

Brad Pitt will own your box-office dollars this fall. (The Film Experience)

Finally, Stace and I offer up our entries for Classic Week (1970's edition) over on Pajiba. (The Jerk & Harold and Maude)

Surfers Creed: (Noun) The system of faiths and principals followed by those who pray at the altar of the mighty ocean.

Fact: did you know surfers, like many higher functioning species, will band together in pack mentality to protect one of their own? One hapless member of the paparazzi learned the hard way this weekend, when attempting to photograph the elusive McConaughey.

"[The surfers] formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said [McConaughey] didn't want him to film," Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore told the Los Angeles Times. "They got into an argument, and [the photographer] indicated that he received injuries...[The surfers] took the video camera and threw it in the water." (Source)

The report when onto say that after the danger was gone, the surfers then proceeded to run around on the beach howling triumphantly, before settling down to sniff each others butts and roll around in the spoor of their prey.

Editor's note: header image chosen specifically for it's visual double entendre.

Nifty (Adjective) To be very cool or neat; Existing in a unique, positive manner.

Amanda Seyfried, ladies and gentlemen. In Italy's Vogue. Don't you just wanna pick her up and put her in your pocket for safe keeping?

White Lie: (Noun) A harmless or trivial lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

Larry Birkhead spent almost $3 grand this weekend on lingerie from a celebrity auction worn by Anna Nicole Smith in one of her famous Playboy photo shoots, as a gift to his daughter Dannielynn.

Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his daughter has something to remember her mother by. "I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," Birkhead told The Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career." (Source)

Sounds like one hell of a scrapbook he's putting together. I guess the "Mommy's Skeevy Playboy Outfits" entry will fall somewhere after the first dollar bill shoved into her G-String and somewhere before "Pictures of the Old Dude Mommy Fucked to Earn Your Inheritance" and the collection of failed paternity tests to prove "Which Daddy's Sperm Made You." Would it really be so bad to just tell the kid that her mom was a royal princess who tragically died saving orphans from a fire?

I'll say this, if Anna Nicole ever did anything right, she made one really fucking cute kid:

Shout-Out (Noun) A shout-out is a greeting or acknowledgment of a person, group, or organization of significance. It is often done as a sign of respect, synonymous with "giving props."

With the opening of The Wackness less than two weeks away. I feel a shout-out to the film's two stars is in order. Many of you probably only know Josh Peck as the fat one in "Drake and Josh," and Olivia Thirlby as Juno's best friend. But if I had my way, these two would dominate the box-office for the next three decades. Combined, they are two of the very best young actors in the business, and they both have an unbelievably vibrant freshness about them. They are both exceptional actors, and the best thing about them is, unless we're offering props, you won't see them on gossip blogs like this one very often.

Go see The Wackness. It opens on the 4th.

In Your Face: (Exclamation) The ultimate comeback to any diss.

So, the guys over at Pajiba have this delightful habit of making fun of me over my liking of the show "Supernatural," as well as my infatuation with certain delicious hunky male leads. Well, I have just one question: if Jared Padalecki is SO BAD, then why is he seen here posing with your precious, precious Jewel Staite of your beloved "Firefly" series? Hmm...? And I can't say she looks particularly put out by it, either. She sure doesn't look like she just got bitch slapped with CW cootie stank, anyway. Now if only somebody would've called Jensen Ackles and Nathan Fillion...

Editor's note: I understand this is quite possibly the nerdiest pissing contest ever.

Hamburger (Noun) a sandwich consisting of a cooked patty of ground or chopped beef, usually in a roll or bun, variously garnished.

Hoo-baby! Looookin' goood. Gimme a taste of that clavicle, baby. Why don't you and me meet up, grab a hamburger and some sunlight. Looks like you just got back from a three-month vacation, honey, in a dungeon.

But seriously, Courtney. Have you ever heard of a meal? Appetizers, a little meat, maybe a side of vegeables and macaroni and cheese, followed by a nice desert. They're great. I try to eat two or three a day. You should definitely look into one. They're great not only for your complexion, but your ability to sustain life. Just a thought.

 

Prima Doucha (Noun) a douchebag with a shitty personality who is considered vain, temperamental and/or conceited.

Mike Myers is going out of his way to catch Chevy Chase Syndrome. During a tape of Conan O'Brien's show last week, Myers got all prima doucha on backstage staffers. According to Page Six:

"He sent a team of interns on a wild goose chase for Silk nondairy creamer, Twizzlers and raspberry seltzer," said our witness. "Then he sent one of the interns back out to get him a new drink when he realized his seltzer was not the brand he requested."

You know what, Mike? Seltzer is seltzer, and you need to stick your ego back up your ass where it belongs. You know that movie of yours that opened over the weekend, about an American raised by gurus? Maybe in the course of your "research" (which I'm sure entailed shitting on linoleum and rolling around in it), you didn't run across the Buddhist belief that whatever you do comes back to you. It's called Karma, Mike. And that 4th place opening of Love Guru probably had a little something to do with that seltzer you returned, bitch. 

Tragic Irony: (Noun) A literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.

Thanks to the miracles of crack, Amy Winehouse's dad has revealed that his daughter is now in the early stages of emphysema at the ripe old age of 24.

The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid - she wouldn't have been able to breathe. With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 per cent lung capacity.

The doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her. (Source)

The grandmother of some childhood friends of mine, whom they lived with growing up, recently succumbed to emphysema in her mid-80's after having smoked around two packs a day for over 50 years. If I had to guess the secret to good ol' "Grammer's" longevity, I'd attribute it to a strict regime of homemade Italian cooking, playing bingo, and yelling racial epithets at "The Price is Right." Oh, and also that she smoked Virginia Slim 120s and not fucking crack.

Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits. (Expletives) The Seven Dirty words you're not allowed to say on television. Also, how we feel about the passing of George Carlin.

George Carlin (1937 - 2008). You'll be sorely missed. Mr. Carlin. (Video very NSFW).

Oh, Fergie! Not again! (Celebslam)

With the exception of Fergie, this is God's way of making up for girls not being able to pee standing up. (DListed)

Rihanna is dressed like a “like a Navajo hooker at soccer practice.” (Yeeeah!)

Paris is starting to turn into her mom now that she's settled down. (CelebritySmack)

Or maybe it's just because she's smoking too much weed and getting fat. (Celebitchy)

If MTV's "True Life: I'm Bulimic" didn't give you your fill of vomit, maybe you'll enjoy Fox's new program, the delightfully titled "Hurl!" (Agent Bedhead)

And if Megan Fox didn't get her fill of losers when she dated Brian Austin Green, Jeremy Piven wants to be her "Hurl!" (CelebWarship)

The Coreys have favorite numbers? What kind of retarded faces are they? (Seriously? OMG!)

Is there anyplace worse than hell we can send The Hogans? Perhaps a rodeo with machete-horned bulls trained to gorge anything yellow? (The Blemish)

Get Smart is predictably... Not. (Pajiba)

Makeover: (Noun) A complete transformation or remodeling of a person's hairstyle, makeup, clothes, or body type.

If there's anyone out there who even remotely gave a shit about how to tell the Kardashian sisters apart... No really, anyone? Well anyway, it's going to be that much harder now, because the fat one isn't as fat anymore.

With a little help from her sisters, Kourtney, 29, and Kim, 27, she made the transformation. "Kim encourages me to work out and Kourtney is healthy about food. It's empowering," says Khloe, who has already lost 12 pounds - and has a hot new body to rival her older siblings'. "I don't want to always be known as the funny sister. I want to be the sexy, smart and funny sister!" (Source)

Hmm... I'm pretty sure no one actually thought of her as the "funny" sister. But anyway, if we can't peg her as the fat one anymore I guess she'll just have to settle for being "the one who looks like Garfield's slutty cat girlfriend.*"

* Editor's note: apologies to anyone who clicks on that link -- for this being the internet and all, visual references of Garfield's slutty cat girlfriend are surprisingly few.

Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian slimmed down; but still shouldn't stand next to Hayden Panettiere:

Third Nipple (Noun) Refers to something that is completely fucking useless. 

Megan Fox, discussing the Transformers sequel, Revenge of the Fallen (how inspired!) not only said that his one was going to be "10 times as big, 10 times as many set pieces, explosions, and acrobatic stunts" but, when asked about Michael Bay's direction, she simply said: “His main note to me is just to look hot; so I try my best.”

While I appreciate Megan Fox's honestly, the quote is enlightening in another respect: That's precisely the sort of direction one expects from the human ipecac. Michael Bay is more useless than a third nipple -- he'd film his own scrotum if he thought it'd make $100 million. The man basically spreads his ass cheeks, crams three fingers into his sphincter, gags his anus, and smears the result on celluloid and calls it a film.

Besides, you don't need to suffer through Transformers to see Megan Fox look hot.

 

Decorum: (Noun) Behavior in keeping with good taste and propriety.

When your bikini bottom is no longer effective at corralling your double pooch and ten pounds of meat curtain, and the sailcloth on top is groaning under the stress of the two basketballs full of saline -- maybe it's time to upgrade to the one-piece. And contrary to popular belief, there's no shame in wearing one that has a little skirt built into it. Or, wearing a T-shirt over the top part. Or burying yourself in the sand up to the neck... Close enough to where the tide comes in. Baby steps, Linda!

(Thanks to WND for the photos!)

Killer (Adjective) Very cool.

Package (Noun) The outline or bulge of the male genital as visualized on one wearing tightey whiteys.

Editor's Note: Who thinks Dustin should put his money where his mouth is and show us his package? Now that would be a very special package.

Daddy Mac: (Noun) A smooth, jive-talking pimp daddy who has mastered the art of the mack; possessing sexual and flirtatious prowess.

If 21 is the new 30 and 15 is the new 21, then figuratively speaking, these kids -- the fruit of the Fresh Price's loins, Jaden Smith and The Clique Girlz [sic] -- are well into their teenage years and therefore are subject to being sexualized. Hey, don't blame me; I don't makes the rules, I just perpetuates 'em. Speaking of which: Mmm... Is anyone else getting a craving for a Nutella on white sandwich, extra bread?

Stuck-Up (Adjective) Originally, a contraction of "having one's nose stuck up in the air," in a more literal sense, "stuck up" refers to a person who thinks he or she is above the rest, but should really get a whiff of their own shit.

 

Mystery: (Noun) Something that is difficult or impossible to understand or explain.

Amy Winehouse is still under medical care after the mysterious fainting spell which landed her in the hospital earlier this week, to undergo additional testing while doctors try to figure out just what in the heck is wrong with her!

Winehouse's father, Mitch, who drove his daughter to the clinic, told London's Telegraph that his daughter will remain hospitalized "as long as possible" until her physicians determine a proper diagnosis. (Source)

I don't know about Amy, but I've got a little medical dilemma of my own. For the past few weeks, I've been plagued with violent, uncontrollable diarrhea. It started about the same time I began this new rapid weight loss diet I read about on the internet, where you're guaranteed to lose up to 20 pounds in a month by eating nothing but sauerkraut. I thought maybe I should mention that to my doctor, but doctors are busy, y'know? He doesn't want to hear about the mundane details of my life. Anywho, I'm headed back to the hospital next week for a colonoscopy... So, hopefully that'll clear things up.

Good news, though -- the diet is totally working! If the assplosions ever stop making the inside of my toilet look like a Jackson Pollock, I think it's safe to say someone is going to look smoking hot in a bikini this summer!

Speaking of smoking hot... (Editor's note: Look kids! The glamorous world of drugs!)

Photographic evidence that David Beckham's bean bag has been ... enhanced. (Yeeeah!)

What's more embarassing? That Regis Philbin can't pronounce Shanna Moakler's name, or that fucking Steven Weber has been relegated to game-show guest? (Seriously? OMG!)

Give it up for the Five Unsexiest Movies about sex. (Spout Blog)

Hugh Laurie parlays his celebrity into free hamburgers for life. (Celebitchy)

A trip down nostalgia lane: Brenda, Dylan, and Brandon edition. (Celebrity Smack)

Run away, Natalie. Get away from the hobo before he asks you for money. (Celebwarship)

Jesus, Charlie Sheen: If you're going to use a racial epithet, at least use it appropriately. (The Blemish)

The Onion Movie gets 11 Thumbs Down. (Pajiba)

Update: Ruh roh! Charlize is starting to show symptoms. (Film Experience)

Finish Line: (Noun) A line marking the end of a race or activity.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her baby daughter, Maddie Briann, this morning. This marks the third grandchild for Jamie Lynn's father Jamie and mother Lynne; joining Britney's two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Condolences to everyone out there who placed bets that either the child's first and/or middle name would start with the syllable "Jay." Personally I had six to one odds that the actual name would be "Jailynn Jaymerson," so I'll be down at the blood bank for the rest of the week trying to make enough scratch to pay back my bookie.

Battle of the Bulge (Historical Event) The Ardennes Offensive (16 December 1944 - 25 January 1945), also called The Battle of the Bulge, was a major German offensive on the Western Front and was launched towards the end of World War II. It was also Adolf Hitler's last offensive in the war. Also, a pretend pissing match between Mario Lopez and Mark Wahlberg over the size of their respective bulges.

Movie Star: (Noun) A famous and talented actor who plays leading roles in film.

Well, it looks like Ali Lohan's dream of becoming her sister is now this much closer to becoming true. Ali is reportedly up for a part in a remake of the 1986 "horror" movie Troll -- a movie so shitty, it might actually be worse than I Know Who Killed Me. If you've managed to go your whole life without catching a weekend cable airing of this ridiculous shit, check out the description from IMDB:

An evil troll, Torok, the transformed state of the ex-husband of an old friendly witch named Eunice St. Clair, has chosen her apartment building to be the heart of the restoration of the world he once knew. To do this he uses an Emerald ring, and takes possession of a little girl named Wendy, whose brother Harry immediately suspects something wrong. Torok, often in the form of the little girl, goes into each occupant's apartment, hideously transforming people into plant pods.

Of Lohan's audition, director John Carl Buechler (as in, the same guy who wrote and directed the original) had this to say:

"She was great," Buechler tells me. "The camera loves her. She's a really good actress...I am personally going to fight for her." Buechler says the $25 million remake is being financed independently: "It's a retelling of the original story with some twists." (Source)

Being that the only thing Ali Lohan has got going on now is starring in a reality show about her desperation for any kind of fame whatsoever, I don't understand why he thinks he'll have to fight for her. Unless of course by "twists" he actually means "a substantial amount of troll fucking" -- then yeah, he might actually have to fight some kind of child decency laws. Although from what I hear, Dina Lohan is an old pro with cutting through that pesky red tape.

Insinuative (Adjective) To instill or infuse subtly or artfully, as into the mind. 

Open Invitation (Noun) A request, available at any time, to participate or be present or take part in something.

Muumuu (Noun) A long, loose-hanging dress, usually brightly colored or patterned, worn esp. by Hawaiian women.

Hey Kim: Mrs. Roper called, and she said you're a whore.

Infected: (Verb) To affect a person with a disease-causing organism.

So that's how Scientology keeps spreading. Many people have long assumed it was a cult, but now it turns out it's actually this whole vampiric, zombie-like infestation. At any rate, I just knew people weren't dumb enough to be coming up with it on their own.

Well, crap. It looks like they've got Charlize now, too. And I suppose, only a matter of time before it spreads to the populace. Unless... From what I gather, the way to exterminate these manifestations is to take out the leader. And given his obvious weakness to mood altering drugs; if someone can get to Tom Cruise and stake him through the heart with a Ritalin-dipped wooden stake, it just might do the trick. Godspeed.

No! Stay away from Jason Bateman -- unholy fiends!

Bean Bag (Noun) A man's testicles and scrotum, bunched into a protective pouch called underwear.

Holy fuck! Run for your lives, ladies and gents. There's a giant David Beckham on the loose, and he's set to lay waste to every orifice in San Francisco with that giant cock and balls of his. Your only hope of survival is to puncture his bean bag, and prey that he bleeds out.

Jesus Crackin' on a Cracker: What does this man drive? An AMC Gremlin? A Pinto? A Yugo?



 

Pugly (Adjective) Someone who is pug ugly; has a face like a pug and is extremely ugly in personality and physical appearance.

Occasionally, I'll stroll over to Fark and see if their advertising some gossip that we've somehow missed, and I just have to say, those folks are total asshats. I mean: Real lousy sons of bitches. Seriously. Like this: After reports came out that Tori Spelling's dog had died, those bastards didn't miss an easy opportunity for a cruel joke, quickly providing this headline:

Tori Spelling mourns the death of her beloved pug, the only creature in her house uglier than her.

What a bunch of cretins! How insulting is that? Clearly, Tori is much uglier than the pug; I mean, at least the dog has an excuse for being pugly, right? I'm just saying: Don't go around bagging on a dog's looks and, for fuck's sake, don't suggest it's uglier than Tori Spelling. That's just piling on.

Armed and Stupid: (Colloquial) One who is equipped with or carrying a weapon or weapons and is able or likely to cause harm or stupidity.

Heidi Pratt and Spencer Montag have become concerned that their disliked reputation may put them at a safety risk, so they decided to do the rational thing and lay low for awhile -- instead of their usual whoring around annoying everybody so much. Kidding! They went out and spent over $10 grand on firearms.

They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. Spencer wants to be prepared for anything,” says the friend. (Source)

Well that sounds fabulous, in the event of alien or Tyrannosaurus Rex attack -- but otherwise I don't think they have anything to worry about. While it's true that 100% of people do hate Heidi and Spencer on some level, no one cares about Heidi and Spencer enough to actually risk the legal repercussion of doing harm to them. In fact, most people hate Spencer and Heidi just enough that they'll think it's uproariously hilarious when one of them accidentally shoots the other one in the face with one of their Delta Force guns. I might be a little sad though, because then I won't be able to make easy, shooting fish in the barrel, phone-it-in jokes about them anymore after I've been up all night drinking. Eh, it'll still be worth -- it just to see the holes in their faces! (Editor's note: I kill me!)

Fact: even children and Barney hate Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Pufftard teaches us how to shave our balls and teabag in cologne. Bwuh? (The Blemish)

Hey, do you think Nicole Richie's carpet matches her drapes? (Seriously? OMG!)

Matthew McConaughey unsurprisingly can't keep his dick in his pants. (Yeeeah!)

We already knew Denise Richards was psychotic, and now she's a liar, too! (Celebslam)

Jenna Jameson could take some notes from Traci Lords on how to look like a classy former pron star. (usemycomputer)

J. Lo does something uncharacteristically unselfish; therefore I uncharacteristically have no insulting zinger for her. (Celebitchy)

Who wore it better? Downy breasted white bird looking shit on your dress edition. (Ayyyy!)

Kristen Bell is a tease: more of her FHM photoshoot. (HQ Celebrity)

Now I don't feel so bad for really liking Fangsley Dunst in Drop Dead Gorgeous. (Pajiba)

Replacement: (Noun) A person or thing that takes the place of another.

Wait a minute... Are Chris Klein and Ginnifer Goodwin dating?! Why didn't anyone tell me this? Damn. It's pretty apparent somebody never got over Katie Holmes. The only thing you could find closer to the old Katie Holmes than Ginnifer Goodwin would just be a cardboard cutout of Katie Holmes. Ginnifer, on the other hand... Well she must have some kind of infatuation with accountants, is the best I can come up with. The guy isn't aging well, is all I'm saying. You can practically smell the "Old Spice" coming off him.

Smuggetry (Noun) Immoderate smugness; the act of being smug at all times without temperament.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say, Don't Say Anything At All (Colloquial) Means bite your tongue before you say something you'll regret, asshole.

Twee: (Adjective) Excessively or affectedly quaint, pretty, or sentimental.

Cameron Diaz is probably going to catch a lot of shit for this outfit. But you know what? Fuck the haters, Cam -- I think you look completely adorable, in a "Little Red Riding Hood" kind of way. And not just because I have happen to have a dress totally like this that I got from J Crew two years ago, which I like wearing to summer weddings as long as I know I won't be seeing the same people from the previous weddings. Seriously, I've worn the thing to like four different weddings by now. Not that I need to have a celebrity validate my personal style or anything... But hey, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? So yes; why thank you Cameron -- I graciously accept your compliment.

Pubescent Boy (Noun) A male who is arriving at or has reached puberty.

Kiera Knightley, who is filming The Edge of Love -- a film about two women who carrying on a passionate love affair with the poet Dylan Thomas -- recently spoke of her singing talents, after being asked to sing live in the film.

"I went to voice coaching. I was absolutely terrified. I thought my legs were going to buckle and on the first couple of takes I sounded like a pubescent boy! I didn't realise I was going to have to do it live," she told BANG Showbiz. (Source)

Hey, that's funny. Because if it looks like a pubescent boy, and sings like a pubescent boy, well: Maybe ...

Chevy Chase Syndrome (Afflication) The unjustified belief that, just because you made a few funny movies early in your career, you can be a giant jackass off camera. 

I've never known a lot about Mike Myers off-screen; despite the occasional lawsuit, he seems genial enough, even if he is about as funny as a soggy tampon. But Entertainment Weekly, in this week's issue, has an enlightening six-page profile of Myers, coloring him as an egotistical, controlling douchebag with a history of being difficult. Take, for instance, this quote from the director of Wayne's World:

''He was emotionally needy and got more difficult as the shoot went along,'' Spheeris says. ''You should have heard him bitching when I was trying to do that 'Bohemian Rhapsody' scene: 'I can't move my neck like that! Why do we have to do this so many times? No one is going to laugh at that!''' To manage Myers' moods, Spheeris put her daughter in charge of making sure he had whatever snack he needed at any given moment: ''To this day, I have this image of her sitting on this little cooler, looking at me, like, 'Mom, I f---ing hate you.''' (Source)

Oddly enough, though some of Mike Myer's behavior is explained or excused in the profile (mostly by Lorne Michaels), no one really refutes that Myers is a dill-tool. But with The Love Guru coming out this weekend, and so far as I can tell, the buzz being nil, maybe Myers should consider the way he's treating people before he gets Chevy Chase Syndrome. You know what happened to Chevy, don't you, Mike? It's called a 20-year dry streak with no end in sight. That squinty-eyed goofy smile ain't gonna get you too much further in life.  So, watch yourself, Mike. The bottom is a lot lonelier when you got no friends.

Insincere Apology: A formal, public statement of regret, such as one issued by the media or an individual not expressing genuine feelings.

Of the above outburst, Joan Rivers made the following statement:

"Yes, I swore, and I'm so fucking sorry."

Whoa. I just saw a glimpse of myself at 75 and it was not pretty. Oh, the plastic surgery, I mean. The gratuitous swearing and calling Russell Crowe a "piece of fucking shit" is pretty fucking awesome, though. I figure, if I already swear this much at 30, by the time I'm Joan Rivers' age the F-Bomb will probably drop more than a Smurf smurfs.

TrekkieSexual (Noun) Someone whose sexual orientation is towards Star Trek, or characters of the series.

Congratulations to 71-year-old George Takei -- "Star Trek's" Sulu -- who is taking the marital plunge with his partner of 21 years, the 54-year-old Brad Altman. But don't let anyone hear you call Altman gay. It has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. He's a TrekkieSexual, thank you very much.

"I am the happiest guy in the world," Altman said. "I get to be married to George Takei."

Ah, hell. I'm happy for you, Brad. You get to boldly go where no man has legally gone before now.

F*ck Buddy (Noun) A person who is not your boyfriend or girlfriend (or goat, horse, or domesticated pet), with whom you have sexual relations, on the mutual understanding that you both want sex and nothing more.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my secret fuck buddy: Mickey Rourke, a man who knows how to treat a man, by wrecking the shit out of him.

Give it to me, Mickey. I love you, you ugly son of a bitch.

 

Demolish: (Verb) To destroy or pull or knock down a building.

Here's the perfect gift for the Britney Spears fan in your life! In the process of liquidating her assets, Britney Spears' father Jamie is planning to sell her infamous Studio City home. Delousing not included.

The hilltop house, located in a gated community, has been the scene of the recent drama in the singer's life, including the night in January she was taken from the property in an ambulance and forced into a psychiatric hospital.

It was not immediately clear where she intends to move. But a source close to Spears said, "Having more privacy and wide open spaces for her to raise her boys has been a goal for some time." (Source)

Oh, boy. If walls could talk, eh? Actually... If the walls in Britney Spears' home could talk, they'd probably say something like, "Please sirs, we throw ourselves on your mercy -- just burn us down. We have witnessed unspeakable horrors which can only be erased by the sweet release of death." Just think about it. Britney bedded Adnan in that house. If there was ever a case for excessive cruelty to inanimate objects, this would be it.

Litelygasm (Noun) An orgasm that one experiences when thinking about, dreaming about, listening to or watching Litely Salted.

Ben Folds? Pffft. Rilo Kelly? Hah!

Litely Salted? Now that's what I'm talking about.

This is how Holly Madison dresses to go shopping? I'd hate to see what she wears to a funeral. (Popoholic)

Jennifer Aniston doesn't want to be seen standing next to prettier women. Her ego can't cope. (IDLYITW)

The latest addition to the Best 20 Television Seasons of the Last 20 Years? (Pajiba)

The Heiglash continues unabated -- the gossip bloggers are gonna run this girl out on a rail, I tell you. (Yeeeah!)

Mark Wahlberg unwisely disses the Ocean's franchise, failing to note that he was in one of the worst films of the last century over the weekend. (Seriously? OMG!)

Will Smith is Asian? News to me, brother. (The Blemish)

So, that Real Girls Eat Meat T-Shirt Jessica Simpson was wearing was a dig at vegetarian Carrie Underwood? Why don't you just get a T-shirt that says, "I Give Better Head"? It's less obvious. (Celebitchy)

Billy Ray Cyrus demonstrates just how fucking cool he is by wearing sunglasses inside. (DListed) & (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Lohan Watch: She's one week fuck-up free! (Celebwarship)

Royal Ascot: (Holiday) Loosely translated, the British celebration to "wear stupid hats" day.

I swear, the British and their crazy holidays, right? Although, if it meant getting a day off work, I would hot glue some silk flowers and ribbons and shit on the underside of a wicker basket right this second and claim a religious belief. Just like the time I rubbed grime from the inside of my tailpipe onto my forehead to get a half day on Ash Wednesday. That's how seriously I take shirking my obligations.

Editor's Note: I know it's a horse race, assholes who were about to correct me.

Kissy Face (Noun) A face girls make when their picture is taken. Involves pursing the lips and sometimes tilting the head up. They think it makes them look sexy. 

Seriously, Kristen: If you don't stop it with the kissy face, your expression is going to freeze that way, and then where will your Hollywood career be?

Ah, who am I kidding? You'll get even more parts.

Here's Kristen in this month's UK FHM.

Rilogasm (Noun) An orgasm that one experiences when thinking about, dreaming about, listening to or watching Rilo Kiley.

Hey, fuck it. If Dustin can post pictures of Ben Folds for no good damn reason, then I get to post pictures of Rilo Kiley. Fair's fair and all that.

Yeah, yeah... I know. Their last album totally blew. Blew. But Jenny Lewis has built up more than enough good will over the years for me to look past that. Plus? Here's some cool trivia for you: Jenny Lewis and Blake Sennett are both child actors. Jenny Lewis appeared in countless film and TV appearances, most memorably playing the little girl who kidnapped Rose's teddy bear "Fernando" on "The Golden Girls" -- while Blake Sennett (a.k.a) Blake Soper is best known as "Pinsky" from "Salute Your Shorts."

Top that, Ben Folds. Mmmhmm, that's what I thought.

Editor's Note: I knowwww she was in Troop Beverly Hills. But I only saw that movie one time when I was little and barely remember it, as opposed to that "Golden Girls" episode, which I have seen like ten times. Therefore, that is her role which is most memorable to me. Nyah.

Would You Rather? (Party Game) A game in which you ask difficult questions to find out about someones traits. 

So, would you rather bone the funny guy or the good-looking one?


 
The geeky one, or the fat one?



And finally, the girl-next-door hot one, or the hot hot one?

Romantical: (Adjective) Something which is "all romantic and shit."

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have supposedly just arrived back in Los Angeles after a weekend trip to Mexico, where they stayed at Joe Francis' beachfront villa, Casa Aramara, just north of Puerto Vallarta.

Aniston and Mayer logged plenty of hours in the sun, chilling (or warming, really) on chaise lounges, waterskiing and jet-skiing in the warm Pacific Ocean and dining al fresco.

Aniston has been there at least twice before—once with a group of gal pals, including BFF Courteney Cox, and another time with then-boyfriend Vince Vaughn. (Source)

Wow. Taking your boyfriend to someplace you used to go with your ex to a lavish estate which was built on the exploitation of drunken coeds? Classy. No wonder Jennifer Aniston has such awesome luck with men. I bet Brad Pitt really feels like a sucker, now. He gets dragged all over the world with Angelina Jolie when he could totally be hobnobbing it with the likes of Joe Francis. Talk about screwing the pooch, huh? Oh, except for the part when he's "screwing the Angelina Jolie." I guess that almost makes up for it.

Unflattering Angle (Noun) A visual perspective that doesn't do any favors to its subject.

I will grant that Katherine Heigl is far more attractive than the above photo suggests, but given my deep disdain for Rainbow Killer, I'm inclined to advertise the underneath perspective, which gives the unfair illusion that she has thunder thighs and walks like Lurch. It's the way I prefer to picture her, anyway.

To be fair, here are some relatively flattering images:

Not Bad (Adjective) Nothing exceptional, but I've seen much worse in a 43-year-old man.

Hmmm ... not bad. I don't think I'd pencil him in for the Point Break sequel, but he's plenty adequate for leather jackets and The Matrix.

No Brainer: (Noun) Something that requires or involves little or no mental effort.

The LAPD has finally decided not to charge Britney Spears for an incident that took place in November of last year, in which Britney accidentally ran over a paparazzi's foot as she was leaving the Four Seasons Hotel in L.A.

"[Spears] made a statement to the police indicating she had no recollection of the event and that she was not aware at the time that her car had come in contact with any one," the report says. (Source)

The way I see it, even if she did know what she was doing, I think any member of the paparazzi should know damn well what they're getting themselves into when they approach Britney Spears in a moving vehicle. I mean, we're not going to blame the hippo when that idiot who dresses up in a hippo outfit to try to collect hippo sweat receives his eventual mauling to death, now are we? These people are trained professionals, and they understand the risks that come with a dangerous job. If you value your precious foot bones or don't want a giant hippo cock to be the last thing you see in this life, than maybe something in a cubicle would be better suited to your needs. I'm just saying.

Ms. Brit safely not behind the wheel of a car, poolside in Vegas this weekend:

Before you get all up in Jessica Simpson's shit, PETA -- you don't know for sure she's not talking about dick. (Yeeeah!)

Mary Louise Parker gets injured during a sex scene and breaks her... Guess! (Seriously? OMG!)

Not even poking Kate Beckinsale in the eye with your raging erection would convince her that her ass isn't huge and disgusting. Oh well. (The Blemish)

Amy Winehouse's Blake puts a hit out on Pete Doherty. (Celebitchy)

Kristen Bell takes beautiful portraits. (HQ Celebrity)

Kim Kardashian in a bikini resembles a centaur missing the other set of legs. (Celebslam)

The new "Hulk" movie is approximately 2/3 decent and 1/3 sucky. (Pajiba)

Hey Mischa, want people to stop making fun of your cellulite? Might you want to try... Pants? (Ayyyy!)

Matching: (Verb) To correspond in some essential respect; make or be harmonious.

Awww, how cute! The New Kids on the Block are wearing matching outfits! I haven't seen wardrobe synchronization this sophisticated since, well, the Backstreet Boys. I guess it only makes sense for a has-been boy band of twenty years ago to be taking fashion tips from a has-been boy band of ten years ago. Also, how much do you love that Joey and Jordan are totally hamming it up, while John looks somewhat uncomfortable and Danny and Donny look downright fucking mortified? Oh, I know that look, all right. That's the same look my cats used to give me when I was a kid, when I would dress them up in baby clothes and put them in my sister's stroller.

I give these divas another month of this charade, tops.

Poor Posture (Noun) The incorrect position of the limbs or carriage of the body as a whole.

Megan! Sit up. That's terrible posture. When you slump down like that, your own muscles are literally pulling you down. A slumped posture not only harms your arm and shoulder muscles, but your neck, jaw, and throat muscles. Poor posture may cause fatigue, muscular strain, compression of blood vessels and pain. Nobody wants that for you, Megan. Sit up straight and mind your manners.

Oh, and put on a shirt.Your mother let you walk out of the house like that?

Ultimate Burn: (Noun) A highly offensive insult to someone, usually involving something which the person feels most embarrassed about.

In a British interview last week, Corey Haim got people to pay attention to him for five minutes by talking about his past relationship with a pre-Spice Girls Victoria (Adams) Beckham. Not a man above kissing and telling, he joked about her technique:

"When she kisses she does this cool little thing. She does this little 'grrhh' gnaw thing. What did it feel like? Like a girl gnawing on your lip!" (Watch full interview here.)

Posh Spice has the face of a wombat, so hearing that she growls and gnaws when she kisses is probably the least surprising intimate detail of a celebrity I've ever heard. Still, coming from a guy who is probably somewhere listing autographed pictures of himself on ebay that he color copied himself at "Kinkos" right now is pretty embarrassing. I'm sure she would have cried like three whole fat tears about it if she hadn't had her tear glands removed to make her face look thinner.

National Movie Critic's Suicide Day (Holiday) A day specially chosen by movie studios to encourage film reviewers to kill themselves. Three times. With a hacksaw, a drill, and a bear trap.

FYI: This year's National Movie Critic's Suicide Day has been set for Friday, August 29th. Do yourself a favor, critics, and get it over with early in the morning.

Fuck. I can not believe there's going to be another Movie Movie. I need to go find a straight razor.

Bengasm (Noun) An orgasm that one experiences when thinking about, dreaming about, listening to or watching Ben Fucking Folds.

What other gossip blog out there features pictures of Ben Folds? With his wife, no less?! Yeah, that's what I thought. We're not the 22,623rd most popular web site on the Interwebs for nothin'!

Now shut-up so I can enjoy my Bengasm.

Sore Thumb: (Expression) Someone or something which is extremely noticeable or out of place.

Well here's something I never thought I'd see... Liza Minnelli at the Tony Awards? What, no monster truck competitions or "Dog the Bounty Hunter" marathons on that night? Oh, settle down -- obviously I'm just teasing. I mean: Look at her face! How adorable is that? This is like Christmas, New Years and her birthday all rolled up in one for old Liza.

Also in attendance? Just 'cause they're purty: Mary Louise Parker and Marisa Tomei.

Dope (Noun) Informal. a stupid or unresponsive person, e.g., Spencer Pratt.

The essence of Spencer Pratt revealed in six minutes, and it's not pretty.

God, I fucking love Letterman.

Twilight Zone: (Noun) A sphere of experience that appears sinister or dangerous because of its uncertainty, unpredictability, or ambiguity.

Hey, did everyone have a good Father's Day this weekend? Because guess who had an even better one? Yep, you read it right: Kevin Federline; who was named "Father of the Year."

At any rate, before you all start heaving yourselves off rooftops like in that retarded new M. Night Shyamalan movie, what's really important to remember here is that this award was given to him by the Prive nightclub in Las Vegas. This would be the same nightclub where he partied away at all hours of the night this weekend -- hundreds of miles away from his, uh, children. So basically, it's like the equivalent of winning the "Evolution Scientist of the Year" award from the Catholic church or "Best Will Ferrell Movie of the Year" by Mensa.

Lily Allen, you have earned my respect. Consider this my personal blessing to go earn yourself a mugshot, and I won't say word one. (Evil Beet)

Goddamn, Paris got fat! This is what happens when you settle down, ladies. (Celebslam)

Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson prove that true love is stronger than a string of failed marriages and menagerie of STDs. (Yeeeah!)

Nikki Cox is starring in a sequel to Howard the Duck. (The Blemish)

That Violet Affleck certainly is a mischievous little scamp! FYI: This is exactly why I'm never having kids. (Celebitchy)

Starz tries to make lemonade out of slutty, poorly acted lemons. (Agent Bedhead)

Hilary Duff tries to hide her cameltoe. (IBBB)

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer go on a double date. (CelebritySmack)

What's the difference between ABBA, Culture Club and Coldplay? Nobody wants to fucking sing Coldplay at a bar when they're trying to have fun. (GlitteratiGossip)

A "Grey's Anatomy" insider responds to Heigl's comments; apologizes for such poor material to work with. Kidding!!!!! They all totally hate her. (Seriously? OMG!)

Pariah Carey: (Phrase) Just a really fun way of saying "Nobody likes Mariah Carey."

Mariah Carey is reportedly having to scrap plans for a follow-up, multimillion dollar NYC dream wedding to her quickie Bahamas elopement to Nick Cannon because nobody wants to pay for it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

“The small wedding in the Bahamas was nice, but it was not Mariah’s style. The lady loves a spectacle,” said a source familiar with Mariah’s plans. What went wrong? The issue of who was picking up the tab. “Mariah was willing to pay for the wedding, but the way she hoped to pay for the wedding was through the sale of photos. No one was interested,” the source revealed. (Source)

Christ. This would be sad if it weren't so totally fucking hilarious! Even Ashlee Simpson, who is an unlikeable, worthless piece of shit got $1.4 mil for her wedding photos from People. Then again, I'm guessing if Paris Hilton were to throw a "doggie wedding" for two of her stupid chihuahuas it would still garner more public interest than Mariah Carey cramming her big ass into a skintight wedding gown encrusted with pink and purple Swarovski crystals patterned into butterfly shapes. There are some some instances where the imagination is more than adequate.

Just for fun, "Baseball is Hard!" Barbie:

Tin Cuppin It (Expression) Derived from the Kevin Costner movie, Tin Cup;, the expression is the equivalent of "fuck it, it's Friday. I got nothing left in the tank. Any effort I make at a decent shot is gonna land in the drink anyway, so here's Amanda Seyfried's Vanity Fair pin-up. I'm going to get a beer."

Scrabblegasm: (Noun) Having the set up for a high scoring, magniloquent word when playing a game of Scrabble.

Why yes, Seth Green -- I totally will play Scrabble with you! How many points do I get for W-I-L-L Y-O-U P-L-E-A-S-E M-A-K-E O-U-T W-I-T-H M-E ? Yes, it's true, alright?! I've always kind of had a thing for Seth Green. I don't care what anyone says, he is way cute. And who cares if he's only like 5'3? That's still taller than I am, and that's good enough.

More of the most adorablest hunk at the "Scrabble Under The Stars" St. Jude benefit:

Anticipointment (Adjective) A gut wrenching emotion felt deep in the belly of a person unrealistically looking forward to an upcoming event immediately after the reality of extreme disappointment has replaced the anticipated happiness.

I really am excited about Wanted -- James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, curving bullets, a hard R rating! How can you not be? But why do I have the feeling that I'm about to get walloped with a triple-size helping of Anticipointment?

For two more weeks, we can at least enjoy the anticipation.

 


 

Hulk Sissy (Noun) Poor imitation of the Hulk, created for comedic effect.

Doppelganger: (Noun) An apparition or double of a living person.

Nicole Richie is reportedly shopping around a new reality show where she scours the country looking for ... a new Nicole Richie? Presumably because the old Nicole Richie has a baby and is in a longterm relationship and is therefore no fun anymore. In turn, the winner of being the next Nicole Richie will then supposedly get her own reality show.

From what I've gathered, the only real qualifications for being Nicole Richie are the ability to drive down the wrong way of the highway inebriated, fit into a size "0" and look awesome in oversized sunglasses. And if that's the case, than look no further! I suppose the next Nicole Richie should also theoretically have the ability to tolerate Paris Hilton in small doses, and I've seen The Hottie and the Nottie -- and didn't even try to gouge my eyes out with the straw from my Diet Coke. Note to self: stop saying words like "theoretically" when you're Nicole Richie.

The old, crappy Nicole Richie at the Celebrity Carnival last weekend:

Battlestar Galactica (Television Show) Geek porn. Science fiction drama which has seen unprecedented mainstream appeal, featuring the acting of Mary McDonnell, Edward James Olmos, Jamie Bamber, Tricia Helfer, Katee Sackhoff, and other surprisingly solid but unheard of actors. Referred to as "BSG."

A few of the lovely ladies of "BSG." And if you can name the guy in the 5th thumbnail, you have my immense respect:

Dear Readers:

Recently, it has come to our attention that a certain word in the Webster's Dictionary is incorrectly defined. Through oversight or simple mistake, Webster's defines "humanity" as the "quality or state of being humane"; or "human attributes or qualities." In fact, the modern definition of "humane" is "bodily waste discharged through the anus;" or "excrement." We sincerely apologize for the error and regret any inconvenience or confusion it may have caused.

Sincerely,

The Webster's Team

  

Bitchfight: (Noun) An epic battle between two petty, catty, unlikable individuals.

One very important duty of a gossip blogger is always know whose side to take in any kind of celebrity feuds or skirmishes. But I was completely unprepared for a Tom Cruise/Drew Pinsky throwdown. Dr. Drew threw the first blow, telling Playboy:

"Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that's a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect."

If anyone else said that, I'd agree. Tom Cruise is insane and Scientology is a cult. But Dr. Drew, aside from being the ringleader of the schadenfreude bullshit which is "Celebrity Rehab" -- appeared on the "Today" show the morning after Heath Ledger's death to give his uninformed diagnosis before the facts were even known. Clearly, a contemptible person. Tom Cruise's lawyer, you're up:

"This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels." (Source)

Hmm... Comparisons to a Nazi? Not cool. Dr. Dipshit? Your turn:

"Although Mr. Fields's intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand. Again, Dr. Drew meant him no harm." (Source)

Oooh, passive aggressiveness. Nice. In all seriousness though, I have no more clue who to root for than if you trotted out my former Junior High bully who once tied my shoelaces to my desk and the boss at a waitressing job I had in college who used to grope my tits; and forced them both into an ultimate fighting competition. I guess I would just hope for a long and brutal fight in which each party finally collapsed in a pool of his own blood and sweat with no real winner declared. So anyway... I believe it's your move, Mr. Cruise.

Turns out, in order to make Forbes Top 100 Celebrities' list, you need only have blond hair and a penchant for getting drunk in public. If only I had the blonde hair, damnit. (Celebslam)

God! Yes! Celebrity "Family Feud." Where else are you going to find Kim Kardishian and Larry the Cable Guy battle it out in a game of witlessness? (Seriously? OMG!)

Ashley Tisdale doesn't have AIDS. Hey, me neither! (The Blemish)

Damn! Make this known: In a fight between you and the pavement, the pavement always wins, bitches. Ask Naomi Campbell. (Yeeeah!)

Not that you don't already know it, but John Mayer is a woman ruiner. Also a ruiner of decent music. (Celebitchy)

Help a brother out: Who is Shauna Sand and why should we care about her? (HQ Celebrity)

Kirsten Dunst remains an arch-nemisis to the camera. (Celebwarship)

Kate Hudson's toddler is already into breasts. Well, you gotta start sometime. (Ayyyy!)

Ryan Reynolds, in complete disregard to Alanis' feelings, continues to make movies. Bastard. (Pajiba)

Canceled: (Verb) To decide or announce that an arranged or planned event will not take place.

He says "potato" and she says "is that what y'all make hash browns from?" And reportedly, Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge are now calling the whole thing off.

“Jamie Lynn and Casey have been fighting non-stop about everything, from what to name the baby to what to eat for dinner. And now she's called off their wedding plans.” (Source)

Jamie Lynn is now 17 years old. When I was 17, the three major things my boyfriend and I had in common were fucking, living a close proximity to each other, and the fact that my parents didn't get home from work until after 5:00. Four if you count a mutual appreciation for "Beavis and Butthead." Suffice to say those aren't the kind of building blocks which typically ensure a lifetime of marital bliss. A lifetime of Miller High Life numbed marital apathy if you're lucky. My advice to both of them is to run like hell and don't stop until you've reached an ocean.

Pregnant and pumping gas in heels -- bless her trashy little heart:

Bombshell (Adjective)  an utterly gorgeous, beautiful woman.

I love the dichotomy between the images offered here and the subhead: "The Thinking Man's Bombshell." I don't suppose it's entirely inaccurate, as long as you presuppose that a man thinks only with his penis. I mean, if you're going to go through with this "thinking man's" charade, at least give the woman some turtle-shell glasses, huh?

 

Big Head: (Noun) A person who is overly conceited or arrogant; or also someone who just has a disproportionately huge, alien-like, oversized fucking noggin.

Myspace whore Tila Tequila who was given her own MTV show based on the credentials of being indiscriminately slutty as far as which gender or species she's willing to hook up with on TV, is now deservedly taking credit for the ban on gay marriage being lifted.

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement," she told Usmagazine.com. "Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Three things: First of all, the people who were "a little apprehensive" about same sex relationships in the dark ages before "A Shot at Fucking Love with Tila Tequila" are still apprehensive about same sex relationships -- and furthermore, those people probably don't watch your goddamn show anyway. Secondly, making out with other chicks in a hot tub on camera is not a "same sex relationship." Because guess what? Pornos have been essentially doing the same thing for years, and if that were the case than gay marriage would have been legalized decades ago. Thirdly? I hope you drop dead of a simultaneous herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhea outbreak and the crabs eat your eyeballs, you filthy, horrible slag. Fred Phelps could live to be 500 years old and I don't think he'll ever come up with anything as offensive to gay people as this.

More of the Erin Whoreovich at the Love Guru premiere. Somebody please tell me she's not actually in this movie?

Décolleté (Adjective) French in origin, meaning low cut.

Above, Ashlee Simpson attempts to distract attention away from the bump forming in her stomach area by wearing a décolleté blouse that damn near gives away the whole goddamn store.

I swear to you, people. Have celebrities never heard of birth control?

Innocent (Adjective) In this context, "innocent" is a euphemism for "sucks donkey balls."

In advance of the release of tomorrow's The Happening, which is sure to continue his rapid decent into less-than-mediocrity, M. Night Shyamalan had a few more words to say about his last film, the critical and box-office dud, Lady in the Water:

What I believe is important to make a good story is you have to put yourself into it. And people on the street have come up to me and said that [watching Lady was] some kind of transformative experience for them, in some bizarre and spiritual way. It's definitely the most spiritual movie I've ever made. It's sad, because maybe it was just too innocent for the times or whatever. (Source)

I believe that transformative experience they were talking about, M., was the transformation from hopeful and optimistic to completely fucking bored, while that "spiritual" feeling they felt was nausea. But I do agree it was too innocent for the times, if by "times," you mean: Every period in the history of the world, and by "innocent" you mean: Incoherent, mindless, nonsensical, confusing, narcissistic, dull, and dumb.

The Happening opens tomorrow! I can't wait, if by "can't wait," you mean, I wouldn't watch that movie with Bea Arthur's dick.

Card-Carrying: (Adjective) Confirmed in or dedicated to a specified pursuit or outlook.

Like me, you probably lay awake at nights wondering for hours on end: just what is up with Ashton Kutcher's beard? Well, we finally have the much anticipated answer. In, "I Should Have Fucking Known Better to Ask" news, it's for Kabbalah!

Some Jews and Kabbalah followers adjust their habits during a 50-day stretch in the springtime. In honor of one the sadder periods in their history, they forego certain indulgences, such as weddings, music, shaves or haircuts. Indeed, according to photos, Kutcher started growing his beard right around Passover, the start of that 50-day phase. (Source)

Uh, yeah... Here's the thing. Back when Jebediah Kabbalah was writing the tenets of his religion, maybe getting a shave or a haircut was considered an indulgence -- but now that we live in the age of running water it's kind of considered basic hygiene. If you want to forego an indulgence, why don't you try moving out of the mansion, Kutcher? Why not go a week without catered meals, Dom Perignon or sex with the trophy wife? Oh right, because those things aren't "in your face" enough to show everyone how awesomely Kabbalah-tastic you are.

Because I guess "Lavish Hollywood Parties" aren't considered a Kabbalah indulgence either, Kutcher and the missus at the Chrysalis Butterfly Ball last month:

Hells Yeah (Expression) Better than "hell yeah." Used when you are extremely excited/happy for some reason or another.

This has nothing to do with gossip or celebrities, but I saw this headline this morning and thought you folks might appreciate the sentiment:

Hells yeah!

Under the Bus (Expression) To cast a person in an unfavorable light with others; to take action or make statements intended to put another person at a disadvantage.

When it comes to Rainbow Killer, if there's one thing I think we can all agree upon is that the woman is a goddamn class act. Indeed, according to the L.A. Times, Katherine Heigl -- who won an Emmy for best supporting actress last year -- has decided to selflessly take her name out of contention this year, so as to give other actresses a fighting chance. She said:

"I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

Oh, cut the shit, Katherine: You just threw the entire "Grey's Anatomy" writing staff under the bus, you contemptible, narcissistic, delusional bitch. You know the saying, "Don't shit where you eat?" Well, you just took a huge, steaming dump on the "Grey's Anatomy" writers' table, and if there's any goddamn justice in the world, they are going to smear fecal matter all over you next season. I hope, in a symbolic act, they have an ambulance drive over you in the season opener, but that -- instead of dying -- you're forced to spend all 24 episodes in a hospital bed communicating by blinking while nurses "accidentally" spill bed pans on you.

You fucked with the wrong people this time, lady.

And for the record: I'm glad Denny died. You didn't deserve him.

Native Assholian: (Noun) A member of the indigenous peoples from the land of the asses.

What?! Does Mischa Barton even have a job anymore or does she just go around getting her picture taken in stupid outfits? Yeah, nice one Mischa -- my five year old niece has an outfit just like this. She wears it on Thanksgiving because her mom thinks she's too young to know the real story of what went down between the native people and Europeans. All you're missing is a construction paper headband covered in glitter with a plastic feather sticking out and a burgeoning sense of denial. A kid is never too young to learn about how the white man raped Pocohantus, stole her land and killed her people, is all I'm saying.

I don't know Brody Jenner from a hole in the ground but I guaran-fucking-tee you this will be my new favorite show ever. (Yeeeah!)

Speaking of "Bromace," a potential Smurfs movie makes me want to go back in time and kill the person who invented movies. (Agent Bedhead)

Bruce Jenner's other, less bromatic kids go to town on some ice cream cones. (Celebslam)

Ashlee Simpson has pregnancy titters and she doesn't care who knows. (The Blemish)

All Donald Trump needs to complete the look is a clear lucite bowling ball with a rose encased in it. (Seriously? OMG!)

Molly Sims shows us how to make fun cocktails. (IBBB)

Uhhh, how did George Clooney not fucking understand that Sarah Larson was totally the type of chick to get breast implants from the get-go? (PopOnThePop)

Cameron Diaz is rude to Abercrombie staff. In related news, Cameron Diaz has stupid taste in clothing. (Celebitchy)

Kate Hudson seems like kind of an idiot, but damn do I love her style. (Popoholic)

Heartbreaking (Adjective) causing intense anguish or sorrow.

Because I'm apparently secretly a sensitive pansy-boy who likes willowy music, I've been listening to the new Alanis Morissette album, Flavors of Entanglement, the last couple of days. I'm a big fan of the album, and one song in particular, "Torch," a heartbreaking ballad that is clearly about her break-up with Ryan Reynolds.

It's so sad, folks. So very achy. In fact, out of solidarity with Alanis, I'm temporarily giving up my man-crush on Ryan Reynolds. Ryan: You've betrayed us both for nice cleavage and a pout.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

The heart-wrenching lyrics to "Torch," after the cut. Meanwhile, here's Alanis making her way into the Ed Sullivan Theater last night to perform on "The Late Show with David Letterman."

Wiener: (Noun) A dorky, socially inept, or boringly studious person, or someone who used to star on "Saved by the Bell."

Sometimes they just make it too easy. So anyway, at a Oscar Meyer charity event yesterday, the newly single Mario Lopez told People what he's looking for in a girl. You know, in case any ladies out there were interested or whatever.

"I'm a pretty low-maintenance kind of guy. I'd like to be with someone who is secure with themselves. She has to understand that I have a lot going on and I'm busy."

"I'd like someone who has their own thing going on - their own 'passion,' whatever it is." A surefire way to win him over? "I like a girl that's funny."

So basically, he's looking for a funny bitch who's not clingy and has got her shit together. Hmm. By this account, it sounds like I could date Mario Lopez. Go on:

As for pet peeves: "If she's a big chain smoker, I'm not really a fan of that. Or a cusser - someone who isn't nice to people."

Oh. Well, whatever jerk -- like I really wanted to date you anyway. Maybe I have a little something known as "standards" myself, did you ever think about that, Mario? Huh? Like maybe I don't date guys named after Nintendo characters. And did it ever occur to you that maybe some girls don't like stupid dimples and ginormous muscles? Maybe I'll just give Screech a call. See? Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot, now does it,
Mr. I'm-Too-Stinkin'-Hot-to-Date-Mean-Girls-Who-Curse.

Huh? (Noun) German equivalent of the words: who, what, when, where, why and how. It is used in everyday life in situations where you don't have any idea of what is going on. 

These are photos from the upcoming July 2008 issue of Vanity Fair. Here are photos of Angelina Jolie a month ago.

Huh?

Actually, there's a fairly simple explanation for all of this. Two words: Flux Capacitor.

 

Glare (Noun) An angry stare.

I'll concede that I'm no marketing professional -- I don't know what makes consumers tick, nor what images prompt folks to go out and buy a product or use a service. But these photos -- from a photoshoot for Lindsay Lohan's UK VISA campaign -- don't say to me, "Dustin: You really ought to use your VISA a little more often, maybe build up some points and buy yourself a nice cappuccino maker." No, these ads say, "Why is that angry woman glaring at me? And why isn't she wearing a bra? If her VISA card really was as good as advertised, you wouldn't think she'd have any problem at all buying a brassiere. And maybe that's why she looks so angry -- maybe the bra shop only took American Express, and she's pissed because she had to show up to the photoshoot without proper attire."

No, you know what? I don't think I want to use my VISA card. Next time, out of solidarity, I'm using the Mastercard.

 

Dysfunctional: (Adjective) Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.

Poor Brooke Hogan. There's a lot going on right now, and you know she's not very smart so it's all probably very confusing for her. While she's mostly OK with Nick being in jail for ruining a young man's life, and her dad dating some lady who looks just like her -- she is finally putting her foot down over her mom dating one of her 19-year-old former classmates. From an interview with E!'s Michael Yo:

"I went to school with him. He was a grade under me...Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school). I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support."

"I am just staying the course and dealing with it and supporting my family. You know, I thought we were one of the normal Hollywood families. It's crazy watching it all fall apart, but I hope for the best."

Once upon a time there was a normal family of termites, and then I decided to rip up the old, rotting tree stump out of my front yard that they lived in. And boy were they confused! It was pretty much the first time they had ever seen the light of day or anyone paid attention to them. So they pretty much just swarmed in an aimless frenzy until one accidentally got drunk off of the gasoline fumes from the lawnmower and ran into a tree, and the rest latched onto the first familiar looking bleach blonde, leather-skinned hunks of meat they could find. Wait, who was I talking about again? Oh, right -- the termites. Yeah, I just sprayed them away with the hose and I think they all died.

Putting the "fun" in dysfunction:

You Win (Expression)  A term used to let someone else know that they have achieved superiority.

Damn you, Emmanuelle! You dress well. You're lovely. You never do anything stupid. You haven't embarrassed yourself (save for that role in You Don't Mess with the Zohan) and you're Canadian! What's not to love? How can we mock you? Give us something to work with here, Emmanuelle. Isn't there a coma somewhere you can drink yourself into? A scratching post you can start dating? A piece of toilet paper you can stick to the bottom of your heels? Something?

You hate gossip bloggers, don't you, Emmanuelle? All you care about is yourself and your blemish free skin and your well-maintained reputation. Go to hell!

Peekaboo is a game similar to hide and seek, but played with babies. In the game, one (child, teenager, or adult) hides their face, pops back into the baby's view, and says — to the baby's amusement — Peekaboo! I see you!

Isn't this adorable? Ashlee plays Peekaboo just like my 11-month-old son: By covering just the one eye. I'll tell Ashlee the same thing I tell my kid: That's cheating, buddy, and if you keep it up, you're going straight to hell, where Satan gouges out your eyes out if you cheat.

Yay: (Exclamation) Expressing triumph, approval, or encouragement.

It's not often I get to post pictures of the lovely and amazing Zooey Deschanel, so I have to make the most out of it when I can. I guess you could say she's my ultimate girl crush, although strangely, I've been told I look like her. So... Figure that one out. (It's not very hard.) Actually, I even have a pink dress a lot like this, which I wore to my ten year high school reunion. And you know, everyone else was wearing, like, sweaters and jeans and looking at me like I was crazy for wearing a pink satin cocktail dress. So what? At least I'm not boring.

More of Zooeylicious at the premiere of The Happening and also some guy from New Kids on the Block, I think:

Who do these knees belong to? (Seriously? OMG!)

Sarah Larson is telling everyone she dumped George Clooney. Sure. And I took out that restraining order on Sarah Chalke. (Celebitchy)

Check out the latest installment in Pajiba's 20 Best Seasons of the Last 20 Years. (Pajiba)

Lionel Ritchie gets assy with his daughter, Nicole, although I'm not sure "assy" is an appropriate term in the context of a father/daughter relationship. Unless you live in West Virginia. (Celebwarship)

What? Are those gang signs that Heather Locklear is flashing? (The Blemish)

Pam Anderson changes pace, wears only see-through top, instead of no top at all. (Celebslam)

Ruh roh. Is Madonna flying the marital coop? Maybe she needs a man as built as she is, in which case her options are limited to Lou Ferigno. (divorce-lawyer/">Yeeeah!)

Ms. Lohan reunites with her ... oh, they're just friends, people (no they're not) (Bricks and Stones)

Lohan leggins not your thing? How about Jessica Simpson lingerie, perfect for the woman who has to compensate for lack of intelligence. (Celebrity Smack)

Have You Called Jenny Yet? (Reprise) (Catchphrase) Totally fucking annoying slogan for the weight loss company Jenny Craig, which should deservedly be thrown back into certain Jenny Craig spokespeople at any opportune moment.

I know how you guys hate fat jokes, but seriously? After however many years of those irritatingly grating, obnoxious commercials, if Kirstie Alley is going to shove anything into her gob other than a stick of fucking celery -- she had better do it in her basement with the curtains drawn. Do you think I'd go any easier if I caught Pam Anderson eating a big old hunk of meat (the kind that's not a euphemism for cock) or Nancy Reagan smoking a fattie (also not a euphemism for cock)? No. No, I most certainly would not. It is our God-given right and freedom as Americans to rub peoples failures and self-righteousness in their stupid, fat faces -- and if we can't even do that much than the terrorists have definitely won. And that's about as close to "Republican" as anything you'll ever hear me say.

Born Again Christian (Noun) A person who renounces his or her current lifestyle and becomes a Christian, which commonly happens to former celebrities after their career and/or personal life takes a downward spiral. It' a frightening conversion because someone who was once cool and hip suddenly becomes a brain-washed worshiper of a mythical being and, thus, rarely listens to reason

After a recent DUI, some unwise career choices, and a tumultuous decade following the demise of her sitcom, "Boy Meets World," Topanga (real name unknown) has confessed on her blog that she's made mistakes but wants to be a role model for girls. She writes:

I understand that some “controversial" pictures of me have surfaced online recently and I just want to apologize to anyone who was offended by them. They were taken awhile ago, while I was out with my friends and we had a little too much to drink and we were goofing off and maybe we took it a little too far but these were private pictures that were stolen from me. I want you all to know that I always make sure I carry myself in a classy way because I want to be a role model for young girls. I have accepted Jesus in my life.

Hmmm ... from the looks of those "controversial pictures," it looks like "Jesus" is a drunk blond with soft cheeks, not that there's anything wrong with that. But, I think Topanga might want to consult a dictionary: She's not so much a reborn Christian as she is a reborn lesbian, which is a lot cooler and, unless she plans on going the Kirk Cameron route, a lot better for her career.

The controversial photos:

Six Feet Under: A euphemism for death, which comes from the practice of digging down six feet into the earth to bury coffins.

"Dirt" is dead. Courteney Cox's FX series about the editor of a weekly celebrity magazine has been canceled after two seasons; the second having been cut short by WGA strike.

Cox, however, seemed optimistic about the future. She and hubby David, with whom she produced Dirt, have their own shingle, and as such, "We’re developing all kinds of stuff right now," she said. "We'll producing more stuff together, for sure." (Source)

I think the real problem with "Dirt" was that the public is interested in celebrities, not the people who bring them the celebrities. That's why a show about gossip bloggers would never work, either. Sure, we may have the glamorous body issues and fabulous fashion sense of celebrities -- but instead of going to premieres and parties every night we just sit in front of the computer and drink until we pass out. Basically, just think of the footage of the guy who got stuck in the elevator for two days; add an iMac, mini-wine fridge and cuter shoes, and that's my life in a nutshell. Which is decidedly less glamorous.

Also? Can I just say how much I love it that these two are still together even though she's Courteney Cox and he's a giant man-child who looks like a "Yo Gabba Gabba" reject?

Memory Wank (Noun) The art of remembering an arousing occurrence you watched while masturbating, often handy if you have no porn or if you're in the shower.

With the return of the New Kids on the Block nigh, and the attendant thirtysomething women ripping their shirts off at their concerts to reveal their caesarean scars all but inevitable, we thought why not dig up some photos from the archives, and give some of you ladies (and gay men with terrible taste) something to take with you to the shower for a nice memory wank.

Here it is, folks -- 1989. Relive the magic (and yes, that is Halle Berry with the ugly one). Let me hear it: Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah!

Lesbolicious (Adjective) Refers to a woman who other women would really like to tap. 

AfterEllen.com, a website aimed at lesbian, bisexual, and bi-curious women, recently polled their readers and, after over 100,000 were surveyed, the results revealed that the most lesbolicious celebrity in Hollywood is Tina Fey.

"Mix it all together with some awesome black-rimmed glasses and bicurious shoes, and you've got a new lesbian icon," says the AfterEllen writeup. "Smart, sexy, funny and down-to-earth: That's what lesbians like!"

You know who else likes Tina Fey besides lesbians? Men. Oh sure, FHM and Maxim would have you believe that Jessica Biel or Megan Fox are the hottest women alive, but that's because FHM and Maxim readers are not actually men, but penises that swim in petri dishes and surf the net for porn. Real men -- or at least those not frightened by intelligence -- would  give up the ability to walk for a crack at that tasty, tasty Tina Fey ass.

 

Chemical Reaction: (Noun) A process that involves rearrangement of the molecular or ionic structure of a substance, as opposed to a change in physical.

Hey look everybody, Lily Allen has come to visit America! And she's made a new friend! Hmmm. To say this "won't end well" is probably the understatement of the century. Remember what happened in science class when you poured vinegar over baking soda? Well, if you swap out "vinegar" for "alcohol" and "baking soda" for "Lindsay Lohan" -- you've got a pretty good idea of what's going to happen here. And Lily Allen is pretty much alcohol in solid form. I heard you can drunk just from breathing her fumes.

My old chemistry teacher in high school told me this stuff would be important in life someday, but I never believed him until now. Thanks Mr. Lux! And sorry I heard you eventually got fired for hitting a kid!

Blind (Adjective) unable to see; lacking the sense of sight; sightless.

According to Jack Black, whose wife recently gave birth to his second son, he wants to lose weight to make himself pretty for big-screen nude scenes.

"When I saw my rear end in my nude scene in Margot at the Wedding, it actually had a double chin. I’ve joined a gym because the next time you see me naked I’ll be trim." (Source)

Fun Fact! Thanks to that scene in Margot at the Wedding, I've actually been blind for a little over six months now. The bad news, unfortunately, is that I can no longer see and I have to use voice-recognition software to compose my blog entries; the good news, however, is that I'll never have to see Jack Black naked again. Plus, my seeing-eye dog has been specifically trained to pop open cans of Pabst, the nectar of Gods. In the end, I think it's a pretty fair trade-off.

Here's some more images of Jack Black topless, which -- by the grace of God -- I can't see:



 

Self Awareness (Noun) The explicit understanding that one exists. Furthermore, it includes the concept that one exists as an individual, separate from other people, with private thoughts. It may also include the understanding that other people are similarly self-aware.

Chop N Pop: (Noun) Slang term for celebrity caesarean convenience birth.

Tori Spelling checked into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for her scheduled chop 'n pop yesterday afternoon accompanied by husband Dean McDermott. Later the couple's second child, Stella Doreen, was delivered.

As the two were ushered in by hospital personnel, they were taking care of some last-minute details—like whether they have enough memory on their digital camera. "Don't worry," McDermott reassured his wife. "That thing [the camera] holds like 150 [photos]." (Source)

Whoa, 150 whole pictures? Wait a minute, you two aren't the ones who bought my old Kodak EasyShare® off ebay the other week, are you? Ebay screenname DMGraduates93? What, and people are saying that you guys are poor? Please! That camera went for like, twenty-three whole dollars. Plus shipping and handling. Can poor people afford $8.95 shipping for a used digital camera? Yeah, suck on that, Spelling empire.

More of the Spermdermotts last month:

Winehouse, we can forgive you for the drugs, but come on: Racist slurs? No wonder you didn't want your hubby to film you. (Yeeeah!)

ryan reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. RYAN REYNOLDS. (Bricks and Stones)

robert downey. Robert Downey. ROBERT DOWNEY. (Celebrity Smack)

I have no idea whether Liv Tyler's dress is appalling or amazing. (Gabsmash)

Ms. Alba has done her part to contribute to world overpopulation. (The Blemish)

F/X has finally canceled "Dirt." Wait! "Dirt" was still on? (Seriously? OMG!)

Jodie Sweetin wants to complete her comeback from meth addiction by appearing on "Dancing with the Stars." Oh, don't we all, Jodie. (Celebitchy)

Nipple slips are even more fun when you have absolutely no idea who the celebrity in question is. (Celebslam)

The MPAA has basically pulled Kevin Smith's killer teaser promo for Zack and Miri Make a Porno. (Spout)

Your husband/boyfriend got you feeling a little stabby? Vent. (Offsprung)

Puff-tarded: (Adjective) Used to describe someone who goes through gratuitous changes of rap moniker.

The artist formerly known as the rapper who used to bang Jennifer Lopez is now calling himself Puff Daddy again, after having gone through P. Diddy, Diddy, Sean John, and Puffy -- even though everyone knows damn well his real name is Sean Combs.

"They call me Puff Daddy... he's back," the mogul raps on the remix of O'Neal McKnight's single "Check Your Coat." (McKnight is Combs' former stylist.) "Yeah you heard me right - I said Puff Daddy," he continues. "I'm about to back on that Puff Daddy sh*t."

Combs also posted on his MySpace page: "This is your boy Puff Daddy!!! Yes Puff Daddy." (Source)

Since I'm the type of person who is resistant to change and also likes to rub people's faces in their past mistakes -- I've never stopped calling him Puff Daddy. So this makes it easy for me, anyway. Unfortunately for him, just because someone calls themselves Puffy Daddy again doesn't mean it's automatically the period of time when someone named Puff Daddy was actually cool and relevant.

More of Poop Daddy (Ha! See what I did there?) at the MTV Movie Awards:

Moxie (Noun) Sass, courage, spunk, determination, attitude.

Truth? I loathe Lindsay Lohan with the fire of a face-melting skillet, and this outfit -- ass-huggin' jean shorts and gladiator sandals -- is absolutely ridiculous. But, damn: I admire the hell out of the moxie it takes to wear that ensemble out in public, knowing you're going to get your picture taken. That is one brave little starletard.

 

Super Gay: (Adjective) Something that is so gay, it transcends the reasonable limits of gayness becoming a parody of itself.

Brokeback is going Broadway! The New York City Opera has commissioned Charles Wuorinen to compose a Brokeback Mountain opera, which is scheduled to open in 2013. Now I loved Brokeback Mountain as much as anybody -- but is it just me or is a love story about two cowboys gay enough already without having to be turned into an opera? Taking all nuanced subtleties out of gay cowboy sex by having them sing and dance around is is like deep frying a twinkie or topping a Richard Simmons and Cojo sandwich with gayonnaise and rainbow sprinkles.

Octogenarian (Adjective) between 80 and 90 years old.

Woah, now, buddy. Before you go casting aspersions on these lovely ladies, you just wait until you're an octogenarian. Then come back and let's talk, kapisch? (That said, Bea Arther could've made a better choice than flip flops -- 90-year-old feet ought be kept under wraps).

 


 

Braless Titti Monster (Noun) From the Urban Dictionary: When one, usually a female with large breasts goes out in public not wearing the correct support needed to hold those babies in.This person could accidentally fall or might possibly attempt to run, jog, or sprint, scaring people because they are a braless titti monster.

Hippie Karma: (Phrase) The unsubstantiated law of the universe which says that if you dress like a stupid hippie, something embarrassing will happen.

You know what accessory goes perfect with butterfly wings and face paint? A big old piece of  odoriferous dog flop stuck to your stiletto! It's almost as if the universe said, "Well: it looks like a hippie, it walks like a hippie, but it sure don't smell like no hippie." What, did you think it was just a coincidence that all hippies smell like crap?

Motherf*cking Lies (Noun) The worst kind of lies, because you're not only lying to the world, you're lying to yourself, sister. 

Alanis Morissette, who has an album coming out this week, "Flowers of Entanglement" (in stores, tomorrow) and is currently working on a book of essays, photographs, and "mood-boosting exercises" (a.k.a., hippie bullshit), recently said that she uses writing as an outlet for her anger, which -- she emphasizes -- is not directed toward her ex-boyfriend, Ryan Reynolds, who is engaged to Scarlett Johansson.

"I'm really happy for him," she said.

Oh, honey. Oh, Alanis. We're friends, right? I mean, I own all your albums, which makes us, at least, business associates, right? So as a friend/business associate, a piece of advice: Stop with the motherfucking lies, girl. No one can blame you for that anger. Ryan Reynolds was a helluva catch. And he left you for a dim bulb with gargantuan mammaries and the ability to pout on command. You have every right to be angry. But when you claim to be happy for Ryan, you're just lying to yourself and everyone who cares about you.

Let it out, Alanis. Let out that anger. And be honest about where you're directing it: That son of a bitch with the delicious abs and the incredible sense of humor. The sooner you can admit that to yourself, the sooner we can get that amazing, vitriol-infused album we know that's in you.

And if it's any consolation, I'd choose you over Scarlett any day of the week.

Here's some Alanis, during better times:

 










 

Photographic Palate Cleanser (Noun) A photographic image used to cleanse your mind of unpleasantness. 

OK. I'll grant that Alicia Gorenson is the legitimate Becky and that she was better suited to the role than Sarah Chalke. But it's Monday morning, and there's a long week ahead of us. So, with due respect to Stacey and her apparent girl crush on the scary woman in the picture below, I must offer a nice photographic palate cleanser to get us back to even keel, so that we can proceed with the week's posts. She may have been a lousy Becky, but Sarah Chalke is very pleasant to look at, and, well, awesome.

NO WAY: (Exclamation) Phrase used to express surprised disbelief or incredulousness.

Holy crap. Do you guys know who this is? Do you even understand? This lady right here is Alicia "Lecy" Goranson, a.k.a "Becky #1" from "Roseanne." In the interest of full disclosure, even if it makes me look totally lame -- (which I'm sure I do well enough on a daily basis without having to admit I watch "Roseanne") -- I fucking luh-ove that show, and Alicia Goranson was the best. Don't get me wrong, Sarah Chalke is great on "Scrubs" and all, but she sucked major balls trying to fill Lecy's shoes. Anyway, she totally gets a lifetime free pass from me. So as much as it's my job to make fun of her for looking like one of Marilyn Manson's concubine, I'm just gonna lay off and hope that someday soon she decides to dye her hair back to a natural shade of blonde. And, y'know, get a job or something.

If Paris Hilton is really pregnant, either Benji Madden some some kind of X-Men strain of sperm or Jesus is coming back and God has a really good fucking sense of humor. (Yeeeah!)

Aaand, the Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller marriage deathwatch begins... Now! (popbytes)

Crybaby Nick Hogan gets just what he wanted, all dick and no box. (The Blemish)

Vin Diesel made a Vin Dies-let. What, you think this is easy coming up with these zingers? You try it! (CelebWarship)

Dina Lohan too much of an A-lister for the A-list Awards. (IBBB)

Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff no longer dating. In related news, Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff used to go out. What? I can't pay attention to everything. (Seriously? OMG!)

Justin Timberlake is finally going to have some semblance of masculinity around the house. (Celebslam)

It's The Mighty Hercules and the Putter of Destiny! (Ayyyy!)

Britney has finally found the perfect way to look sexy: next to a bunch of manly female impersonators. (Celebitchy)

In all fairness, we've found somebody to review Adam Sandler's new movie who represents the target audience. (Pajiba)

Anachronistic: (Adjective) Belonging or appropriate to a period other than that in which it exists, esp. a thing that is conspicuously old-fashioned.

Kate Beckinsale recently said in a Glamour interview that she doesn't need to cook for her husband because she and her ancient tomb of a vagina are sooooo good at the sex making.

"I'm the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can't be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I'd rather he didn't order in the sex." (Source)

Nice job there Kate, reinforcing those old saint and whore archetypes. If she'd take her head out of her ass (or, the Great Hole to China, as I assume she calls it) for long enough to realize what year it is, maybe she'd realize that not only is the modern woman adept at cooking and fucking, but some of us don't even consider the two of them mutually exclusive. I'd let you in on the secrets of regular women, Kate, but you seem to be doing so great on your own with your plain, boring, non-food related sex. So, good luck with that. Snerk.

Editor's note: Sorry for the excess of food/sex related posts today. I think I must just be really hungry. And probably horny.

Strike two, Glamour "Women of the Year":

Gambit (Fictional Character) Gambit (Remy LeBeau) is a Marvel Comics superhero that has been a member of the X-Men. A mutant, Gambit possesses the ability to manipulate kinetic energy. He is also skilled in card throwing, hand-to-hand combat, and the use of a Bō.

It's Friday and the gossip has run dry, so it's as good a time as any to remind everyone that "Friday Night Light's" Taylor Kitsch will be playing Gambit in the upcoming X-Men: Wolverine film. I just thought you might like to be reminded of that.

No reason, really. Nor is there any reason you' want to click on these thumbnails. Except that it's Friday. And maybe you don't have anything else better to do.

Deadpool (Fictional character) Comic-book character sometimes depicted as a mercenary, villain, or anti-hero; who appears in books published by Marvel Comics, usually in the X-Men family of titles. Nicknamed the "Merc with a Mouth", Deadpool is a high-tech mercenary known for his wisecracks, black humor, and satirical pop-culture references.

I mean, we've already started down this road, so there's really no point in turning back, right? While Taylor Kitsch has the honor of playing Gambit in the upcoming Wolverine flick, Ryan Reynolds will play Deadpool. Just thought you might want to know that. In case you were thinking about seeing it. In 2010. My reason for mentioning it has absolutely nothing to do with the man's abs, so just lay off.

They are nice abs, though. I'm just sayin'.

Rowr: (Exclamation) Literal translation of a sexy cat growl or purr, used to express arousal.

Now here's something infinitely more arousing than Kimora Lee Simmons having oral sex with a cupcake: Betty White and a hot dog! Yeah Betty! Let's see you go to town on that thing! ... Gasp! What am I saying? I am so sorry, Ms. White. I am so, so, so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I swear I would never intentionally disrespect you in any way or form. So yeah, I'll just be sitting in the corner shutting up now.

More of "America's Grandmother" at an event for the gorillas at the Los Angeles Zoo:

Unappetizing: (Adjective) Not inviting or attractive; unwholesome.

Hmm... Well now that I see it like this, there really is nothing especially sexy or erotic about fellating a cupcake. I guess that's why "cupcake porn" never really took off. Don't get me wrong, in theory it was a good idea -- but after all that "2 Girls 1 Cup" business, no one was really interested in seeing all that chocolate frosting anyway.

(Update: Speaking of "2 Girls 1 Cup" and chocolate frosting. Now that is a coincidence.)

Embarathy (Noun) A combination of embarrassment and empathy. Feeling embarrassed one someone else's behalf.

Join Forces: (Phrase) One or more parties combining efforts towards a common goal.

Oh, goody.

If you think about it, it'd make sense that the two biggest douche bags in the entertainment industry would actually be rivals. There's the obvious competition of seeing who can court the most media attention with retarded antics and who can feign more smug incredulousness when they actually receive said attention. But seeing them in cahoots like this? It just ain't right. I can only imagine the grand scale douchbaggery they've got up their sleeves. That would be the metaphorical sleeves, by the way -- not the My Little Ponies and butterflies they've got indelibly inked up and down their arms.

The most reviled reality star since Omarossa has somehow managed to  remain in the "Top Chef' competition despite the immense levels of suck that envelope her. (Bricks and Stones)

Clearly unfamiliar with IKEA, Brad Pitt drops close to $1 million on some furniture. At least he won't have to assemble it. (Celebslam)

Lily Allen apologizes for her drunken behavior earlier this week. Hey, Lily. Don't apologize to us, apologize to your liver. (Yeeeah!)

Why, prey tell, would anyone want to stalk Jamie Lynn Spears? (The Blemish)

The exciting life and times of Nick Hogan, now with pictures! (IDLYITW)

Holy Moly waxes nostalgic, tracks the worst ten celebrity break-ups. (Holy Moly)

Awwww. It's not nice to make fun of mothers who'd rather get drunk and party than take care of their goddamn kid. (Celebitchy)

There she goes again -- Kate Walsh is showing her ass. (Seriously? OMG!)

Swingers, baby! Welcome to "Swingtown." (Pajiba)