Julia Roberts, joining Jessica Alba as the latest nevernude to come out of the closet, recently revealed that she would never do a nude scene in a film because, she says, taking off one's clothes is not staying true to her craft. "I wouldn't do nudity in a film. To act with my clothes on is a performance. To act with my clothes off is a documentary."

Oh, you bitch. You done pissed off the wrong dominatrix. You don't know what acting is, lady, until you gotta strip off three layers of leather and feign enthusiasm while riding some old dude's shriveled-up pole while plucking his chest hairs one by one. Last night, I had to ride side-saddle while biting off a man's toenails -- and I had to act like I was experiencing the white waves of a lifetime. That, Julia, was a tour de force performance, one that I managed with my clothes off, thank you very much, you uppity skank. You wanna talk about "craft"? Try eating a Kraft Single from between a fat man's butt cheeks, and then we can compare notes. Hussy.