Lookit: I know this is tacky as hell, and I know that Dick Clark -- American Institution, Boy Wonder, Ageless Wonder -- recently suffered a stroke, but did anyone see him ring in the New Year? Frankly, it was borderline terrifying, and -- if anything -- Dick Clark's presence only served to remind us all that the new year brings us all another year closer to our demise. In fact, given the fact that Mr. Clark is seen now only once a year, briefly, sitting behind a desk, I'm not so sure that the capitalist corporate money-grubbers behind the scenes have not turned Dick Clark into Bernie Lomax, wheeling around that man's corpse and manipulating his movements with strings and CGI. Dude looks a little vampiric, and I feared that one of his decomposing appendages was going to break off and ruin the Times Square celebration.

Still and all, Dick Clark's dead body was more charismatic than his co-host, Ryan Seacrest, who I secretly hoped would be standing underneath the ball when it dropped.