Depression (Noun) A feeling which makes you think there is no hope, no way to survive, and no point in carrying on this charade you call a fucking life, often entails copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.

Kirsten Dunst, who checked out of rehab last year, is now coming out and hitting back at reports that she was in rehab for substance abuse.

"I didn't go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression ... depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about."

Uh huh. Is "depression" a new drink I haven't heard about? One of those cute blue numbers with an umbrella, a little straw, and about 120 proof? Cause I don't recall seeing a lot of pictures of Dunst crying into her beer -- she couldn't keep the fucking glass full long enough to cry into it. Maybe that's what I'll start calling it when, after a night of heavy drinking, I wake up in the morning with a head that pounds like Ron Jeremy's headboard, a mouth dryer than Sharon Stone's hoo-hah, and no will to live: Depression! You think I can get the day off of work for that?

And I know something even better than rehab to cure it -- it's called two aspirin and a Schlitz. And it's a lot cheaper than 30 days at the Cirque Lodge.