Fearing a nationwide epidemic of young girls stumbling around with babies literally spilling out of their vaginas, Nickelodeon is considering airing a special about sex in the wake of flagship actress Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy.

Personally, I think Nickelodeon is the last place kids need to be hearing about sex from. There's a reason why there was never an episode of "You Can't Do That On Television" where Barth knocked up Christine behind the cafeteria and she had to put the baby up for adoption. When I was a kid I learned about sex the old fashioned way -- from my parents leaving their porn all over the house. And I turned out just fine! Sure, sometimes I secretly cut myself and drink alone, but at least I didn't get pregnant when I was sixteen.